Page 54

I have no idea where we are now. Some backroad up in the hills. Ben rolls down his window, so I put mine down too. It feels cheesy to close my eyes and let the wind rufflemy hair, but I do it anyway. It’s been so long since I talked about Gabe to anyone except Molly, and I realize that it felt good–to remember him, to explain to someone else how much I admired him. I feel lighter now. Lighter than I have since the day he died. I want to hold onto this feeling.

Eventually, we hit a winding dirt road and end up at what seems to be an old scenic overlook. Ben backs the car up to the cliff, then gets out and walks around to open my door.

“Come on,” he says. “You needmyversion of therapy.” I take his hand, and he pulls me out of the car, then helps Annoth out too.

“Is this where you and the Greasers used to smoke Lucky Strikes and comb your hair and do choreographed musical numbers?” I ask.

Ben snorts, “Hey, it was the Sharks, not the Greasers. Get it right.” He opens the trunk and pulls out a cigar and a large flask, then we all perch on the back of the car with our feet up on the bumper. This view of the city and surrounding suburbs is beautiful, and it’s quiet here beneath the shade of the tall pines, no one else around. Ben hands me the flask and I take a sip. Straight, cheap tequila. Not sure what else I expected, and I make a face while he unwraps the cigar.

“What is this?” Annoth asks.

Ben takes her hand and places it on his thigh. “Can I get a light,mi amor?” he asks with an impish smile. A small blue flame appears in her upturned palm as she returns his grin. Ben lights the cigar and hands it to me.

“Gross,” I laugh, but take it anyway. The burning of the smoke in my mouth helps fend off the rising tide of emotions. I pass it to Annie, and she takes it, then blows out a large smoke ring that takes on the shape of a snake and slithers around Ben’s wrist. The silence between us isn’t deafening or awkward or heavy now. It feels natural as we all sit, looking out over the trees and the city. However, after a few more silent minutes, and a several more sips of tequila, there’s a new question burninga hole in my tongue, and I turn to Ben.

“Can I ask you something…a bit personal?”

“I am, unfortunately, an open book,” he replies.

“When did you…” I stop, take a deep breath, and try again. “When did you first realize…that you were bi?” He takes another sip from the flask, then sets it behind him before answering.

“I was…maybe fourteen or fifteen. My older sister brought a boyfriend home, and I realized I was just as interested in him as I was in the girls at my school. What about you?”

My foot slides off the bumper and I accidentally punch myself in the face. “I-I didn’t tell you…” I stutter. “Is…is it that obvious?”

“The drool hanging from your mouth when I came out of the shower that first night clued me in,” Ben says with a smirk, “but…I wasn’t sure if you even knew yet.”

I take another deep breath and let it out as a long, low laugh. “Yeah…I guess that’s fair. Well, when I was sixteen, I joined the lacrosse team, and–”

“Oh no,” groans Ben, leaning back on his hands. “He’s a jock too!”

“What is a jock?” Annoth asks.

“It’s a self-important idiot who thinks he’s God’s gift to the world because he can catch a ball or swing a bat,” Ben laughs.

“Hey!” I cry, grinning in spite of myself. “I am arecoveringjock, thank you! Anyway, I joined the team and figured out that I…really liked being in the changing room, you know? I didn’t tell anyone, cause I was so freaked out, but then…I ended up with a huge crush on the junior team captain, Jared. One night after a game, we were sitting together in the back of the bus, and everyone was asleep. We had a blanket over us, and we…fooled around.”

“Classic,” Ben says, and I laugh again, but then realize my hands are shaking. I’ve never talked to anyone but Molly about this either. Even Ros, who knew I had dated men in college, never knew about Jared. I just didn’t have the words to tell her what hadhappened.

“Well, I thought I was in love, of course,” I continue, “and I also thought it meant that we were…dating, I guess. The next week, at school, I tried to talk to him about it and he pretended like I was crazy, like I was making it all up. He acted like…I was some weird stalker who was obsessed with him. I ended up quitting the team because of it, but I couldn’t even tell my parents why. For a while, I had to convince myself that I’d dreamed the whole thing just so I wouldn’t break down. That’s when the panic attacks really started to get worse.”

“You didn’t deserve that,” Ben says, putting a hand on my knee, “and Jared’s gaslighting ass didn’t deserve you.”

My heart leaps into my throat at his kindness, and his touch.

“Once I got out of that town, I dated a few guys and realized I wasn’t crazy or messed up, but then I met Ros…and I guess I just assumed it was a phase. Everyone always joked about how girls experiment with other girls in college, so I figured it was the same way for guys. You experiment, and then you end up either being gay or straight.”

“Being with a woman doesn’t make you any less queer, Theo,” says Ben gently, “and it certainly doesn’t make it a phase. I’m sorry no one ever told you that.”

“May I ask a question now?” Annoth says, flipping her cascade of auburn hair back over her shoulders.

“Ehhh,” I groan, but Ben smacks me playfully on the leg.

“We’re supposed to be teaching her about human stuff!” he chides. “Go ahead, Annie girl.”

“What do these words mean? Queer? Bi? I do not understand.”

My mouth drops open slightly. This is not something I thought I’d ever have to explain to anyone in the age of the internet. Ben, however, gets a mischievous twinkle in his eye and takes the cigar from her.