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But then, on the other hand, I also found myself thinking:Screw that.Because he had totally led me on, too. You didn’t look at someone the way he looked at me, or kiss me the way he kissed me, or stay up until three in the morning watching movies together and whispering sleepy goodnightsover the phone and essentially dating without the official label, and then take the out the way he did. So, he was a coward, too.
It’s why my anger kept battling with misery, why I kept swaying between blaming myself and blaming Neil. Hence themessy.
A sigh fell from his lips, like he knew the direction of my thoughts, his shoulders falling. “I’m sorry, too, Liv. I am. I’m not angry with you.” He shook his head. “I’m angry with myself—for a lot of things, but mostly for letting things go that far between us; I knew better. And for some of the things I said to you, too. I’m just trying to sort it all out.”
I blew out a defeated breath.
How had things gone so sideways? It didn’t make all that much sense anymore. How things could feel so right but turn out so wrong.
Neil cleared his throat, and my eyes were drawn back up to his. He caught my gaze, holding it hostage. I couldn’t look away; I was locked there, staring at eyes I could feel pulling away from me even though they looked as pained about it as I felt.
We could figure this out,I thought, and I really thought we could. If we both wanted it badly enough.
“I won’t ever push you like that again. I swear. I know it’s not what you want, and I can respect that.I can,” I begged him to believe me.
He looked at me with sympathy in his eyes, and it made my stomach turn. “The problem isn’t that I don’t want it, Liv. It’s that I do,” he said quietly. “I want things with you I know I shouldn’t, and it scares the hell out of me.”
“Then lets—”
“The temptation is too much. I need some space. A break.”
My words were cut off with a harsh breath, the wind knocking right out of me.
Space.
Right.
Like the last handful of days that had stretched out into an eternity hadn’t been torture enough.
He neededmorespace.
My bottom lip was a fucking traitor. It quivered, and I wanted to scream at it for doing so, for letting Neil in on how upset I was. Instead, I bit down on it until it hurt. “Okay,” I managed. “I understand.”
A break. From me. That was a first. Usually I was the one calling a break on someone—or ghosting them altogether.
Anger filtered back into my bloodstream, unbidden.
It was for the best, though. I knew that. IthoughtI knew that.
But my mind roared at me, and my heart raged with emotion. I hated emotions, and this was proving to be every reason why. I’d been so good at avoiding them until now. Until Neil.
I pressed the heel of my palms into my eyes, forcing back the unfamiliar sting.
When I looked back up at him, he took a deep breath. He opened his mouth to say something, but I walked the hell away. I was not going to cry.I didnot cry over boys. Ever.
I sure as hell wasn’t going to make a liar of myself now.
Spoiler alert: Jason called as soon as I walked through my front doors, and I burst into tears immediately. Before I even managed to sayhello.
“Hey, hey,” he said softly, all caring and big brother like and parental figure mode, making everything worse.
Crying was not a character trait of mine, yet here I was. Crying like a goddamn baby.Ugh.I was pissed at myself for it. Like, literally, I kind of wanted to beat my own ass for it, but I couldn’t stop.
“What’s going on?” he asked. “You’re scaring me.”
I couldn’t tell him. It didn’t matter. He wouldn’t get it.
“Is this about that Neil kid?” he guessed, and I bawled even harder, choking out another cry.What was wrong with me?!