Page 71 of Pistols and Plush Toys

Nikolai couldn’t sleep.

The arousal that had been simmering low in his belly from touching Elliot, watching Elliot come undone, had turned into an unpleasant roiling guilt when he’d seen Elliot snuggled up with his stuffed animals, tucked up for bed.

Elliot was so gentle. So deserving of kindness and care. He didn’t belong in Nikolai’s world. Not with the ever present dangers that shadowed Nikolai’s life.

If Elliot were Nikolai’s, then he’d be vulnerable. Rivals would see him as a weakness to exploit. Someone with a thirst for power could try to hurt Elliot to get to Nikolai.

After all, hadn’t that been what Nikolai had done, when Elliot was with Vitale?

Nikolai shifted under his covers as the thoughts battered him. He simply didn’t have many people in his life that he was so close to. Meredith was vulnerable of course, which was why she had constant protection. Gerard could handle himself, but he too was rarely without another employee.

Elliot couldn’t want the dangers of Nikolai’s business hanging over him.

Elliot loved cooking—his dream was to work in restaurants.

How could he be happy if he was always having to look over his shoulder?

If he always needed a guard at his back, no matter where he was and what he was doing?

He’d never be free to just… be a person.

Vitale had done that. Locked Elliot up in a penthouse fortress and forbidden Elliot from seeing friends. Elliot had been allowed to cook, but only in Vitale’s establishment.

Nikolai couldn’t— wouldn’t be like Vitale.

So instead of kissing Elliot goodnight like he’d so dearly wanted to do, Nikolai had left Elliot in his bedroom, soft and sleepy and sweet, and gone back to his own room.

But sleep wouldn’t come for him.

Elliot had given him such a gift with that evening’s meal. Nikolai had missed the food of his childhood, but he hadn’t actually thought he’d ever recapture it. In Nikolai's life, when things were gone, they were gone .

Nikolai should have left well enough alone after. He’d thanked Elliot at dinner, he hadn’t needed to go to Elliot’s bedroom. Hadn’t needed to pick up овца and—

He needed to apologize. He needed to explain to Elliot how hard his life would become if they were to be together. If Nikolai was selfish, if Nikolai tried to keep Elliot then…

Then Elliot would lose his freedom.

***

Nikolai groaned when he checked the time on his phone.

It was still early, but it was no longer a completely unreasonable time to get out of bed.

He’d had an awful night of tossing and turning, because every time he closed his eyes Nikolai pictured Elliot, soft and sweet, and he ached for what he couldn’t allow himself to have.

He forced himself out of bed and into the shower, hoping to wake himself up a bit more. Once he was done in the bathroom he slung a towel around his hips and strode to his closet. He still felt dull and exhausted, but he needed to at least not look it.

He ended up with a crisp white french cuff dress shirt and a nice pair of slacks. The shirt was the same one he’d worn on his and Elliot’s first dinner and movie date.

Fake date.

Biting back the curse, Nikolai plucked out his favorite cufflinks and fit them into the button holes. As he did, his thoughts still spiraled. He needed… he needed to explain to Elliot why Nikolai was wrong for him. Why he was no good.

And Nikolai would feel so, so guilty having that conversation while eating a breakfast Elliot had prepared for him.

Pulling out his phone, Nikolai sent a quick text to Meredith, letting her know that he planned to take Elliot out for breakfast. She might not be awake at this hour, but Meredith liked to know all his comings and goings.

Nikolai would have to drive—as far as he knew, only Pyotr was on staff right now, at the gate. Pyotr would need to stay to watch the house.

In the kitchen, Nikolai made himself a coffee and allowed himself one fleeting, longing glance at his liquor cabinet before he growled at himself and turned away from it. He couldn’t drown his sorrows in alcohol whenever he had them. He was done being that person.

Elliot wouldn’t like it, if he were.

He had finished his coffee and was contemplating a second cup, just to feel more alive, when Elliot padded into the kitchen, clearly ready to make Nikolai breakfast.

“Oh!” Elliot said, as he caught sight of Nikolai. He looked surprised to see Nikolai awake already, but then his expression settled into one of quiet delight. “Good morning.”

It made Nikolai ache. He didn’t deserve such an expression. “Morning.”

“Did you sleep okay?” Elliot asked, going to the cabinet to pull out a pan.

“I’m sleeping enough,” Nikolai said, trying and failing not to grunt out of the words. “But I’m thinking I will take you out for breakfast today.”

“Oh,” Elliot said again, giving Nikolai a shy smile. “Okay. That sounds nice.”

You can’t have this, Nikolai growled at himself. You’re not allowed to have this. You can’t take away his freedom. “We can go now,” Nikolai said, looking away from Elliot so he didn’t give into the urge to reach out and draw him in. To kiss that shy, pleased smile. “If you are ready?”

“Okay,” Elliot said. He seemed to take in Nikolai’s dress shirt and cuffs, the nice slacks, a contrast to Elliot’s hoodie and jeans. “Should I change?”

“Is fine,” Nikolai said shortly. “You look good.”

“Thank you,” Elliot said, though his expression had turned tentative. “Um, so do you.”

Nikolai shrugged and turned away to set his coffee mug in the sink. It hurt too much to look at him. To be so close to what he wanted and couldn’t have.

“Where are we going for breakfast?” Elliot asked, as he followed Nikolai out to the car.

“Lemon Meringue,” Nikolai said, feeling immediately guilty that he was springing this outing on Elliot and that he hadn’t given Elliot a choice in the restaurant.

Up until now he’d let Elliot choose where they went to eat.

Elliot loved to look at menus and compare places to go.

Nikolai had been so single-minded that he’d just made the choice himself.

“But we can go another place if you are wanting.”

“That sounds good,” Elliot said as they got into the car. “Is there something specific there you’re in the mood for?”

Nikolai shrugged again. “Wanted you should not cook today.”

“Alright,” Elliot said hesitantly.

“Maybe I was thinking we could order lunch,” Nikolai added, the words tumbling out of him. Too rough. But all he could think was that he needed to get used to no longer having Elliot cooking for him.

“Oh,” Elliot said, but even softer now. “Okay.”

His gaze dropped to his lap, and Nikolai hated it, hated that Elliot was curling himself up smaller because of Nikolai’s poor behavior.

But it was better this way, wasn’t it? Better that Elliot have additional reasons to leave.

They reached Lemon Meringue in uncomfortable silence. There was no easy public parking in this part of downtown, so Nikolai pulled up to the complimentary valet. He got out and walked around to get Elliot’s door. Elliot gave him a small, tentative smile, and Nikolai looked away.

He handed the keys to the valet, and got the ticket.

A waiter took them to their seats, giving them the spiel, and then they put in drink orders. Nikolai asked for another coffee, black, because he needed strength to get him through this, and Elliot ordered an orange juice.

Elliot hadn’t been given any time to look at the menu, so he did so when the waiter left. His shoulders were hunched and he was keeping his gaze down, glancing up at Nikolai and then hurriedly dropping his eyes again. Like he’d pulled himself in, uncertain. Like he was afraid of what was to come.

Fuck, Nikolai didn’t want to be doing this. Hurting Elliot was the last thing he wanted to be doing. And he knew this would hurt him, because Elliot was too good.

Elliot looked back up at him again and then back to the menu, biting at his lip.

Fuck.

“Elliot—” Nikolai started, trying to sound gentle.

“Is… did I do something wrong?” Elliot asked, cutting in. His voice was small, and he was still holding the menu, like he wanted to hide behind it. “Or, um, do you… um, last night…”

Nikolai steeled himself.

“Do you… regret last night? What we did?” Elliot asked. His eyes stayed on the menu, but he looked miserable, crestfallen in a way Nikolai didn’t think he’d ever seen.

Nikolai sighed heavily. He needed to be honest. “Yes,” he said, trying to infuse the words with remorse. “I’m sorry.”

Elliot's expression fell further. It felt like twisting the knife in Nikolai’s own chest.

“Oh,” Elliot said quietly. He set the menu down, but his eyes were still on the table. “Okay.”

“Is not okay, what I did,” Nikolai said hoarsely. “Not when I’m knowing you should leave me. Is not right—”

Elliot’s head jerked up, eyes wide. “You… you want me to leave?” He asked, voice cracking.

The waiter chose then to return, delivering his coffee and Elliot’s orange juice. He asked for their breakfast order, and Elliot’s voice trembled when he ordered his food. Nikolai asked for the first thing on the menu his eyes landed on.

The waiter left.

Elliot turned back to Nikolai, heartbreak written all over his face. “Nikolai, I…”

“I’m not wanting you to leave,” Nikolai said. Dangerous. I’m dangerous. “But I think maybe you should go.”

“I-I’m sorry,” Elliot said, voice wet. “I’m sorry. I didn’t—I wouldn’t have—”

He wouldn’t have... what? Nikolai stared at him in horror at how that sentence might end, heart clenching in pain.

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” Elliot whispered. “I’m sorry. Please don’t send me away.”

Elliot was apologizing? Was this his misplaced sense of blame? He looked crushed sitting across from Nikolai. Nikolai had done this, and he hated himself for it. He never, ever wanted to cause Elliot pain.