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Neil was allYes, SirsandNo, Sirs,and it wasn’t the Neil I knew at all. I guess this is what he’d been talking about, when he said he didn’t want to let his parents down or disappoint them. Prayers at dinner, board straight in his chair, and laughing at jokes that weren’t funny. He wasn’t sharing any part of him that made himNeil. (The Neil I knew, anyway. The parts of him I liked the most.)
All while ignoring the awkward fact that his parents had barely acknowledged my presence.
Neil’s mom: “So, let’s see now, how long has it been?”
Neil:“Ten years.” He smiled. I smiled. She just let out a little “Hmm,” and that was it as far as I was concerned, I guess.
It wasn’t like his parents were being overly rude to me or anything. It was just obvious I wasn’t welcome—a black stain on their white table linen despite their kind smiles.
They talked about school, and church, and it was more Neil who included me in these conversations than anything.
And then at some point, his dad turned his attention to me. “Have you got any plans for college?” he asked.
I internally cringed before brushing it off.Might as well test the waters with people who didn’t care about my future.But more than that, I was testing the waters for Neil.“I’m undecided. Not sure college is for me,” I answered.
His mom swiftly dove in with, “Oh, you should reconsider. Our Neil has already applied to all of our favorite colleges, and I just know he’ll be accepted into our top choices. We can’t wait to…” She went on and on, laying out his future plans all while he stayed silent.
I knew without having to look at him that these were their plans and not his, and I suddenly felt bad for him and a whole lot better about my own situation. My mother may have stretched the definition of that very word to its fullest extent, but I never felt like I couldn’t be myself around her. Like I couldn’t say my piece or tell her how I was feeling. I just chosenot to most of the time.
“I have been thinking about the fire academy, though,” Neil said, shocking everyone at the table, but no one more than me.
I turned and looked at him, my mouth hanging half open before it curled into a smile.Go, Neil!
But his parents shut it down so fast I felt his head spin.
“That’s ridiculous,” his father said.
“Absurd. A noble profession, but you can do so much better than that,” his mom said with a scoff.
What?
“I disagree,” I cut in; I couldn’t help myself. I looked at Neil. “I think you should do whatever makes you happy.”
His mom huffed, or maybe it was another scoff. I wasn’t sure. “Of course he should, which is why we have a plan that we’re going to follow through on. Despite any sudden detours and distractions,” she finished under her breath.
It went against everything I was, every honest and outspoken thing I stood for, to sit here and keep my mouth shut. Words and curses wanted to pour from my lips. But I did it for Neil—sitting in this tense and uncomfortable scenario while saying nothing more. And that’s how I knew I really cared about him.
The thought sobered me, and the words fell away.
I cared about Neil.
I cared about him.
Like, actual feelings connected to who he was as a human, living in some dark place in my heart, cared about him.Shit.
I reached next to me and slid my hand over his, because honestly, it was the only thing I knew would shut up all my fears.
His mom eyed me, a perfectly masked façade of pleasant indifference on her face. “Bless your heart.” She turned to Neil. “A word, privately?”
Bless your heart.What she really meant wasfuck you.In whatever godly, appropriate variation of words that was meant to be. She might as well have held her middle finger up to my face.
I cleared my throat, pulling my hand out of Neil’s and twisting the napkin in my lap like I was trying to murder it. I wanted to close my eyes and teleport the hell out of here. Staying for dinner was clearly a stupid move on my part. But I couldn’t help it. I could never help myself where Neil was concerned, could I?
“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, shaking his head. “I’ll be right back.” He got up, trailing his mother out of the room.
I looked to his father. “Mr. Summers. Thank you for dinner, but I think I should probably head home now. It’s getting late.” It was a shit excuse, but he took it.
He nodded. “Have a good night.” He smiled tightly.