Page 117 of Fragments

“Lex,” I start, pulling in a breath and letting it out slowly, “I’msorry.”Whoa… It feels crazy when I actually mean it.“The truth is, Ihaven’tbeen taking our friendship seriously. I thought I was, but really, I was just saying the words because I didn’t want to lose you completely. For the first time, I thought about what it would be like if it was the other way around… Like, ifyouwere flirting or hooking up with people in front of me. And, Lex, I would absolutely lose my shit. I mean, I would probably,definitelykill, like, a bunch of people.”

He huffs, shaking his head at my craziness. He’s not even fazed by it anymore, which is endearing.For me, anyway.

“Maybe that means you don’t have the same kinds of feelings that I have for you…” I gulp over these potential truths. “But whatever. The point is that Iamsorry, and I want you to know I’m always thinking of you. You’re… so much more important than you realize.”

Lex is quiet for a moment, just staring at me, eyes all wide and sparkly pale green. It’s the best color ever invented, even when it’s reflecting my vulnerability back at me.

“So…” I clear my throat. “You have the floor. If there’s anything you’d like to, um, contribute to this, uh… dialogue.”

Fuck. How do people do this honest communication shit?? It’s exhausting.

He blinks, then peeks at Kang, who’s just sitting there with his hands folded on the table like a mediator.

“I guess I appreciate your apology,” Lex murmurs. “If it’s true…”

“It is.”

“I like that you’re finally acknowledging how batshit psycho you’d be if I did even afractionof the stuff you do.” He tilts his head, giving me a pointed look.

“I was never very good at math, baby,” I whisper, reaching for his hands.

He rolls his eyes, yanking them away. “Stop. I’m always the one who has to sit back and watch you doing fucked up shit. I just wish you knew how that felt, for once.”

I swallow hard, my muscles tensing. “Do you… really?”

He bites his lip. “I’m not saying it would fix anything between us, but… yea. I mean, karma’s a bitch, right?” He smirks.

I don’t like where this is going, but I just barged in here, hoping to prove myself to him in some way. I have to at least hear him out.

“Look at you and Kang, for example.” He gestures to Kang, who straightens. “You guys have sex, in the showers, right in front of me…”

“I’m pretending it’syou,” I whine, but Lex lifts a hand to shut me up.

“That’s irrelevant,” he snaps. “It’snotme, okay. Everyone knows it isn’t. I mean, shit, what ifIhooked up with Kang in front ofyou? You think me just saying,‘But, baby, I’m thinking of you the whole time,’ would really make you feel any less murdery about it??”

I know we’re fighting right now, but I can’t help the smile that snatches my mouth when he imitates my voice.So fucking cute.

Shifting in my seat, I channel every ounce of chill I have, fending off the jealous rage from even discussing this, to keep myself stiff and composed.

My jaw might snap from grinding so tight, though.

“Fine,” I croak, softly.I can’t believe what I’m about to say…“You can… hook up with Byron.” I gulp over the words like a gag. “In front of me. And I won’t… interfere.”

God, even just speaking the words is making me want to drink bleach.

Both of their faces immediately shift in bewilderment.

“Um, wait…” Lex stammers. “I don’t think that’s really what I—”

“Come again?” Byron coughs. “We’re doingwhat, now??”

I breathe out slowly. “You two fool around, and I’ll just sit there and take it. So I’ll finally know how it feels…”

“Ren, that’s kinda crazy.” Lex sighs an awkward chuckle. “I mean, it might literally be thecraziestthing you’ve ever said.”

I shake my head. “No, it’s not.”Yes, it is.“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m highly self-involved. Maybe this will bring me down a touch. And then I can relate to you better, and maybe—”

“This just sounds like another one of your games,” he cuts me off, squinting accusingly.