Page 44

I was staring at Neil from across our classroom—gawking, ogling, watching, drooling, whatever you wanted to call it. I was supposed to be dividing up flyers for an upcoming football game, but instead, I was stuck in my seat, motionless. Like a moron.
I was pretty sure I hadn’t even blinked in a solid sixty seconds, at least. But I couldn’t stop staring at him.
He was currently stacking chairs at the corner of the room with the only other guy in our ASB class, Bryce, and his arms were flexing and releasing with the weight of the chairs. It’s what my eyes were glued to at the moment, for the moment.
He was wearing another short-sleeved button-up, which honestly, at this point, I saw for exactly what it was: the Clark Kent façade to the secret interior of who Neil actually was.
In a short word:it was hot.Especially when I felt like I was probably one of only a few who actually knew this about him—that there was something beyond his appearance, demeanor, and beliefs that was night and day from all that.
Don’t get me wrong, he was still Neil. Wholesome and seemingly pure, but he was somethingmore, too. He wasn’t all khaki pants, kind smiles, and a Bible tucked into the front pocket of his backpack.
No. Not at all.
It should’ve been obvious to me that people were not always what they seemed, but I guess I was pretty good at judging a book by its cover.Clearly.I wasn’t proud of that. Especially when it came to Neil. Because he was turning out to be a lot more of the kinds of things I didn’t know I liked. Things I hadn’t realized I was attracted to.
Like his laughter—loud and unrestrained at times, but quiet and thoughtful in others. His words—spoken with intention and purpose because nothing that came out of his mouth felt wasted; it was always backed with some kind of reason.
And his humor. He was funny, and straightforward, andfun.And we happened to have a lot in common—as far as our interests went.
He was currently smiling at something Bryce had just said, and I saw it from clear across the room, and there was that, too. The way his eyes crinkled at the corners when his lips turned up, and the way he held his hand to his chest like he was physically holding the rest of his amusement in.
I’d never noticed these kinds of things in anyone else before. Probably because I hadn’t cared to. These were only things you noticed when you were looking at someone—reallylooking at someone.
And apparently, right now, and as of recently, I wasreallylooking at Neil, and I couldn’t stop myself from doing it. I kind of just wanted to walk across the classroom, take his hand, and drag him somewhere private to engage in some mildly inappropriate behavior. (Or appropriate behavior, depending on one’s outlook.)
I cleared my throat and forced my eyes away from him, down to the stack of flyers in front of me and got to work separating and clipping them together by classroom.
I guess there was something to be said about delayed gratification and taking things slow. And something even more to be said about thoroughly enjoying what you could get, because the rest wasn’t going to happen anyway. The fact that Neil was waiting for marriage was beside the point, because:
I was still a virgin, too.
(Full. Of. Surprises.That was me.)
Crazy, I know. But simply put, I hadn’t ever wanted to give it up. It didn’t seem worth all the drama that could come along with it. Unexpected teenage pregnancy, no thanks. Emotional attachment, even bigger no thanks. (And let’s not pretend that Linda viewing sex as a means to prosperity didn’t play into it as well. She’d warned me off of these deeper connection kinds of things for as long as I could remember.) How Neil was making me contemplate these things was even crazier in my book, because I think I totally would’ve been willing to sleep with him if he was down for it.
Thankfully, he wasn’t.
And I knew because I’d asked.
I wasn’t embarrassed about it, because it wasn’t like I was literally asking him to sleep with me or anything. I just wanted to know what his stance on the matter was, and he readily told me, so there it was.
I kind of wanted to slap myself for admitting this, but kissing Neil was enough for me anyway. (I’d totally called it, hadn’t I?)
His hand threading through mine sparked more feelings than any other place a hand had ever touched me, and kissing him constantly set fire to an inferno I didn’t know existed in me, so I was already fighting the urge to run as far away in the opposite direction as I could while simultaneously wanting to jump him.
Yeah, I was confused as hell.
I was slipping into that same territory that was way too unchartered and unfamiliar. I knew nothing about real relationships, not really, thanks to Linda and my own built-up fears, so I didn’t even know if what we were doing was the standard, par for the course as far as relationships went, or not. I usually bailed after the hooking-up part. And I sure as hell never had to work this hard to get to that point as I did with Neil.
I respected him for that. It made a safe place feel even safer, because if he wasn’t willing to go that deep, then things between us could only go so far.
No matter what my insides did when I was near him, and no matter what thoughts tried to crash into my awareness the more time I spent with him, Neil and I—whatever we were—it was safe.
This thing between us was safe.
(I didn’t actually believe that, though. No. Not really.)
“Hey, kiddo. Happy Birthday! I’m bummed I didn’t catch you, but since you didn’t answer, I’m assuming you’re at school, which makes me hella proud—Oh! That reminds me, you still have three schools to apply to,” my brother switched into parental figure mode with ease, “I expect you to have those apps turned in by winter break. You got it, kiddo?