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Now, he was showing up at my apartment. I wondered where he had gotten my address. I was also surprised he had made the drive out to Brooklyn.
I looked over at Monica who seemed like she was in her head.
“What aren’t you telling me?” I asked, eyeing her suspiciously.
“Nothing.”
Her voice was an octave higher. Liar.
I spotted something in her hand.
“What is that?” I asked, nodding to her hand that suddenly tightened its grip.
She looked up at the ceiling and sighed before opening her hand. She held it out to me and I saw a folded piece of paper. I picked it up and unfolded it carefully. It was a check for more than I would make in ten years at Leading to Learn. Daniel’s name was in the upper right-hand corner. I sucked in a sharp breath.
“Holy shit,” I whispered.
“Yeah,” said Monica softly.
“He just gave this to you?”
“Yeah, he wrote it right by the stairs and handed it over. He said he wanted to help and that you could do whatever you wanted with the money.”
I suddenly felt angry and sad. Two emotions that had been on rotation for weeks now. I was really hoping happiness would take a turn soon. The only glimpse of happiness I had was hearing my baby’s heartbeat, but then sadness took over. And fear.
I could feel hot tears forming at the backs of my eyes. I was angry at myself for avoiding him the past few weeks when maybe he was trying to turn things around. But if his way of making things better was writing a big fat check, then he wasn’t ready to be a father. I couldn’t fault him for that. I wasn’t ready to be a mother, but I was going to try my hardest for my baby.
I knew Daniel didn’t ask for this. I hadn’t either. I guessed I just expected more. I was stupid for expecting anything at all. I was stupid for going home with him in the first place. Did I really think we were going to just talk and get to know each other?
I wished so badly that I could turn back time and never have stepped foot into Bemelman’s. But then I wouldn’t have this baby growing inside me. I had never felt so torn in my life.
I sunk back down to the kitchen floor and leaned my head against the cabinets.
Monica slid down beside me. I looked at the check again.
“Thisis how he wants to help?” I asked, shaking it in front of Monica’s face.
“Maybe it’s the only way he knows how,” she said.
“Well, I don’t need it.”
“Heart—” started Monica.
“No!”
My voice was shaky as I held the check in front of me, ready to rip it into pieces. I was sure I didn’t need anything from Daniel Jacobs. I could do this on my own.
Before I could so much as put a small tear in the check, Monica snatched it out of my hands.
“Hey!” I yelled, reaching for it.
“Don’t do this,” said Monica firmly. “Whether you keep this baby or not, it would be stupid to throw this away. It’s chump change to him, but it could be life-changing for you. Or if you decide not to use it for yourself, you could put it into the nonprofit.”
I blinked back tears as I tried to swallow down my anger toward Monica. Toward Daniel. Toward this whole messy situation. As much as I wanted to tell my best friend off, I knew she was being practical and I was being emotional.
I put my head in my hands and the quiet sobs came. Monica put her arm around me and we sat in silence for several minutes. I knew I needed money. I knew the reality of living in a tiny loft in Brooklyn and living on one salary that I already scraped by on. Also, I knew that I had my best friend to lean on, but it wasn’t enough. At the end of the day, I would be raising this baby by myself. How was I going to support myself and a tiny human?
I lifted my head when the tears stopped coming and sniffled.