Page 127 of This Blood That Breaks Us

Luke

I went to the bathroom while the room was spinning. I’d drank too much. Drinking with my brothers was fun, but drinking alone in my current state only made me feel haunted. I adjustedmy coat, then I was lost again, thinking of Sarah and of that night. It had to be because of that girl at the bar.

I stared at myself in that mirror, and I was transported back to senior prom.

I could feel Sarah’s hands on me and the sweet candy scent of her skin.

“No, Luke, what do you want?”

“I don’t know . . . ”

“Not what your brothers want or what anyone else wants. What do you want?”

Her hands were on my coat, pulling me till we were chest to chest. There were a million other places we could have been. Instead, we were alone together in her childhood bedroom. Her dad worked nights. The room was dark, besides the moonlight from the window and the glow from the stars on the ceiling.

What did I want? Did it matter? There was no want. Only what had to be done. What should be done.

“Luke?”

“Sarah. I can’t.”

“Just answer the question. Don’t think about anything else. What do you want?”

Her hair was peppered with glitter and her face painted with glitter stars over her freckles. She was fit to be a queen. I twirled her blue butterfly necklace between my fingers, and our breaths synced. She wore a short iridescent lilac dress, and I tried not to think of her as anything other than a friend. But it was impossible when she looked that beautiful.

“I want . . . ”

It never mattered what I wanted. I didn’t get to choose things like that.

“It’s okay to want something for yourself.”

Towering over her, I let my hand fall to her chest where her breath grew deeper. This time I kissed her. Long and slow untilher back hit the wall. My hand stopped at the zipper on the back of her dress.

What did I want? I wanted to be normal for a night. I wanted Sarah to be mine.

“I want you,”I whispered.“You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

In seconds, her dress was on the floor and my suit was crumpled next to it. It was our first time. That night was meant for her, and though it was painful to remember, it was one of my favorite memories.

The only person I ever told was Zach. Had that night never happened, she’d never have been targeted. I should have stuck to my gut. I shouldn’t have let things go that far, or she’d be alive. It was my fault.

Stop. Luke. Stop.

Steadying myself on the edge of the bathroom sink, I willed myself into the present with the stench of alcohol in the air and the puke in the next stall. That Luke didn’t exist. All the glamour of the night had faded away and all that was left was me. I slammed my fist into the mirror, and it shattered with a satisfying crack.

I forced myself out the door and back into the bar. My brother was gone. He’d let go. It was my turn. I spotted the girl again with her bright smile and her chirpy voice while she laughed with her friends.

“I wouldn’t do that.” Ezra was next to me again, sipping on his drink.

“I’m only going to talk to her.”

“No, you aren’t.”

“Yes, I am. And why can’t I? I didn’t see you lecturing my brother.”

“You’re not Zach. Your path will be different than his.”

We shared everything, including the fate of The Guard. Why not this too?