Page 16 of Fragments

Dressed in an only mildly ostentatious workout ensemble, I head outside, jogging toward the park. I run around for a bit before stopping by the court. There are some guys playing, and while I’m not really feeling that social, they notice me watching and call me in. One of them is openly checking me out, which is probably the only reason he invited me to join.

The fact that I end up unexpectedly schooling them seems to make homeboy even more interested. So we exchange numbers before I leave, and I’m barely out of the park when my phone vibrates with a text from my new basketball buddy.

He’s asking if I want to hang out later, and I’m tempted to sayhell yes, since he’s hot, and I could use some good dick to take my mind off thevacancysign flashing in my chest. But because I’mme—an epic tease and a huge pain in the ass—I simply reply with amaybe, followed by a winky face.

I’ll probably end up handling his balls at some point. The way he was not-so-subtly rubbing his dick on my ass while he was covering me was promising. And the desire to fill the silence in my head with grunts and aggressive slapping is a strong one.

I can’t bealone. Loneliness leads to quiet, quiet leads to questions, questions that need answers I’m not equipped to give… And lying to myself will only get me so far.

Avoiding going back to the dreadful place I call home, I end up jogging for a while, in the opposite direction. And when I can’t run anymore, I walk, letting the hustle and bustle of the city swallow me up. It’s odd, to feel completely alone when surrounded by so many people. Probably something only New Yorkers would understand.

Four million people, all in our own little worlds. Fully separate from one another.

The sun is setting, and my depression is taking a turn for the tragic when I find myself in Hell’s Kitchen. I spot two guys holding hands and laughing as they wander around the corner onto 51stStreet. Trailing behind, I watch them, an uncomfortable tightness squeezing my chest.

They look…happy. They’re cute together.

I wonder what that’s like…

I’ve never had a boyfriend. I can’t tell if it’s because I’ve never wanted one, or because I’m too much of a self-destructive mess to deserve one.Probably both.

The whole thing with Professor Kensington just confirmed what I already knew about myself… I pick the wrong guys, and I’m way too much of a headcase to do relationships. None of the men I’ve slept with have ever even alluded to wanting something more than a diesel fuck sesh, and because Ilovesex, I’ve always been fine with it.

What would I do with a boyfriend, anyway? How would that even work?

Those guys make it look effortless…

Without even realizing it, I’m following them up the block, gawking at their blatant affection for one another. The smiles on their faces, sweet little touches, and illuminated gazes for onlyeach other.

I wonder what it would feel like to have someone look at me like that. To hold someone’s hand…

Would it give me butterflies in my stomach? Would I feel anything more than just the lust of arousal?

Am I even capable of such things?

My thoughts are interrupted when the couple I’m stalking passes a man who’s walking up to the entrance of a small club. Kind of a hole in the wall, but just from the look and where we are, I’m assuming it’s a gay club.

Regardless, that’s not the part I’m focusing on. The man is familiar.Veryfamiliar.

My eyes widen, stomach immediately cinching into a tight knot.

Oh my God… Is it really him??

As he turns, my heart jumps, and now I’m completely certain it’s him, without a shred of doubt. Lingering on the sidewalk, I’m no longer focused on the cute couple.

All I can see is the man who took my virginity when I was fifteen.

But he disappears inside the club, and I’m filled with sudden desperation.

Ineedto see him…I need to…

Striding up to the door, I pull it open and slip inside.

It’s ridiculous that I’m doing this. I’m not dressed to be out in any sort of social situation, let alone come face to face withhimin some gay club. But it’s barely eight on a Wednesday.I’m sure the place will be empty.

Why is he even here?? This makes no sense.

The front entrance leads me into a small hallway, where a bouncer is sitting, checking IDs. I show him mine while he gives me a quick once-over. His eyes fall to something on his desk that looks like a screen. And he just sits in silence while I shift on my feet for a few awkward seconds before he hands my license back and nods.