Page 54 of This Blood That Breaks Us

“On purpose, no. Unintentionally . . . maybe. Tell me what your big secret is. Tell me about this thing you’ve never been able to say. It used to not matter. I didn’t care if you and Luke were doing something you shouldn’t be. But now it’s the only thing that matters because she’s gone. And I think you know who did it.”

I was such an idiot back then. Brainwashed child or not, I think it was the last night she ever trusted me. Ashley never started her classes. Not without Sarah. Probably why she wanted to go to San Francisco. To leave the carnage of her planned future behind. And I let her. Looking back, it all made perfect sense. I’d ruined her life. She was lucky to make it out alive after knowing me. Not everyone was so lucky. I would have ruined her, and she knew it, but she didn’t leave unscathed. None of us did. Sarah haunted us all, and I hoped she would continue to haunt me for the rest of my days. I owed it to her.

Luke’s voice snapped me out of my morning fog. “They hate me.”

We were on our way to the training room. Ezra had kept his end of the deal. Luke was spending more time with me than with the queen. He had to see her every morning, but most times, I could come along unless Sirius threw a fit.

It was more of the same mundane stuff. Walking in the cold. The queen put on Her show and tried to charm me and my brother into trusting Her. The scary thing was—it kind of worked. Mornings were quick. Being so close to Her felt like taking a nap. Once we left, I hardly remembered our conversation, but I always remembered how it felt to be close to Her.

“They don’t hate you.”

“They don’t respect me.”

“They’re delinquents who are brainwashed by a cult. Do you really want them to respect you?”

“Well, they like you.”

“Yeah, because I’m an asshole. They respond well to other assholes making them feel like shit.”

“You’re not an asshole,” Luke said matter-of-factly.

“Luke, we’ve established I am.”

“Yeah, but you’re more than that. You’re a good leader in a different way.”

I sighed. “They need someone like you more than they need someone like me.”

It was sounding like one of the many talks we kept having over and over.

Luke punched my shoulder. “Shut up.”

We walked together where the others were sparring. It was the room Sirius and I used most of the time. You needed little in a room that’s sole purpose was to tear people’s arms off. Connell was having a hard time with Henderson. They were too unevenly matched, and Henderson had a mean streak, but those were good here. Everyone I’d ever sparred since turning had one. They loved watching others suffer. That’s one reason it was so fun for me to make them suffer.

Connell was a weak link, though, and I didn’t know where to place him. I didn’t like watching the kid get the shit kicked out of him and his limbs almost tore off, but I couldn’t help him just because his blond hair was the exact same color as my brothers’. Or the fact that when he laughed it sounded like the laugh I used to make fun of Aaron for.

I couldn’t be soft.

“Hey, that’s enough.” Luke motioned for them to stop.

Luke, on the other hand, couldn’t help himself.

“What? We’ve only started getting warmed up. Connell is my partner.”

“Not today. I’m your partner.”

Oh shit.

That got everyone in the room stirring and moving in closer. The lower-ranked members had leaders, and Henderson was one of them. Each member of The Guard had their own little squad to look over, but no one was technically under Luke andme yet. We were in a weird in-between stage. Not quite The Guard but not one of them either.

“Luke, can I watch?” Connell was a bloody mess on the floor and could barely move.

“Course you can.” Luke beamed.

“You have him calling you by your first name now?” Henderson scoffed.

“There are two Calems here. Can’t really identify me that way, can he?” Luke tore a piece of his sleeve from his shirt to help cover the blood gushing from Connell’s shoulder.

Pain shot through my chest like someone speared me from behind. It was so sharp that for half a second, it felt as if something had. At first, I thought it was from Luke, but this wasn’t the usual dull ache in my chest that could turn from zero to excruciating, depending on the day.