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Chapter Twenty

Khaos

W hat a lie we tell ourselves. A lie that makes what we have easier to accept because love is the ultimate sacrifice, one we’re not ready to give.

My heart thuds so hard beneath my sternum it’s going to leave a bruise. I wait, suspended in time as Ash devours my face with curious eyes. I try to decipher her thoughts through every feature that crosses her face waiting, waiting, waiting… but -

Ash doesn’t recognize me.

She wouldn’t though. I’m an entirely different person, the boy she used to know is long dead, his memories buried underground for the last five years.

No part of Oliver lives in me now, except our obsession with Ashton Crawford; our first love, our first heartbreak, and our only light in the darkest days.

I told myself that Oliver died the second I escaped that hell hole. I left him there to rot with his sins, finally as dead as I had wished for years. I moved on, I pushed the past behind me, I pulled myself out of the agony that clung to me like the stench of cigarettes.

But then, there she was, standing over me in that barn as perfect and flawless as an angel. I thought for a moment that I was dreaming because the sight before me was something I had only seen in my subconscious until she spoke, and I knew she was real.

That reunion I conjured up in my mind over the years looked very different than the one in reality.

Feelings I didn’t know that existed exploded like an unforeseen bomb.

That heartbreak from ten years ago resurrecting like Jesus himself, then came the anger and betrayal.

Suddenly hate overshadowed any love that I once held onto.

She was a reminder of that boy turned beast. The one that committed unthinkable acts, that loathed himself so thoroughly, that was buried in the past.

Then bit by bit, Ash turned into starry nights, long talks about music and books, a warm embrace after a long day. She was still the girl I used to know, the girl I fell in love with, but just a little different now. A little more grown up.

That raw hatred I first felt slowly softened, my resolve breaking completely when she told me she loved me back all those years ago, that she wishes she could change everything.

Oliver would have done anything to hear those words, but he’s gone and I’m all that’s left.

There’s no point in ever bringing him back.

Now here I am fighting to get Ashton Crawford to fall in love with me all over again, only I don’t have years of friendship on my side anymore.

I have irrational thoughts, anger management, and an obsession I’ve let fester for years.

Not exactly the recipe for perfection, but something inside of her is drawn to me.

I can feel it in the way her eyes drink me in, how her fingers memorize every inch of my face, in the way she fights with me just to get my attention.

Sensing my ambivalence, Ash drops her hands from my face, “What’s wrong?”

What’s wrong is how desperately I want her to recognize me, to put the pieces together even if it means imploding my life as I know it.

I would give up everything, let Ash set my whole world on fire, incinerate everything in its wake if it means we could be together without any secrets.

But I’m a selfish man, I know if I tell her who I am – or was – then the chances of us together diminish greatly and I’m not going to risk that.

She’s just going to have to settle for who I am now.

So, instead I give her another ominous truth.

“What’s wrong is how long I’ve gone without tasting you.”