Page 53 of Ruthless Chaos

There’s an ache in my chest, but it feels deeper than that.

I wish I had died in the explosion with Dolores, or even the attack on the hospital.

What’s the point of being here for “protection” if I’m going to suffer the entire time?

As humiliating as it is, I cry for as long as my body allows, until the tears dry up and all I can manage are weak, mangled sobs.

When I get a hold of myself, Alexander is gone.

FIFTEEN

ALLIE

“You can’t keep sulkinglike this, Allie!” Tara screams.

She’s standing over my bed, her arms akimbo.

It’s midday on a Friday. I have no more classes for the day, but she refuses to leave me alone. I roll over, bringing the sheets with me. The movement puts pressure on my thigh, and the bite of pain is fleeting.

I cut a lot this week. More than I ever have.

It didn’t help much.

“I can, and I will,” I say from my linen cocoon.

Silence. I sigh, relieved that she’s finally given up.

We’ve been arguing for the past hour. All I want is some peace and quiet to fall asleep. The black expanse behind my eyelids is my only escape from this place.

There’s a soft patter of feet against the floor.

Apparently, I was wrong.

Tara jumps on to my bed, pulling on the covers I’ve wrapped myself in. I shriek and so does she, but she doesn’t let up. She’s surprisingly strong for someone so slight.

I’m certain I weigh more than she does.

“You’re going to get out of this fucking bed,” she says in a threatening tone, her Spanish accent thicker than usual. “I’m not going to allow you to waste away in bed because of Alexander.”

The mention of him reopens the wound I’m desperately trying to close.

Alexander and his massive dick have haunted my thoughts throughout the day and my dreams at night. It’s been a battle trying to erase himandmy traitorous feelings from my mind.

I didn’t tell Tara the whole story, and I don’t intend to.

She thinks I’m sad and anxious because Alexander threatened to hurt me for talking to Liam. I don’t think I could bear the shame of telling her that he humiliated me, forced me to give him headand I liked it.

“Please, just let me sleep.” Forever, preferably.

She huffs and keeps pulling. “I won’t let you. You’re a freshman in college, Allie! You should be enjoying that, not sulking over that asshole.”

Her optimism makes me a little angry.

To her, everything seems simpler than it is.

She doesn’t know that my life is basically a ticking time-bomb. That evenshewould feel tempted to kill me if she found out I lied to get into this place.

I sink deeper into the mire.