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I just watched him, licking my lips where his had been as I tried and failed to catch my own breaths.
“I’m gonna.” He pointed outside his door, pausing between words to make room for his breaths. “Go. Cool down. Get a glass of water. Orsomething,” he groaned, wiping a hand down his face. “Do you want one?” If I thought his eyes were liquid before, they were molten now.
Time slowed down as I watched them settle back into something more tangible, into something a little more guilt-ridden, and shy. And awakened, or excited, maybe, too. Nervous.Definitely turned on.
My lips curled up in amusement as it fully hit me that Neil was as flustered as all get out. It was really something to see—the flush on his cheeks, the crease between his brows, and the heat in his gaze. But it only made me want to pull him back on top of me all over again, which is why he really did need to get the hell up out of this room—if we wanted to keep that unspoken promise to each other that said we wouldn’t take things too far.
“Yeah, I’ll take some water. Thanks,” I said, all shaky and missing the air I still couldn’t seem to find.
He noticed and smothered his own amusement, before nodding once, standing up, and vanishing through his doorway.
I sat up with a sigh and pushed up to my feet, sitting down on the edge of his bed. Toeing off my shoes, I laid down on it and closed my eyes.
This thing with Neil…
It was…
I didn’t really know. But it scared me. Excited me. Had my heart feeling like it was going to pound right out of my chest to get to him. A lot of the same feelings I saw in his eyes before he walked out of this room, and I didn’t have the first clue what to do with any of it.
If I was being honest, I think I was just waiting for him to call this out for what it was—something that had gone further than either of us intended—and end it.
I didn’t like the way the thought of that made me feel. A leaded weight settled in my stomach, and I puffed out a breath, shaking my head to drive out the thought.
When I opened my eyes again, I came face to face with Neil’s Bible. I pulled myself up and leaned against his headboard, running my finger over it where it sat on his nightstand.
It felt personal, touching his Bible like this. But I still couldn’t help myself from doing it. It was worn and obviously run-through, the corners curled back, and the edges fanned out a bit. I picked it up and opened it, curious, glancing up at the door and listening for footsteps to make sure he wasn’t on his way back yet.
I looked back down at the book and started flipping through it, fanning the pages.
What did he find comforting about them?
What kind of questions did they answer for him?
Full honesty, I didn’t understand it (religion), like I didn’t understand a lot of things. There was this intense, blind faith in it I couldn’t connect to.
How someone could go their entire life believing with one-hundred percent certainty what could never be proved, was completely lost on me.
I had too many questions, too many doubts, and way too many alternate possibilities floating around in my brain. Magic, alien life, a twin world in a twin galaxy full of twin humans in this world, or that maybe, this life was just a giant science experiment created by some unknown being in a real, actual existence we had no clue about.
The big hand in the sky, promising salvation? It could be anything, in my mind.
But on the flip side, I also wasn’t ruling the possibility of “God” out. (I know,I know.Surprise.I didn’t believe in God, but I also didn’t believe itcouldn’tbe the answer, either.) I respected it as a possibility. But that was the thing. The possibilities were endless.
The universe, energy, reincarnation, God, science, aliens—I didn’t know what the answer was, but no one did. And until we knew, without a doubt, with a fact sheet to back it up, how we got here andwhy, it should all remain a possibility. Right?
That was my confused, convoluted logic on the matter, anyway.
And that’s when Neil decided to walk back into his room, his Bible still sitting in my lap, cradled by my hands.
“Hey, what are you—”
I slapped it closed, mortified. “Nothing!” I said, way too quickly. I had slapped the Bible shut so quick and so fast, the echo of it took a full trip around the room, ensuring no one could’ve missed it. Neil certainly hadn’t. I watched his lips curl into an amused but unsure smirk, and my cheeks were on fire.
True story, I didn’t think I’d ever been more embarrassed in my life. And I’d once had my pants pulled down in the middle of the playground in fifth grade, so that was saying a lot.Sure, it didn’t make sense; I hadn’t been doing anythingwrong, or anything worthy of embarrassment even. But tell that to my cheeks, and my heart, and that sinking feeling in my stomach.
“What’s going on in here?” The question was drawn out, conveying his confusion, or curiosity—I wasn’t sure which.
“Nothing, I just.” I swallowed. “Got curious, I guess.” I rolled my eyes at my own ridiculousness, setting his Bible back down onto his nightstand.