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I sat up slowly and rolled out of bed.
“Now stop feeling sorry for yourself. You’re going eat the breakfast I made you. It’s on the kitchen counter. Then you’re going to get dressed and start your workday. Okay?” Her hands were on her hips and it looked like she meant business. Sympathetic Monica had left the building, and here stood bulldog Monica.
“You’re bossy,” I said, giving her a slight smile.
“Someone needed to snap you out of this,” she said, eyeing me up and down.
“Well, thank you,” I replied.
And I meant it.
I had been in such a funk the past few weeks, and it was taking a toll on not only me, but the people around me. Which was really only Monica and she deserved better.
I followed Monica to the kitchen and grabbed the plate of bacon and eggs that was still warm on the counter. I picked up a fork and took a big bite of eggs as Monica watched me triumphantly.
“Thanks for breakfast,” I said after I swallowed another bite.
“Auntie Monica wants to make sure her niece or nephew is well fed,” she said.
She reached over and gave my belly a little rub.
“Now, my meeting with my editor shouldn’t be too long. She’s just proofreading the last few chapters. Call me if you need anything.”
“I’ll be fine,” I assured her.
She eyed me warily. This was the first time she had left my side since we left the hospital. I knew she was worried about me, but I had no plans of leaving my apartment that day.
“Go!” I said, shooing her toward the door.
She grabbed her purse from the counter and walked out the door, closing it behind her. I breathed a little sigh of relief. I need a little alone time.
I finished my breakfast and put the empty plate in the sink. Since I was working from home, I knew there was no point in really getting dressed, but I decided to follow Monica’s orders and change. Being in pajamas would make me just want to crawl back in bed, anyway.
Slowly, I rummaged through my closet and found a pair of black bike shorts that were stretchy enough to fit. I opened my dresser drawer and pulled on an oversized T-shirt that wasn’t so oversized anymore. As it slid over my belly, I studied myself in the mirror for a moment and gave myself a discontented smile. This was as good as it was going to get.
In the bathroom, I brushed my teeth and splashed my face with some cold water. I was still a little sleepy from another restless night. I looked forward to when my body would once again be mine again, even though I doubted I would get much more sleep with a newborn. I wondered which sort of insomnia was worse.
I pulled my hair into a messy bun and then padded into the living room, which had really become a nursery. I had a little time before I needed to start working. No one was clocking my hours anyway. I just had to make sure I met my writing deadlines.
I walked over to the gold crib that shone in the morning sunlight and ran my fingers over the cool metal bars. It really was a beautiful crib. I imagined the baby sleeping peacefully in it, although that wouldn’t be for a while. The baby books all suggested a bassinet close to the bed for the first few months.
Daniel had made sure to get the best one and it already sat in the corner of my bedroom. Everything in this apartment that had to do with the baby reminded me of him. I wondered if I would ever stop seeing his face whenever I looked at the baby clothes or the rattles that sat in a wicker basket or the small teddy bear in the corner of the crib. They were all such joyful things, but they were all little reminders of pain.
Would I feel that way about the baby? I wondered if the baby would look like him, and if it would break my heart every time I saw their piercing blue eyes and dark hair. I wondered if it was a boy or a girl. Most days, I was content with not knowing. The surprise of it made it that much more special and exciting. But some days I was so curious to find out. I would know soon enough.
After spending a little more time looking through the baby’s things, I finally sat down at my desk and fired up my computer. I opened my web browser and today’s news stories popped up. I read up on the nonprofit work going on in Uganda and the newest start-up charity that was making waves on the West Coast. I scrolled to the business page and saw Daniel’s name in the top headlines. My breath caught as I hovered my mouse over the link.
Hesitantly, I clicked and was brought to the article about his newest product launch. It was probably the one that had him so stressed that day I dropped by unannounced with the ultrasounds. The day that really changed everything because it shook the confidence I had in him right out of me. Everything had gone downhill from there. The charity event. The things I heard him say. The tabloids I read about him and Kiera. The pictures I had seen.
I sighed as I closed out of the article. Then my curiosity got the best of me. I clicked the tab for the tabloids, which was something I had been avoiding ever since I saw the pictures of Daniel and Kiera in Bora Bora. I scrolled down a ways and was relieved when I didn’t see Daniel’s name.
Then I saw Kiera’s right next to a photo of her and that older man I had seen her with at Bemelman’s a few weeks ago. I quickly read the headline and skimmed the article. It seemed as if she was in a new relationship. My stomach turned as I looked from her to her new beau. He could be her father. Gross.
I felt a faint smile cross my lips as I closed out of my browser. Maybe Daniel had been telling the truth about him and Kiera. How nothing was going on. Still, those photos were pretty incriminating. And yet, they shouldn’t be. We weren’t together anymore. He was free to do whatever he wanted. I didn’t have a say in that. My feelings shouldn’t matter. I told him I never wanted to see him again.
They were words I often regretted. Because they were a lie. I would do anything to see him and fix things, but my stubborn pride and insecurities kept me pushing him away. It was too late now anyway, especially after the other day outside the doctor’s office. He had found out about the biggest lie I had ever told. How could he ever forgive me after that? Moreso, how could I forgive myself?
The time on my laptop read that it was close to 10 a.m. I really needed to get to work. I had a deadline of five this evening, and had several articles to research and write. I tried my best to push out the lingering thoughts of the baby and Daniel out of my head so I could focus.