Page 73
Story: Love & Other Atrocities
“Thank you for telling me,” I say softly. “I-I think, for now, it’s best if we just…stay away from each other, and you stay in that body. I also need you to release Ben from the deal the two of you made. It isn’t fair to him, especially since he only did it to protect me.”
“Theo, if she does that, she’ll have no choice but to go back once the exorcism is done,” Ben says quietly.
“I will do it,” Annie says, stepping forward and holding her hand out to Ben. “I will release him. Once it is done, I will go…home.”
“Annie, no…” Ben breathes, pulling her into him. She melts against his chest, her shadows and wings wrapping around his body until I can hardly see either of them.
“Ben, I cannot risk your safety, or Theo’s,” she murmurs. “As long as she is still inside me, she could hurt you.”
“I don’t care,” Ben says firmly. He looks back at me, keeping his arms around her. “I’m not backing out of our deal. I won’t let her go, Theo. I’m sorry. If she gets recalled now, they might punish her for the things she’s done.”
I shake my head and my voice breaks when I say, “Then…after it’s done, maybe you should go. I can’t risk bringing you around my family again, Annie. I’m sorry.”
“I understand,” she whispers, then vanishes in a puff of smoky, black shadows. I hear her moving around in the living room and raise my eyes to look at Ben. I’m about to lose them both and I can’t fucking stand it. He’s picking her over me. I almost hate him for it. Almost.
“Theo, please,” he says, voice thick with desperate pain as he turns to face me and moves closer, “don’t make me choose between you and her.”
I fold my arms over my chest. “You don’t need me. You two can have each other. I’m just…getting in your way.”
“That’s not true and you know it!”
“Why are you trying so hard to hold on to both of us?!”
“Because I love you!” Ben hisses, and I feel like I’ve been struck in the chest. “Goddamnit, I know how idiotic I sound! I barely knowyou, andshe’sliterally a demon, but it’s true! I love you, Theo! I’ve never felt this way about anyone. You can sit there with all your practicality and logic, and judge me to Hell and back, but I’m not backing down from this. I love you, and I love her too, so the thought of losing one of you…it’s killing me,osito. It’s fucking killing me.” He holds a clenched fist over his heart, and I think I see tears gathering in his eyes.
“You’re so fucking stupid,” I mutter, running my fingers over his hand.
“Oh, I’m well aware,” Ben says with a pained smile.
God, I want to kiss him. I want to tell him that I love him too, not because I’m sure that I do, but because itfeelsright. I’ve always ignored my feelings, pushed them down, tried to intellectualize them. I didn’t tell Ros I loved her until we’d hit a bunch of arbitrary milestones, because I thought it would save me from getting hurt. Ben is the opposite. Hefeels everything–allowshimself to feel it–and I envy him that.
We stand less than a foot apart and I battle my instinct to pull away, to distance myself, to tell him that he should sleep in the office when I really want him beside me all night. I feel like a different person when I’m with him, and with Annie. As long as I still have them, they deserve that version of me, even if it’s only for the next few weeks. For right now, that means facing the fear threatening to overwhelm me. Not necessarily the fear of Annoth’s violence, but my own fear of having my heart broken again.
“I don’t want to lose either of you,” I sigh, collapsing onto the bed and hanging my head, “but I can’t risk my family’s safety, Ben, and I can’t risk myself either. I have to stick around for Molly and the kids, if for no other reason.”
He takes my hands and threads our fingers together. “Do you trust me?”
I look up at him, at those beautiful, earnest eyes–at his dimples, still visible even though he’s frowning–and I can feel myself melting. I’ll do anything to keep him, and Annie too.
The words come out in a whisper when I say, “Yes, I do.”
Ben drops onto his knees and presses my hands to his chest. “Let me find a way,” he murmurs. “Let me try and keep us all together. Please. You don’t have to pretend everything’s ok. I’ll sleep out on the couch with her. I won’t hold your hand or kiss you or make love to you or anything, if you don’t want me to. But please, Theo, let me try and find a way.” I waver, caught between this well of fear and the strongest thing I’ve ever felt for anyone. But how am I supposed to deny him anything when he looks at me like that?
After only a minute, I relent. “Fine. You work on finding a way, and I’ll work on…keeping things as normal as I can.” He jumps up and grabs my chin, kissing me so fiercely that I fall backwards onto the bed with him on top of me.
“Sorry,” he says,lifting himself slightly, “I promised not to do that.”
“No, you can dothat,” I reply in a weak voice, grabbing the back of his neck and pulling him down again, then pushing my fingers through his curls. His body sinks into mine and his hands grip my shoulders.
“What else?” he breathes. “Tell me where the line is.”
I clear my throat and let go of his hair. “I-I don’t know yet. I’ll think about it.”
“What about Annie? Where’s the line with her?”
“For me and her, I’m not sure yet,” I tell him. “But whatever the two of you do doesn’t seem to affect me, so…just be careful, Ben. Please. You’re too trusting sometimes.”
Another grin to die for. “I know. Believe me, I know.” He kisses me again, then stands up. “I bet you’re hungry, huh? You were asleep almost all day.”
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