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Chapter Thirty-One

Khaos

“ O liver, good to see you this week. How have you been?” Dr. Gillispie greets as I sit down in the chair across from him.

“Trying to stay positive, but honestly, it hasn’t been easy.” I answer.

“Why’s that?”

“My mother visited me over the weekend. She said something that I haven’t been able to let go of.” I pinch my lips to the side, thinking about that day.

“How’s Ash? Have you seen her?” I finally brought myself to ask.

My mother’s hand slides across the table, cupping mine. Her thumb rubs gentle circles over my scarred knuckles.

“She had been staying with her parents for a while, but... no. I haven’t seen her.” The way her eyes avoid mine hints that there’s something she’s not telling me. “I did talk to her mom; seems she moved back into her apartment and is finally working again.”

I nod, the thought of Ash just getting on with her life while I’m stuck in limbo twists me up inside. I’m so happy for her, thrilled even, but the future I regretfully painted inside my head starts to cloud, fading away faster each day.

“Look, hon, I don’t think it’s a good idea to focus too much on a girl that’s done nothing but cause drama in your life. I think it’s best that you let her go while you work on getting better.”

“Drama? You think she did all this on purpose? That because of her, I was forced into a cult?” I can feel my voice rising along with my pulse.

“No! Gosh, no. I didn’t mean it like that, but you have to see it from my perspective. Ashton has been at the center of everything bad in my life, Oliver. I can’t even look at the girl without thinking about the ten years I’ve gone without my son.”

“That’s on you, not her.” I growl.

“Oliver!” My mother’s shocked tone pierces my ears, I can see the storm brewing in her eyes.

“You really think that after all of this, when you’re back home, that she’s going to want you?

That she’s going to be able to look at your face and forget all the trauma she’s endured?

That she won’t feel the bruises she was left with or the heartache from losing you all those years ago? ”

“Just because you don’t know how to deal, doesn’t mean she won’t.”

Tears cascade down my mother’s worn cheeks, “Maybe you’re right, but maybe you’re not.

My biggest fear is all this progress you’ve made these last few months will all be flushed down the drain if you’re wrong.

Will you be able to survive it if she rejects you?

If she doesn’t want anything to do with you? ”

“Mom.” My throat clogs, a knot painfully stuck in my esophagus.

“I won’t lose you again, Oliver. I’m only trying to prepare you for the worst, protect your heart.”

I stare at her for a long minute before I finally sigh.

“I’m not feeling well. I think you should go.”

“Did you find any truths to her words?” He asks me.

“I didn’t want to, but after my mom left, I couldn’t help but wonder if she was right.” I admit.

Dr. Gillispie sighs, adjusting his spectacles.

“Oliver, what it sounds like to me is that your mom is trying to deal with her own trauma. She’s struggling to let you run towards someone other than her after missing her son for ten years.

Though her message was hurtful, it’s an obvious cry of pain for what she’s been through.

Perhaps we can all sit down together and untangle some of these emotions that have been built up. ”

“Yeah,” I bite my lower lip in thought. “Yeah, maybe.”

“Why don’t we discuss the homework I assigned last week. I asked you to think of three things you want out of this life.”