Page 129 of This Blood That Breaks Us

“I’m sorry.” Ezra’s voice felt far away as I stumbled back into the wall.

My numb hands moved up to wipe the blood from my eyes. I was covered in it. Hot stickiness clung to my skin. His voice was pulling me back to the present, but I didn’t want to go. Some of the other members picked up her body, then cleaned up the scene.

The panic spread as my chest tightened. I couldn’t even ask for Zach. I didn’t want his help. I didn’t want him to see this and try to make me feel better. Ezra inched closer to me, and my body crashed to the ground. Though it didn’t feel like my body anymore. I moved away to shield myself from him.

“D-don’t hurt me. Please. Please.” The voice coming from my lips wasn’t mine.

“Oh Luke, I’m not going to hurt you. I promise.” Ezra’s eyes softened as he took another step toward me. He leaned down till he was eye level, and I tried to squirm away.I should run, I thought, but I was frozen.

I hated myself and my weakness at that moment. I should have been able to fight it or stand up for myself, but all I could do was sit on the ground and shake. I was so pathetic.

Ezra’s hands were on my face as he used a handkerchief to wipe the blood. “You’ll be okay. It’s okay. I’m sorry. I tried to warn you. She ordered me to kill anyone you touched tonight. She said you’d be tempted to stray from The Divine Path.”

I said nothing. I wanted to push him off me, but his touch was the only thing that didn’t hurt. My gaze settled on the red pooling at my shoes, and the sob left my throat. What was my body count up to now? The number of people’s lives I’d ruined was in the double digits and climbing. This girl probably had a family and friends who would have to live with the reality that she was gone, killed brutally, and for what? For me?

I continued to cry. Hating myself for every single tear that fell. I didn’t deserve to cry for her. It happened because of me, because I was wrong.

“I’m going to help you. You’re going to get through this.”

I hated him, and I hated what we were. There was no positive in this. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t find one or a solution that would make any of it go away.

“I-I didn’t . . . I can’t.” I didn’t know what I was saying. It would have been better if he’d left me there to cry in the dirt till sunrise.

“I’m going to help you. I promise. It won’t always be like this.” Ezra grabbed my head and laid it on his shoulder.

Then I finally came undone. A sob broke through my throat, and I buried my head into his shoulder. I hated us, but he was all I had in that moment, and that gave me the hope that days would get better. I hated The Family, yet loved them all dearly at the same time. I was broken, and he was the only thing keeping me from severing completely. My chest burned, ached, and screamed for my attention.

“Shhh. It’s okay. You’ll be home soon. You’ll be close to Her, and you’ll feel good as new.”

I relaxed a little at the thought. A confusing mix of emotions made my head spin. I was glad Zach had a different path. I wanted him away from Her, but I wanted him to protect Her. I wanted Ezra to get off me, but his shoulder was warm in the cold night, and I neededsomething. Anything to make the pain in my chest stop.

He caressed my head, the way a dad comforts a child, and I let go. Slowly, I returned to my body. I let him calm me and let the image of going home to Her bring me comfort. I needed no one else but Her. I could get through it if I had Her. It was my fault, and I couldn’t remedy it, but I could devote myself entirely to Her. Show Her there was no one else I’d rather be with. Thenwe could pass into eternity. I’d never be apart from Her, and a tragedy like that would never happen to anyone else ever again.

Forty-Two

Luke

I didn’t remember the car ride back to the castle. Only the hum of the car engine and the hot air on my face. Ezra’s car smelled like leather polish, and that was the only thing keeping me from fully dissociating. Nothing felt real. I was wondering if I had diedsenior year when I got shot. I hadn’t seen it coming. Much like this. That made more sense than everything that followed.

I should be more positive.

My familiar inner voice tried to level with me, but did it matter anymore? What was the point? Zach was fine. Will and Thane were alive. That counted for something.

I blinked, and we were in the castle. Walking like my shoes were filled with lead, I couldn’t feel my feet hitting the carpet.

Ezra dragged me beside him, and I tried not to focus on the stickiness of the blood on my shirt or the smell of it.

I knew where he was taking me. I felt Her in my blood as I got closer.

She was in Her room wearing a silk nightgown, and Her hair was braided out of Her face. I’d never seen it braided.

I expected Her to smile at my state or to tell me it was my own doing and I deserved to be hurt, but She didn’t. She stroked my cheek with a furrowed brow.

“He’ll need a change of clothes. Will you send for them?”

Ezra nodded.

“Would you like to shower?” She said.