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Quin’s gaze was on her mouth, then it moved up to her eyes. ‘More than I’d loved anyone else in my life. I hadn’t truly loved before, and it was only when you left that I realised how much you’d changed me. It compounded my feeling of betrayal. I felt so naked...exposed.’
Sadie tensed. Nothing had changed. She pulled back from his hands. ‘I can’t keep apologising, Quin—
But he stopped her words as he reached for her and covered her mouth with his. Surprise and shock made her go still.
He pulled back. ‘I don’t want you to apologise ever again. You have nothing to be sorry for. It’s only now that I’m a father that I can appreciate the selfless bravery it took for you to do what you did. And you shame me—because I’m not sure if I could have done it.’
Sadie was confused. ‘Quin...what?’
‘If anyone owes apologies, it’s me.’
‘But you didn’t do anything.’
Quin let out a short, harsh sound and stood up from the seat. He went back to the porch railing. Sadie got up too and went to stand beside him. He wouldn’t look at her.
‘I let you clean my house, Sadie...’
‘I offered to clean. I wanted to feel useful.’
He looked at her and she saw the shame in his eyes.
‘You offered to clean because I made you feel like an unwanted guest.’
‘You were shocked to see me.’
Quin let out another harsh sound, half a laugh and half something else. Anguish. ‘Why did you let me treat you like that?’
‘Because I was finally back with you and my son. And, frankly, cleaning a bathroom was nothing compared to what I’d endured for four years. I was willing to do anything to absolve the horrible guilt I felt.’
Quin took her by the hand again and led her over to the recliner, sitting down and pulling her onto his lap, wrapping his arms around her. Sadie knew something momentous was happening, but she was too afraid to call it what it was. It didn’t necessarily mean what she hoped it meant.
Nevertheless, she let herself melt into him, his strong, powerful body holding hers. She felt the ever-present hum of desire between them, but she also felt something infinitely deeper that transcended desire. After a long moment he spoke, and she could feel his chest rumbling under her cheek.
‘The whole time I told myself I was hating you, I still loved you. The whole time I told myself I should never have trusted you, I was really angry for trusting myself—for letting myself fall so hard for a woman who would cruelly re-enact the worst betrayal I’d ever experienced.’
Sadie opened her mouth—but, as if reading her mind, Quin put a finger to her lips.
‘I have to say this,’ he said. ‘That was just a tragic coincidence, but I clung to it for four years, because hating you and blaming you was easier than admitting how much I loved you and how hurt I was. It helped me survive, I’m ashamed to say.’
Sadie tipped her head back and looked up at him. ‘I’m sure I would have done the same.’
Quin looked down at her and shook his head. ‘No way. You weren’t cynical, like me. I’d forgotten how cynical I was—I thought that was your fault too. Believe me, anything I could have blamed you for I latched on to it like a drowning man to a buoy in the middle of the ocean.’
‘If it helped you survive, then I don’t mind.’
Quin’s fingers traced her jaw and his mouth quirked. ‘No, you wouldn’t. Because you’re a far better person than me, Sadie Ryan.’
Sadie’s heart hitched. She came up higher and rested her hand on Quin’s chest. The way he was holding her...the things he was saying...she was too afraid to let this go further if his endgame was still to send her away.
‘What are you saying? Do you still want me to leave?’
His jaw tightened, and then he said, ‘Have you not noticed that since the moment you appeared in front of me in New York I pretty much haven’t let you out of my sight? And that we were in bed again within days?’
‘Yes...but—’
‘And that when I do send you away I last for approximately three hours before my world implodes and I have to get you back? I went to the bus station and the bus had gone...’ He shook his head. ‘I’ll never forgive myself for making you do that.’
Sadie caught his hand and kissed it. ‘But I didn’t go. I’m here.’