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My heart was so heavy its beats were weighing me down, gravitating toward the concrete beneath my boots.
I sat down on the curb outside of Inkcafé and let my head fall into my hands. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. Walking away, telling him to fuck off, yelling at him some more… any of those options were probably better than what I was currently doing—allowing him to truly see how hurt I was. How much this non-existent, existent thing between us actually mattered to me.
He sat down beside me, his fingers cautiously sliding through mine, and I hated that it took me longer than it should’ve to pull my hand away.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he said.
I took a breath, and a few more. “I’m thinking that…”I’m thinking that I love you, but…“I’m honestly not sure you give a shit at all.”
He puffed out a breath, his brows drawn together. “Is that really what you think? That this doesn’t matter to me—thatyoudon’t matter to me?” He immediately pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around me tightly. I didn’t fight it this time even though he held me like he was sure I was going to. “It does—it does.I care about you. So much.”
I felt like I could cry. Pressed up against him like this, his arms caging me in, his words penetrating deeper than I wanted them to. My tears made their presence known, stinging at the back of my eyes, but I shoved them away yet again.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he said, squeezing me tighter. “I don’t want to lose you just because we want different things, but I don’t know how to fix it.”
I took in a breath, my face slipping into that space between Neil’s chest and shoulder. I’d slap myself for it later, but… he smelled like warmth—like coffee, and the outdoors, and sunshine. And I kind of wanted to stay there forever.
So I pushed myself out of his hold. “I don’t know either,” I finally replied, shaking my head. I settled my chin down onto my knees and tugged at the laces on my boots, trying and failing to brush away the way he made me feel. “We never actually discussed what we wanted, though,” I pointed out the obvious.
He ran his hand through his hair. “No, you’re right. I guess we didn’t.”
I puffed out a breath, watching it cloud in the air.
“I want to have that conversation, though. As soon as I can…” he added before trailing off, folding his hands together. “…I just have some things I need to figure out and work through first…
“I don’t want to screw this up again.”
I swallowed and nodded my head slowly. I knew what his words sounded like, but I was too scared to let what they meant penetrate too deep.
It was exactly what it sounded like, though, and it forced my heart to stall before speeding into a faster rhythm.
If he was willing to try again, if hewantedto try again, then I guess this really did mean something to him, too.
“I’ve really missed you,” he said, backing up his previous statement. “And I know this is asking too much, but I’m hoping that, at the very least, we can still be friends. For now. While I figure my own stuff out.”
“Your friend,” I immediately choked out the words.His friend.I laughed, short and unamused.
I loved him, and he wanted to be friends.
For now,I reminded myself. That, and of what he’d said before. I could deal with it, I guess. Maybe. No, I didn’t know.
“I don’t know, Neil. I’m not sure I can look at you and pretend like I don’t… like I don’t…” I shook my head, mentally shoving the rest of the words down, because I was terrified of actually saying them to him.
I blew out a breath. “I guess I’ll think about it.”
“Okay,” he quickly responded.
“Okay?” I turned to face him full-on.
He nodded. “Just… don’t give up on me yet. Yeah?”
I mentally rolled my eyes at myself, at the way everything softened inside me at the tone of his voice and the honesty and vulnerability in his words. At the way they were reflected in his eyes, too.
Only Neil could make me so weak.
Because I swear my heart also slowed back down and met the rhythm of his. My eyes drowned in the depth of his fluid gaze. And there was really only one answer I found myself wanting to give him.
“Yeah, okay,” I said. Because I was in love with him. What other choice did I have?