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He was aggravating, oblivious, arrogant, and wanted his own way far too much. But he was also caring, honest, protective, and, maybe even more than all of those, he wanted to understand.
This man wasn’t broken. He was wounded. He’d put his emotions away in a box so they didn’t hurt him any more and had carried on with his life as if they weren’t there. But they were there, and now they were escaping the box and he didn’t know what to do.
Her eyes filled with tears; she couldn’t help it. Tears for him. For the little boy he’d once been, who’d been abandoned in a church. A church like the one they were sitting in right now. And for the man he’d become, armoured and closed off and yet, despite all of that, still caring. Still wanting a connection. Needing it. She could see the strength of that need in his eyes. Had felt it in his arms late at night too. He had love inside him, a whole ocean of it, but he couldn’t access it, that was his problem. He didn’t even know it was there.
‘You can’t let what your mother did define who you are,’ she said. ‘You’re more than just a genius, Bear. You’re kind and protective and caring. You have everything you need to be a wonderful father and I have no doubts at all that you will be.’ Her throat ached. She could barely swallow. ‘I don’t want to walk away from you. In fact, I’ve changed my mind. I think I do want to marry you after all.’
The expression on his face lit with something so bright she could barely look at it, and then it vanished, gone as if it had never been. ‘No. I can’t allow it. I can’t give you what you want, remember?’
‘But what if I don’t need it?’ She blinked fiercely, not wanting to cry. ‘What if me loving you is all I need?’
He stared at her. ‘You love me?’ he asked blankly.
There was no reason to deny it and she didn’t want to. ‘Yes. I think I loved you the moment I opened my eyes on that pavement in Melbourne and saw you leaning over me.’
‘Nell—’
‘It’s enough. It’s enough for both of us.’ She reached for him a third time. ‘Let’s try. I want to.’
He’d gone very still, making no move towards her hand, the expression in his eyes one she couldn’t interpret. Then abruptly, everything about him went dark, shadows in his eyes, across his face, his features hard as rock.
‘No,’ he said. ‘There is no point in trying if you can’t do it. And I can’t do it.’ He turned away from her, staring stonily ahead. ‘Leave, please.’
She blinked. ‘Bear, please—’
‘Leave,’he said, with so much quiet emphasis he might have roared it.
Shaking in every part of her, Nell slowly got to her feet, looking down at the man she loved. And a sudden lash of anger caught at her. ‘That’s it,’ she said. ‘Make me be the one to walk away. Turn me into the bad guy, turn me into your mother. It’s easier, isn’t it, to order someone to leave you than ask them to stay?’
‘You aren’t the bad guy,’ he said. ‘I was the one who told you to go. It’s better for you and for the babies. Better for all of us.’
‘But you’re not giving me a choice, Aristophanes. You’re deciding for me.’
He turned then and looked up at her, his eyes nothing but dull grey iron. ‘Now you know why I’m not the husband for you.’
‘It’s not better,’ she said, trying one last time. ‘It’s not better for me or our babies if you’re not there.’
‘Yes, it is,’ he said tonelessly.
She stood there for a moment, feeling as though her world were shattering slowly into pieces. ‘For all that you’re supposed to be a genius,’ she whispered, ‘you’re actually a very, very stupid man.’
Then she turned and left him sitting there, on a bench in a church, alone.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
ARISTOPHANESHADNEVERfound alcohol to be all that enlightening, but by the time he arrived back at his London residence that night, he’d decided that perhaps he needed to try it. Anything that might blunt the sharp edges of the pain in his chest, a pain that seemed to grow wider and deeper with every passing second.
He’d done the right thing, he was certain. It had been the hardest thing he’d ever done in his life to make her walk away from him, but he’d managed it. He’d taken himself out of the equation and now there was nothing in her way to prevent her from having the kind of life she deserved.
As to their children, well, he would have to deal with that at some point. They were probably better off without him. At least they’d have one parent who wasn’t irretrievably damaged by their past.
On arrival at his residence, he was informed that Nell wasn’t at home, which immediately alarmed him, at least until one of his staff informed him that she’d taken herself off to a hotel for the evening.
That made the pain inside him grow teeth, long and sharp, and he sent a couple of staff off to check she was okay and to make sure she had everything she needed.
Really, it should have been him going to the hotel, not her. Then again, that was another reason why he would make her a terrible husband.
After that had been accomplished, he went into his study, shut the door, and conducted a very thorough investigation of a bottle of whisky, along with an experiment in how many glasses it would take to make the pain inside him go away.