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As I walked back to my office, I realized there was really no hiding this bump any longer. My coworkers would know any day now, and I would just have to accept that. I just had to figure out a way to dodge their questions and keep it light.
That night, I went on my laptop and began my job search. I filled out several applications and sent résumés to various companies in Manhattan and Brooklyn. A few nonprofits. A few offices looking for secretarial work. A restaurant or two. I realized I couldn’t really be picky at this stage. I would go anywhere that would have me.
The next morning, I had a few callbacks. I was even able to set up an interview that afternoon on my lunch break. It was for a secretary position at a law firm just a few blocks from the Leading to Learn office. I wore my loosest pair of pants, and even then, I couldn’t zip them or button them up. To hide that, I wore a long white button-down. It wasn’t the best, but it would have to do.
It also did nothing to hide that I was pregnant. I figured it was best to be honest upfront. At least they would know what they were getting themselves into. Maybe they would take pity on me. It was an awful way to think about getting a job, but I was desperate.
The interview would have gone perfectly. I was qualified and had years of experience in the office. But I was also pregnant, and no pity was taken on me. The interviewee was polite, but made it clear they needed someone long term as her eyes grazed over my bump. I thanked her for her time and left, feeling defeated.
The next few interviews I was able to line up were more of the same. They were impressed by my qualifications, but worried about the growing body they saw before them. Interview after interview, I left knowing it was another one I had to cross off the list.
At the Leading to Learn office, my coworkers had definitely noticed. It wasn’t hard to when the pants I wore were held together with a safety pin. Shelley was the only one who asked me about it though. She was really my only friend in the office. She had asked me to lunch one day on our break and brought it up then.
“Hey, there’s a buzz going around the office, but I wanted to hear it from you before assuming anything,” she said.
“Oh?” I asked innocently.
“I’ll just come out and ask. Are you expecting?”
I nodded, and couldn’t help but smile. I was happy to share the news with her. She had always been so kind.
Her eyes lit up and she rounded the table to give me a hug.
“Oh, my gosh. This is so exciting!” she beamed. “I thought there was something different about you. Must be that pregnancy glow.”
“Ha ha. You’re being much too nice. I felt like I’ve been a hot mess.”
“Not at all,” she came back, returning to her seat.
“Well, thank you.”
“So, who is the special guy?” she asked.
“Oh, you don’t know him,” I waved her off and hoped it would stop there.
Thankfully, it did.
“Do you know what you’re having?” she asked.
“Not yet. I think I’m going to wait.”
“Eeeeh! I bet it’s a girl!” she squealed.
I laughed. It was the first time in a while I had felt genuinely excited to be pregnant. I didn’t have to be afraid of what anyone else thought. The people who cared about me would support me.
That night, as I was filling out more job applications, there was a knock at my door. I didn’t know why, but for a second I hoped it would be Daniel. The truth was, I really missed him. It felt so dishonest to go through this pregnancy without him, knowing he thought the baby was gone. I still felt terrible about it.
And besides that, even though we had our ups and downs, I missed being with him. I knew it was silly. We had both put each other through hell at times, but the rest of the times were perfect. I wondered if I had never let my insecurities get the best of me, if maybe we would have made it.
The knock sounded at the door again and I opened it to find Monica standing there with Thai takeout.
“Hungry?” she asked with a knowing grin.
“Always.” I held the door as she slipped inside.
We took our posts on the couch with our takeout cartons and I gave her an update on the job hunt. She listened intently as she slurped down Pad Thai. After I finished my uneventful and depressing update that still left me with no job, she looked at me intently.
“I was thinking…” she started.