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“I’ve never had a real sense of confidence. I never felt pretty enough or smart enough or successful enough. It could be because of the relationship with my parents. While my childhood was wonderful, when I moved out, it was a different story. I felt like I could never keep up with the plan they had plotted out for me. One I never wanted. When I chose a different path, they were more than willing to let me know it was the wrong one.”
I realized this was really the first time I had shared anything this personal with Daniel. My estranged relationship with my parents was something I didn’t open up about with anyone. Besides Monica. I wondered if we had been this open and honest and deep from the beginning, if things would have played out differently. But there was no sense in thinking about the would have, could have, should haves. We had this moment now.
“I feel like I’ve spent years trying to prove I was worthy enough in the choices I made in my life, and I never succeeded. Because of this, my self-esteem has been about this big,” I said as I held up two fingers and pinched them together, leaving a small sliver of space between them.
“I’ve seen the women you’ve been with. Beautiful, successful, thin. I let my intrusive thoughts and my own insecurities push you away because I didn’t feel worthy.”
I could tell he was restraining himself from saying something, but I continued.
“But I feel worthy now. I don’t know if it’s this pregnancy or meeting you or finding my true independence, but as hard as these past months have been, I’ve never felt stronger. I have my days…a lot of them, but at the end of the day I know I’m strong.”
It hadn’t really hit me until then just how strong I had grown. Yes, a lot of days I had been weepy and felt sorry for myself. But I had also done things I never thought I would.
I had stood up to my parents, once and for all, and gained my freedom from their judgments that had eaten away at me over the years. Not many people could do that, especially to family. The people who raised you.
I had stood up to my boss, who unfairly looked at a situation and judged me before even hearing what I had to say. I had worked for him for years and had been one of his top employees, yet I was rarely acknowledged for that. I deserved better and I made sure to tell him as much.
And then there was this pregnancy and all the ups and downs I had gone through. All the appointments. The scary hospital visits that no one would ever want to take. The building of furniture and preparation of my loft. I had Monica through most of it all, but I knew she couldn’t be with me forever. I knew in the end, I would be raising the baby by myself. And I had come to terms with that. I was determined to be a good mother, despite the circumstances.
But as strong as I was, it didn’t mean I had to push away this man in front of me.
“I know I can do this on my own…” I started.
I could see Daniel’s face drop.
“But I don’t want to,” I finished.
His eyes lit up as quickly as they had just faltered. A small smile began to form on his lips.
“You mean…”
I nodded eagerly.
He took three quick steps toward me and pulled me into his arms, his hands wrapping around me as my body melted into his. I had missed him so much. His steady breath. His strong hands. His smell, a mixture of sandalwood and something sweet I couldn’t put my finger on. I closed my eyes and breathed him in as the familiar electric current ran through me.
This was everything I had wanted, but would never admit to myself because of my stubborn pride. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with emotion. And something else. I let out a breathy moan and pulled out of his embrace, keeling over.
“Heart?”
I closed my eyes and waited for the pain to pass.
“Heart, what is it?” asked Daniel worriedly, putting his hand on my back.
After a few more seconds the pain passed and I stood upright, blinking a few times as I tried to regain my bearings.
“I’m okay. I just…” I stopped.
I felt pressure between my legs and a bursting sensation, followed by the sound of water spilling on the floor.
“Oh, my God,” said Daniel, looking at me wide-eyed.
I looked at him and down to the floor where a puddle lay between my legs.
“My water…my water broke,” I said in disbelief.
“We have to get you to the hospital,” he said.
I shook my head. “No, no. It’s too soon. I’m not even eight months yet. It’s too soon,” I cried, my eyes watering as I clutched my stomach.