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Let’s see… school is as boring as ever, so no news there. YAWN.
But speaking of school, since you nagged, and nagged, and NAGGED me about it, I finished applying to the last three colleges on our list. You’re welcome.
(Thank you.)
Oh! I’m officially a projectionist now! I don’t know how the hell I forgot to tell you that one first. I love it. Like, freaking love it. When you get home, I’m giving you a tour of the projection room. I think you’ll think it’s pretty awesome, too.
Hmm. What else…
Oh.
Neil.He kissed me.
Just kidding. Pretend you didn’t see that. But we have been hanging out a lot. I like him. Also a lot. Which is weird. Except that it doesn’t feel weird most of the time… which IS weird. Ugh.
I don’t even know what I’m saying.
But yeah. I think I’m digging myself a hole here when it comes to him, one I’m starting to feel like I won’t be able to crawl out of if I dig too much deeper, but still, I can’t stop myself from doing it.
I think Mom totally messed with my head when it comes to relationships, and I’m really starting to see it now…
Why the hell is it so much easier to divulge my sins to you in a letter?
Who knows. But since I obviously won’t be sending you this letter, I might as well tell you that…
I’m not sure I want to go to college. I mean, I might want to. But… I’m not sure. I just can’t see myself sitting in a classroom for another four years. Voluntarily. I hate school. But maybe it’ll be different when I’m there because I want to be, for something I want to be doing?
I don’t know.
Neil told me he doesn’t want to go to college at all, which was shocking—for more than a few reasons. But he also told me that his parents have “expectations” of him, and he doesn’t want to let them down, so he might go anyway.
I don’t like that for him. Not at all.
And OUR parents clearly don’t have any expectations of us, so why does the decision feel just as hard? To go, or not to go.
Did you always know you wanted to join the Marines? I assume not, because you never said anything about it, but what do I know? Well, only enough to know that you wouldn’t have left to be a soldier on a whim, so… there’s that.
Oh yeah, that reminds me… Mom gave me an all-expenses-paid trip to Europe for my birthday. I’m taking off for the summer, and I’m pretty freaking excited about it. And who knows, maybe I’ll find some clarity there. Or maybe not. But who cares? It’s Europe. EUROPE!
Anyway, Happy 21stBirthday, big brother. I hope it’s a good one.
Love you, Olivia
I folded up the letter, sealed it without allowing myself to think twice about it, and made my way downstairs two steps at a time, tossing it into Jason’s birthday-slash-care package.
I sat quietly next to Neil in ASB the next day, taking notes as our teacher droned on and on about plans for after Thanksgiving break. Winter formal, holiday choir performance, championship football game.Blah, blah, blah.
Neil chuckled beside me, and I peered up at him with a fake glare, followed by a genuine smile.
He just smirked, giving my notes an intentional glance—because, okay, I hadn’t actually been taking notes. Just drawing circles and lines and flowers with skulls for faces at the corner of the page.
I flipped my notebook closed, giving Neil my full attention instead. He pretended not to feel my eyes marking the side of his face, but I knew he could feel them because of the slight, amused twitch of his lips happening at the corner of his mouth.
I almost reached over to run my finger along it—like, actually trace the lines of his mouth with my finger in front of the entire class—causing me to clench my hand into a fist on my desk. Because that was against the rules, right? Obviously. For more reasons than one.
Though it was pretty clear that Neil and I were friends now (anyone could see that), I didn’t think anyone besides Sydney knew that wasn’t actually the full extent of it. Not anyone at school, anyway.
And now that that thought had settled in my brain, I had the startling urge to claim him. Like,claim him,claim him.Like a goddamn alpha-female, I suddenly wanted to piss in a circle around him and mark my territory for everyone to see:See? Mine.