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Because it’s true. Because it’s easier to tell someone to leave than to ask them to stay.
That was what Nell had said to him before he’d made her leave. And yes, he’d made her. She’d wanted to stay with him. Shelovedhim.
Agony twisted inside him, and a suspicion began to grow. What if it wastrue? That the pain he felt now was actually love? And what if the fear that lay at the heart of him was love too? What if all the doubt and anger were also love?
‘How?’ he demanded suddenly into the tense silence. ‘How are any of those things worth it?’
The look on Cesare’s face softened slightly. ‘That’s just one side of the coin, Ari. There’s the other side too. Which is knowing there’s one person in the world who will be on your side no matter what, and who makes your life better just by existing. Who brings out the best in you. Who makes you happy. What’s worth more than that?’
Aristophanes went very still as realisation came, slowly but very, very surely.
She made his life better just by existing. She made him happy. That was why his life felt bleak and meaningless now—because she wouldn’t be in it. He’d sent her away.
You gave her nothing but excuses. You’re afraid that, because of your mother, you’re not enough for a woman like her and you never will be. And you’re in love with her and you have been ever since you saw her.
And now he was hurting her.
‘It’s not better for me or our babies if you’re not there.’
That was what she’d said to him the night before, and there had been tears in her eyes, pain too. She loved him, even though he’d told her he was broken, that he couldn’t give her what she wanted. She loved him anyway. She loved him in spite of that. She thought being with him was worth all the terrible things on the other side of that coin.
She’d chosen love.
His beautiful Nell. Braver by far than he was, braver than he’d ever be. And she was right. He was a stupid man.
Of course love was worth all the terrible things it also brought with it, the pain and the doubt and awful vulnerability. Because that was not all love was. There was the pleasure and intimacy he found in her arms. The happiness that filled him when he made her smile. The delight of listening to her talk to people and charm them and make everything less fraught. The joy of watching her with Maya and knowing that soon she would be that way with their own children and how he couldn’t wait to see it. The wordless comfort he felt when she reached for his hand and held it, knowing she was with him and that, together, they could face anything.
She made his life better in every conceivable way. How could that not be worth it?
Aristophanes clumsily put down his tumbler on the floor, feeling strangely light-headed as a powerful feeling swept through him, burning, intense, like liquid flame.
‘Did she call you?’ he asked. ‘Did she ask you to come here?’
‘She wanted me to check on you,’ Cesare said quietly. ‘She was worried about you.’
‘She loves me.’ His voice sounded strange, hoarse and half choked with the power of that intense emotion. ‘She told me she loved me and I told her to walk away.’
‘Sounds logical.’ The words were oddly gentle. ‘She’s an amazing woman.’
‘Yes,’ he said simply. ‘She is.’ He looked up from the fallen tumbler and met his friend’s gaze. ‘You’re right. I do love her.’
‘Of course you do,’ Cesare said and smiled. ‘So now you’re going to do what I did, which is try to be the husband she deserves and the father your children need. And if you fail, you try again and again and again.’
‘Because she’s important,’ Aristophanes said roughly, the fire burning inside him, a fire he knew wasn’t ever going to burn out. ‘Because I can’t live without her. Because she’s worth it. She’s worth everything.’
And she was, he knew that now. Which meant he couldn’t let his fear guide him. Nell was having his children and she’d faced that with courage and strength. Faced him and his ridiculous demands with the same. She’d matched him will for will, and he knew now—perhaps too late—that in the end, for all his IQ points, it was she who was smarter than he was. She who was more perceptive, more brave, more honest, more compassionate.
Cesare was right. She was better than he was in every way and he couldn’t live without her. He wouldn’t.
Aristophanes shoved himself to his feet and stood there, swaying a little yet determined. Cesare also got up, putting a steadying hand on his shoulder. Then he frowned and sniffed theatrically. ‘For God’s sake, man,’ he muttered. ‘At least have a shower first before you go to her.’
Nell sat in the featureless hotel room, on the edge of the bed, staring down at the schedule in her hand. The schedule Aristophanes had given her when they’d arrived in London. Today was supposed to be a ‘Nell’s choice’ day, yet the words made her eyes fill with tears.
There would be no choice today. Today was going to be filled with wondering what to do next and planning how she was going to cope. She didn’t know how long it would last, him absenting himself. Would he contact her again? Would she ever even see him again? And what would happen with the children? What would she say to them?
So many unanswered questions. He’d told her to leave and she had. She’d gone to a hotel because she couldn’t bear being at his Knightsbridge residence in case he came home. It hurt too much.
She had no idea what to do next.