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They’d parted company, but how could he not have realised what had happened when he’d returned to London only to find his thoughts consumed with her? He knew now that if she hadn’t contacted him he would eventually have been driven to seek her out. He might have used some feeble pretext or other, but he would have pursued her because he would have had to. Love would not have given him the option of remaining detached.
When she had showed up at his office out of the blue, he couldn’t have foreseen how circumstances were going to change for him. Yet, even as he’d waded through the shock of her announcement, he had failed to feel anything but a certain gut deep pleasure at the thought of fatherhood suddenly thrust at him.
Why on earth hadn’t he immediately insisted on marriage? He’d gone into a position of instant self-defence, holding himself back from the ultimate commitment, because he’d been there before and had arrogantly presumed to know that it might just be a case of making another mistake, of stepping into a raging fire, because of a pregnancy.
He’d let his past determine his present and he had paid a steep price—because here they were, and he knew that she was having second thoughts whether she said so or not. He’d seen her happy, had seen that look of joy on her face when she’d been surrounded by her friends and colleagues, and he knew that she was wondering what she was doing.
Would she actually say anything—express doubts? Probably not. She’d made up her mind and she would stick to doing what he had persuaded her was the right thing to do. She’d seen some stupid picture of him with a blonde, had been spooked and he’d used that as an opportunity to drive home to her what it would mean if she didn’t marry him. She’d paid attention and gone against the grain. She’d given up her hopes of finding true love in favour of following his line of argument.
That his argument was valid didn’t seem to matter to Mateo just at the moment. What mattered was that look of joy on her face—a look that would never be spared for him. He could give her the world, but it would never be enough because she didn’t love him and, more than that, she wasn’t impressed with his wealth.
He’d never been one for looking back over his shoulder at things that had come and gone. Lessons were learnt and time moved on. Now, though, he looked back and saw a life conditioned by his experience dealing with a father whose future had collapsed when his wife had died and who had needed propping up by a son too young for the task. He saw a life with his ex, a woman who had cared for money more than she had cared for him, and him being happy to go along with that because giving money had been a very different thing from giving his heart. He had given his heart to Alice and had fought tooth and nail to deny that because his drive to protect himself from hurt had been stronger than anything else. He couldn’t do it. It was impossible. He could never let himself be vulnerable: down that road lay pain.
‘Are you going to say anything?’
Mateo looked at her with a guarded expression. ‘I’m going to say that I feel I’ve forced your hand when it comes to marrying me and there’s still time for you to take a step back and really think about what you’re letting yourself in for.’ He shielded himself from the stab of pain that roared through his body like an arrow.
Alice felt the blood rush to her cheeks as she gazed in dismay at Mateo’s serious face.
He was letting her go. One minute he’d wanted her, the next minute he didn’t. It was as though their timelines were all wrong. No sooner was she on his page than he was turning his back on that and moving on, and she was struggling to keep up.
But she couldn’t pretend that he was wrong and that everything was just great. He would see through that in an instant, and she didn’t want him to turn her away for her own good because he’d suddenly had an attack of conscience. This was a time when she should tell him how she felt, about her doubts, which were only to be expected. She would reassure him that things would work out, remind him of the bigger picture. She felt sick when she thought of him having second thoughts.
‘I admit I’ve been feeling a little nervous recently,’ she said on a deep breath. ‘And I guess, when I was at the leaving party, it was all brought home to me.’
‘Explain.’
‘Everything...’ Alice sighed. ‘I was having fun, letting my hair down and when you showed up. I guess I saw what my old life looked like and what my new life was going to look like. But in all honesty it had hit me before that the world you live in is very different to mine. Remember I told you that, when you bought the cottage which would then become somewhere for both of us and the baby and not just me? Remember I told you that you might find it all a little cramped?’
‘I remember,’ Mateo said heavily.
‘Mateo, I’m going to have to dress differently, go to things I’ve never gone to and present the sort of persona that will fit in with your lifestyle.’
‘And of course, were we not to be married, that would not be a problem.’
‘I suppose it wouldn’t,’ Alice agreed thoughtfully.
‘No having to mix in my boring world,’ Mateo said softly. ‘No having to wear clothes you don’t want to wear or make conversation with people you don’t want to make conversation with. Would you prefer that?’
‘I...’
‘I know we’ve told everyone that we’ll be getting married and things are in motion but...’
Mateo shook his head and glanced off into the distance. He’d tried. She’d wanted a relationship that had love at the centre of it rather than a baby, and he’d told her flat out that if she was looking for love, then he wasn’t the guy who could give it to her—but, of course, she hadn’t been looking for love withhim.
His ego had been in the driving seat when he’d jumped to that conclusion. Seeing her letting her hair down, not wearing that wary look on her face that always seemed to be just there, just under the surface, ever since they had ironed out the whole marriage situation, had been the game changer.
If he loved someone, he shouldn’t harness them to his side because of whathewanted. If he loved someone, he’d allow them to go to find their own destiny, even if he personally thought that their destiny was to be glued to his side.
Giving Alice the house of her dreams and more money than she could shake a stick at was never going to cut it, even if on paper it all made perfect sense, and even if he’d managed to get her round to his point of view that there was no viable alternative.
‘I’m releasing you, Alice.’
‘Sorry?’
‘You don’t have to go through with a marriage you originally had no interest in.’
He stood up but he couldn’t meet her eyes. He didn’t want her to see what was in his. Instead, he remained standing there in silence for a few seconds.