Page 36

Chapter Nineteen

Ashton

I wake up earlier than everyone else and sneak out, passing by a restless Khaos, curled up on the giant couch. It’s fitting for all the times he’s made me sleep on one.

I take a cab to my apartment, hoping that Sam is in fact home, and walk right in.

The second I step through the door I feel like I never want to leave again.

It’s everything I’ve missed over the last two months.

It’s familiar and comforting. All my favorite things are here, including the one person I’ve missed the most.

“Sam?” I call out for her as I knock on her bedroom door.

I open it slightly to check if she’s in there. I see the lump under her blankets, so I sneak in.

“Hey, I know you’re mad at me right now, but I think we should talk.” I say in a soothing voice as I sit on the edge of her bed.

“Ash, you’re here.”

I jump at the sound of Hypnos’ voice. I didn’t realize he was here, under the covers. However, I do notice he’s not wearing his mask and I can’t help but wonder what Khaos would think.

Sam moans, stretching. “Hey.”

“I see you two are getting along just great.” I grumble.

Sam smiles, turning to face me. “Yeah, I don’t hide the guys I'm sleeping with.”

I sigh. “I’m so sorry about that. It’s just... complicated with us.”

“You can say that again,” Hypnos chuckles.

“That’s literally the whole point of having a best friend. It's to figure out the complicated shit together.” Sam says.

“She’s right.” Hypnos agrees.

I roll my eyes at him. “Speaking of best friends, does yours know you raw dogged it last night?”

“I didn’t! We used- oh...” He realizes I’m speaking about his mask. “Khaos doesn’t need to know the details.”

“I don’t think your best friend likes me.” Sam says to him.

“He doesn’t like anyone.” Hypnos and I say together, then break out laughing.

“It’s true. He doesn’t even like me, but he is stuck with me, and I think he’s learning to live with that.” I tell her.

“I mean he likes you enough to have you sleep with him every night.” Hypnos offers.

“Wait what?” Sam gasps.

“Okay calm down. It’s literally just sleeping. It was that or the small leather couch and that was getting old.” I explain.

“Or the table.” Hypnos adds.

Sam’s eyes widen with surprise. “OH MY GOD! Maybe Khaos doesn’t need deets, but I do. Spill everything!”

I glower at the blonde adonis. The last thing I need is another male in my life throwing me under the bus. It’s not that I want to hide these things from Sam, but how can I pretend they didn’t happen when I’m being forced to admit they did ?

“I think Ash is having a hard time accepting that she’s let Khaos do all these things to her.” Hypnos answers for me, reading my mind.

“Dude!” I shout, picking up a pillow and trying to suffocate him.

He laughs, “But in all seriousness, she’s told Khaos like eighty times none of it counts.”

Sam gives me a look of disappointment, “Why? Because you don’t want to move on?”

“I don’t know, maybe? I told myself that I would let love happen when it’s worth letting go of Oliver. Khaos and I, we hate each other. He’s not the right person and I don’t think he could ever be. I hate how weak I've been.” I confess.

“You’re not weak, Ash. You are stubborn though.

You need to let that shit go. It’s been ten years.

You can’t hang onto someone that’s been dead for ten years.

” Sam pulls me into her, holding me against her chest. “As for Khaos, well, don’t let him ruin you.

You deserve someone who will take care of you and your perfect heart. ”

“I would give you guys some space, but I am totally naked.” Hypnos laughs.

“I guess I’ll let you two do your thing.” I gesture my hands towards them in a messy, jumbled circle and get up to leave.

“Dinner?” Sam calls out to me.

I smile, “Of course! See you tonight.”

Before I leave, I swing by my room to grab a couple new outfits. It takes everything I have in me to tear myself out of this place and head back to the hotel.

I walk into our suite with an iced coffee in hand. The silence is almost deafening, clearly the rest of the guys are still asleep. As I slam the door shut behind me, Khaos appears in the doorway of his room – the one I kicked him out of last night.

He shakes his hair out, water flying in all directions like a dog after a bath. I want to laugh, but I remember I’m mad at him, so instead I feign my best scowl. It doesn’t stop him from stalking towards me, the fresh scent of spicy soap and clean linen wafting in the air.

“I would have brought you a coffee, but frankly, I don’t think you deserve one.” I stare down at him the best I can despite the fact that he towers over me.

“Wouldn’t drink it anyway.” He remarks.

I roll my eyes. “You’re lucky that Sam is incredibly forgiving.”

“No, I think you’re lucky. You’re the one lying to her.” He reminds me.

I want to hold onto this anger and frustration towards him, but it feels so misplaced. I hate that he’s not wrong, that he’s calling me out for being a horrible friend and a liar. The truth feels like an ice-cold bucket dowsing any rage I was feeling last night.

“I’m not lying.” Although, that is a lie in and of itself.

“I just... sometimes don’t know how to admit these things even to myself, okay?

So, it’s a lot harder for me to admit them to other people.

It’s a little weird to tell my best friend that I’ve hooked up with you when we can’t even stand each other. ” I explain.

“You can’t stand me?” He asks, one brow cocked teasingly.

I shrug, taking a long sip of my iced caramel macchiato.

“Look, I get that the way you lost your virginity-” I cringe when he says the word virginity, “-wasn’t ideal. It lacked flowers, love, and romance, but you obviously felt something enough to go through with it.” He reminds me.

“Yeah, I felt high.” I argue.

His palms slide down his face as he sighs with frustration. “And what about the other times, Ash? Jesus, can you just be real for one second here? I’m not begging you to marry me, I’m asking you to just acknowledge the fact that maybe, just maybe you’re attracted to me.”

I scoff, staring at him like he’s lost his mind. “Me attracted to you? Okay, says the guy who ogles me every second of the day! Yeah, I’ve noticed.”

He pushes forward once more, his body nearly swallowing mine.

“I’m not the one denying things.” I can feel the growl rumble in his chest.

My mouth opens ready to fire off another missile until I register his words. I don’t know when we stopped playing our game of tug of war, but somewhere along the way we gave up. The notion of winning no longer a necessity.

“Khaos?” Confusion clutters my brain as I try to wrap my mind around the idea of giving in to him.

I never needed to concede, to bow down and admit defeat because he’s always been the first to fold. I’m the one holding all the power now with Khaos kneeling before me. Do I show him mercy? Bring him to his feet and restore his battered ego? Do I let him reign again, and over me no less?

Slowly, he grabs my coffee and places it on the counter beside us. When he turns back around, his palms cup my face.

“Just admit that you want this.” He pleads, desperate to level the playing field.

So, I relent, nodding, words caught in my throat. No amount of pesticide could kill the swarm of butterflies flitting around deep in my belly and I’m dying to give in to whatever they want to quell the chaos.

“God dammit!” He slams the wall behind me with the palm of his hand, startling me. “I need you to say it. Tell me you want this because I know you fucking do.”

“Yes! Okay, I want this! I want you!” I shout, unleashing this confession I’ve held on to the last couple months .

"Fuck.” He groans, wrapping his hands around my thighs and lifting me up.

My back slams against the bedroom door, flinging it open as he rushes us to the bed.

He drops me to the mattress and grabs his shirt from behind, pulling it over his head.

I don’t miss the array of scars that litter his skin, wrapping around to his back.

I want to trace each one with my fingertips, but before I can he yanks my wrist until I’m standing in front of him.

“Tell me this one’s going to count.” He demands.

I swallow, fear and excitement clogging my throat. What he’s asking is for me to let my guard down, to drop my defenses and let him in willingly, without any pretense.

“This one counts.” I acknowledge on an unsteady breath.

I brace myself, anticipating an attack that doesn’t come.

Instead, I watch in awe as Khaos unties the bandana around his face and lets it fall.

The black cloth floats to the floor in slow motion, time coming to a complete pause.

Everything else fades away as something I’ve wanted for so long becomes the only thing I see.

His bare, unpainted face stares back at me with uncertainty and a vulnerability so potent it nearly brings me to my knees.

My eyes scan every inch of his face as if I’ll never see it again and that may very well be true.

I don’t know what has made him change his mind, but I'm not taking this for granted. I palm the side of his face, feeling the dark scruff against his sharp cheek. Everything about him is sharp, his attitude, his features, his words. God that nose, so straight and his lips, they’re like soft pillows that are begging to be kissed.

Even the small, iridescent scar that cuts into his upper lip is perfection.

“Tell me you hate me,” it seems to be the only emotion I can handle right now because the antonym belongs in a whole other realm where Khaos and I don’t exist together.

“I hate you.” He mutters.