Page 26 of This Blood That Breaks Us

I entered the room and sighed when I saw only my reflection in the mirror next to the door.

I think I liked my hair long, but I wasn’t sure what I did and didn’t like. All I knew was I didn’t like the way I felt staring at myself in the mirror.

Blackheart may have been brief, but it felt like an eternity away from the past . . . from Sarah . . .

“It’s beautiful,” I said, watching Sarah comb her dark hair while I sat on the edge of her bed.

“I hate it. It’s too dark. It doesn’t suit me.”

“Everything suits you.”

Sarah smiled at me in the mirror.“What if I dyed it pink, then what would you say?”

“I’d say . . . hell yeah. Then I’d dye mine too.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would if you wanted me to.”

“Would you want to?”

“I don’t know.”

“How do you not know?”

“I don’t know. I don’t always know how I feel about everything. Like most things are neutral. But I know when I feel something I really do care about. You know?”

She spun around in her computer chair. “No. I always know. Like I know I want highlights and I want them to be a level eight caramel blonde. And I want to lighten the whole thing to an auburn brown.”

“Oh. You should, then.”

“Would you like it?”

“I like anything on you.”

“You’re sure?”

“That, I’m sure of.”

I buried my face in my hands. If I could let go, I could get through this. I needed to be someone different here, but how when everywhere I looked, Sarah haunted me. Could you decide to be someone else? For that to happen, I had to know who I was to begin with, and I didn’t.

Who was Luke Calem? Just some guy who ruined the lives of everyone he came in contact with.

The undying optimism circled in my blood. A curse. I shoved it down as I gripped at the short hair on top of my head. I wanted that optimism to die. This place was poisonous. I couldn’t have both. I couldn’t be with Her and have peace. Me and this placewould never mix. No matter how much my body fought to have Her. It wasn’t my fault, but I felt guilty even thinking of Her.

There was only one solution to end my torment. We had to leave. It wasn’t a revolutionary idea. One we’d had over and over and tried before. It was the definition of insanity to try again. As I remembered the pull of Her when She ran Her fingers across my skin, I knew I’d never be able to avoid Her if we stayed. There had to be a way to get out of this place. And if there wasn’t, I’d have to find one.

Six

Zach

I wondered what Ashley would think if she could see where I’d ended up. She loved a man who could dress. At least I had that going for me.

I never thought I’d meet a girl I’d want to marry till I met her. And that day was unforgettable.

We had the same homeroom teacher freshman year of high school. The only thing I knew about her then was that her dad had money; she got driven to school in a nice car and always had on jewelry, like her favorite diamond earrings.

Ashley sat in front of me every day, and I didn’t say a word, resolving to ignore her. I didn’t resent people with more money than me, more like I couldn’t relate to them. We lived in different worlds. So I’d stare at the back of her neck and wonder how the hairdresser cut her bobs so straight.