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The word “asshole” was all that came to mind when I saw my face.
Had I really lost her again?
I thought back to what she said in the hallway, trying desperately to retrace my footsteps and see where I had stumbled. She said she didn’t know if I was in this or not. Being without her for the past week made me realize I was. I was all in, and I decided to finally show her that.
I took my drink over to the couch and sat down, sinking into the plush sage green cushions. Getting my laptop from the concrete coffee table, I started Googling the best baby stores in Manhattan. I scrolled through website after website, reading reviews for cribs and safety ratings for car seats.
I was completely lost in all things baby. No wonder Heart had been so overwhelmed. She already had so much to learn about being pregnant, and so many adjustments to make to her life. And then you throw shopping for everything on top of all that. It was no wonder she was pissed at me.
After two hours of browsing, I purchased a crib from Bergdorf Goodman and a car seat from Nordstrom. I ordered some wooden toys from a little boutique on Warren Street. The one where all the celebrities go. I even ordered a few newborn onesies in neutral colors. I had everything gift wrapped and sent to her apartment in Brooklyn. I wanted our baby to have the best of the best, and I wanted Heart to know that I was trying.
I wondered when Heart would find out if we were having a boy or girl, or if she knew already. Then, I wondered if she would tell me. I never thought about what I would want because I was never with someone where starting a family was on the table. Hell, it wasn’t even on the menu.
Kiera and I had been together awhile, but she wasn’t exactly maternal. I saw her hold her baby niece once. It was so unnatural. She held the poor thing out like it was a dog who had just left a doodoo on her expensive fur rug. Come to think of it, when a baby would cry, she seemed to instinctively twitch. As if she were malfunctioning.
Somehow, I knew Heart would make a good mother. I sighed as I leaned back into the couch and thought about everything she was going through. I should have asked her more questions. I should have offered to go with her to her doctor appointments. Now that I thought about it, I should have done a lot of things, including picking up that ultrasound off my desk and looking at our baby together.
I knew buying things wasn’t going to fix everything, but I hoped it was enough to show her that I was really in this. I might not know how to be a father, but I was going to give it all I had. I wanted to. And I wanted to do it with Heart.
Chapter 31
Addison
Monica pushed her way inside my apartment, avoiding the large boxes wrapped in bows and the bags stuffed with tissue paper.
“Uh, did you have a baby shower without me?” she asked, scratching her head as she took in the mess that was my apartment.
“Of course not,” I replied as I plopped down on my couch.
It was the only thing that wasn’t covered in all the deliveries that had been showing up for the past few days. My apartment could hardly hold the minimal amount of furniture I owned, let alone all of these boxes and gifts.
I looked around and sighed. Monica stared at me with so many questions dancing around in her eyes.
“They’re from Daniel.” I shrugged.
She walked over to one of the huge white boxes that was tied with black ribbon. She ran her fingers over it and looked at the tag.
“Bergdorf Goodman?” Her eyes grew wide.
“Ridiculous, I know.”
“This baby is going to have nicer things than me.”
I let out a soft laugh. It was true. One quarter of this stuff was probably enough to pay my rent for the month.
Monica came and sat on the couch next to me.
“So, the handsome CEO sent you all this stuff for the baby you’re having together and you look like you’ve just tasted a lemon. What is up with you?” she asked, crossing her arms and leaning against the arm of the couch.
“He’s not the man of my dreams…”
“Uh-oh. What now? I can’t keep up with you two.”
“Well, you know I went to that charity event the other night. The charity auction one.”
“Yes. I went shopping with you for the dress. I bet you were a knockout.”
“Well, Daniel was there.”