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Chapter Eleven

Ashton

K haos is a battlefield of warring emotions, kissing me one minute, mad at me the next.

I can’t keep up with him, but it did feel good to give him a taste of his own medicine.

It also felt good to have his mouth devouring me.

It was maddening and beautiful all at once.

I couldn’t take the impending pressure, but I never wanted it to end.

I saw stars in the daylight, so many of them, it was like I was in a whole different world.

I left my body and saw heaven the second his tongue came down on me.

Only to come crashing back to this subpar reality.

Quietly, I slip into the shared shower, just outside Khaos’ private room, and clean him off of me.

Part of me wishes I could have watched his head bob between my thighs, but the other part feels like if I didn’t see it, it wasn’t real.

I fight the drop in my stomach, willing the feeling of the dreaded dip on a roller coaster to go away.

Only it doesn’t. It courses through me ever so slowly, even making sure that the finale ends in that subtle rush of breath as if I had been holding it in the whole time .

The last thing I want is to let Khaos affect me in such a way, but my body taunts me, replaying every coarse lick of his tongue as if it were still happening.

I force myself to hurry, knowing if I linger any longer, I’ll be cursing his name and hating myself.

Finally, dressed and still embarrassingly flushed, I fix myself a bowl of fruit before plopping myself down in a camping chair outside and shoving at the coals in the fire pit. At least with my run and the rising temperatures, I have something to blame on the deepening red in my face.

The guys’ trickle outside one by one, joining me. Kokytos starts the fire again despite the sun’s heat while I start a pot of coffee. He’s adding logs to the pit when Khaos finally joins us. Without a word, he falls back into an empty chair, eyes dark like hardened amber.

“Who wants breakfast?” Than asks, getting up to grab supplies from the fridge inside.

“Hell yeah!” Hypnos jumps up, ready to help.

They throw a grate over the fire and Than places the cast iron skillet on top.

“I already ate.” Khaos grumbles, pouring himself a cup of coffee.

“What did you eat?” Than asks confused.

“Not what, who .” Khaos answers nonchalantly.

“No fucking way.” Hypnos laughs, not believing him.

His stare is accusatory, like I'm the reason he’s always in a mood. I look away, unable to handle the scrutiny and refuse to acknowledge his little comment.

The guys all look between their demon God and me, trying to debate if it’s true, leaving me to fight the blush creeping up my neck, threatening to give me away.

“Yeah, well, I’m still hungry.” I shrug, trying to be blasé .

Hypnos cups his mouth with his hands in surprise at my subtle omission.

“Baby girl, you need a real man to take you out to eat.” He winks and I can’t help but giggle.

“Fuck off.” Khaos shoves him, causing him to laugh even harder.

“Was it that bad?” Hypnos asks me, pushing for details.

“Spill.” Kokytos chimes in.

I watch as Khaos drags his palm down his face before taking a sip of his coffee. It’s an angry sip, and it makes me think back to all the times I've watched someone drink coffee and if I’ve ever seen anyone drink it angrily. Somehow, he’s the first and I'm not surprised.

“Nothing happened.” I try to deny.

“Oh really? Nothing happened?” He argues.

“Nope.”

“I beg to differ. See, I own up to the shit I do. It might not count in your book, Ash, but it’s the best chapter in mine.” He winks, trying to embarrass me in front of his friends.

“I’m confused.” Kokytos looks between the two of us. “Did you eat her out or what?”

“Jesus-”

“Yep.” Khaos confirms at the same time I groan.

“That’s not nothing.” Than nods.

All sets of eyes land on me and I can feel my chest start to itch at the attention.

“It was an accident; it didn’t mean anything.”

“That’s not how things work, Ashy baby. If you did it, it counts. You can’t go around punching people and saying it was nothing. So, you can’t go around getting eaten out and saying it was nothing. If it happened, it happened. There’s no shame in that.” Hypnos explains.

I can feel my teeth grinding against each other, anxiety creeping up my throat. If I say it doesn’t count, then it doesn’t. I refuse to admit I’m weak enough to let this brut of a man control my feelings, my body, and now my frame of mind.

Khaos is watching me with curious eyes, wondering how I’m going to respond to his bandmate’s logic. Luckily for me, I’m dealing with someone who is completely irrational, and I plan to speak his language.

“No, I’m not ashamed, but your friend should be. Poor guy was like a toddler licking an ice cream cone for the first time. Confused and inexperienced. He’s lucky I don’t count it.” I jab, condescendingly.

That gets him riled up, I can see the heartbeat in his neck pulse rapidly, rage building inside of him. He scoffs, ready for a fight.

“Funny,” He growls. “Is that what you thought when you gushed all over my mouth after fucking my face with your hands tied above your head?”

“Shit!” Kokytos snorts, his fist covering his mouth.

I pinch my lips, every nerve inside my body incinerating with a venom so poisonous it could kill.

“Fuck you.” I spit, spinning on my heels and walking away.

I can hear someone follow, but I am really not in the mood.

“Go away!” I shout without turning around.

“Hang on a sec.” Hypnos catches up with me and slings his arm over my shoulder.

“Not in the mood.” I warn him, continuing to storm through the woods and far away from the asshole I left behind.

“Ash, don’t be mad. You know he has a temper, and you poked the bear.”

“He’s an inconsiderate ass. He deserves to be more than poked.” I snap.

“Ass, yes. Definitely, but after what’s gone down, I’m not sure I can agree with inconsiderate.” He chuckles .

I roll my eyes, groaning. I’ll never hear the end of this. “It was a moment of weakness. I don’t want to talk about it or think about it. It shouldn’t have happened.”

“Why not? We all have needs. It’s really not a big deal.

” He removes his arm after realizing I wasn’t going to slow down and throws his blonde hair into a bun in the center of his head.

“I’d ask if you’re saving yourself for marriage, but you already told us you’ve had sex before, so I’m just not seeing the issue. ”

“I’m here for a job. I’m supposed to be a professional and professionals don’t sleep around with the band. It would make me a groupie and to be perfectly honest, Night’s Deadly Deeds isn’t my jam.” I rant.

“Ouch. I’m going to brush that one off because I think you’re just a little pissed off at my boy and because I’ve seen you mouthing the words to every song at our concerts.

” He rubs his chest as if I’ve hit him straight in the heart.

“Just because you take that stick out of your ass every once in a while and have fun doesn’t mean you’re not a professional. It’s just life, live it.”

“You don’t get it.” I shake my head.

“Then help me.” He pleads.

I throw my head back, taking in the different shades of green from the leaves above us. I watch as the birds' flit from one branch to another and take a couple deep breaths.

“Something happened... a long time ago. It’s just really made me rethink a lot of things.” I sigh.

“Something bad? Did someone hurt you?” He asks quietly.

I shake my head, “Not exactly. I lost someone and I don’t think I ever got over it. I know it’s been ten years, but it was traumatic, and it’s really made it hard to build relationships, at least romantic ones.”

“Jeez, ten years is a long time, Ash. I think maybe it’s time to shake it off.”

I freeze where I stand, glaring at the blonde headed idiot. When he realizes I’ve stopped walking he turns around to face me.

“You have no freaking idea what I’ve been through. Shake it off?” I laugh mirthlessly. “You have no clue what you are saying.”

“I didn’t mean to upset you. You know I never mean to upset you, Ash. You can talk to me, tell me what happened for you to get to this conclusion that you can never kiss another person or let them in without it meaning something.” He pleads, gently grabbing my elbow.

I stare up into his dark brown eyes, searching inside myself for words.

“I can’t.” I choke out, a sob caught in my throat.

Hypnos’ nose flares and without another second passing, he pulls me into him, holding me while I cry into his chest. He gives me time to let it all out, every emotion that I’m feeling, which happens to be a very large range.

It’s the first time I’ve cried about my past in years. It took a long time to feel numb, let alone okay and even then, I was never truly okay. I’m still working out a lot of issues, but I’ve found normalcy in my life again and it’s all I can ask for. I don’t want to screw it up.