Page 66 of Pistols and Plush Toys

Nikolai cringed, taking a few more steps away from the building. It was unlikely anyone was listening to him, but he still felt the shame. “I know. I’m stupid.”

“You’re not stupid,” Gerard said on a sigh. “You’re soft , but that’s not the worst thing to be.” A pause. “And I know you’ve been… happier this last month. I should’ve figured it out.”

That almost made him laugh. He wasn’t that transparent, was he?

“I was not wanting you to,” Nikolai said. “I’m bad person. He’s been hurt, I should not want–”

“You’re not a bad person,” Gerard cut in, annoyed now. “Cut it with that shit, Kolya.” Gerard had never had the patience for his negative self-talk. “Yeah, he’s been hurt, but you’ve been making it better. ”

Better did not make it right. What was better when compared to what Elliot had been living through for the last five years? “I’m first safe thing he’s have in years. Is not right.”

“Not right?” Gerard scoffed. “Fuck that. What’s not right is the shitstain he was with before.”

“Vitale is worst,” Nikolai said. “Does not mean I’m still not bad.”

Over the phone Gerald made a huffing sound. “I mean, you two have been getting along, right? Is he comfortable staying with you?”

“I think yes,” Nikolai allowed. “He’s eat more. More… happy.” Those sweet, shy smiles, the bright spots of laughter. “I hope.”

Gerard hummed thoughtfully over the line. Nikolai thought he could almost hear the soft shck of metal being played with. “Listen… you like him, Kolya. So maybe it’s worth a try? I mean, after all of this is done. What’s the harm in talking about it, if he says yes?”

“I’m not safe,” Nikolai said sharply. “What we—what I do, is not safe.”

“I really hope you’re not comparing the way we run things to the way that that fuck does,” Gerard said.

“I know we do better,” Nikolai said. “But is still dangerous. Right now, Elliot, he’s live with me, is employed by me. He’s dependent. Is not free choice.”

“Fine, I’ll give you that,” Gerard sighed. “Right now it’s… tricky.”

“Yes,” Nikolai said. “Is why—”

“But right now is not forever,” Gerard interrupted him. “After Mattia’s been fit for his cement shoes, Elliot doesn’t have to be dependent on you.”

“I’m not safe forever,” Nikolai grumbled.

“My god, you’re always so dramatic,” Gerard said. Nikolai could practically hear the eye roll. “Does Elliot agree with you?”

“Agree with what?”

“That being with you is so unsafe that he wouldn’t want it,” Gerard said. “Like, have you actually asked him what he wants?”

“Is not—” Nikolai started.

“So you don’t know.” Gerard interrupted. “You don’t know what Elliot wants, do you? But you’re just going to decide what he wants? Take away his choice, the way Mattia did?”

Nikolai cringed. “I just am wanting him safe.”

“Okay, yeah, I get that,” Gerard said. “But Kolya, nothing in life is one hundred percent safe, you know that, right? I mean, it’s all varying amounts of risk.

Like, I love Meri like a sister, and I want her to be safe, but I invited her into this.

I knew she’d be brilliant at the job, so I gave her the full picture of what it would come with and the option to choose whether or not to take it.

I can try to keep her safe, but I can’t keep her in a cage.

That’s the kind of shit that Mattia did. ”

He wasn’t wrong, but Nikolai didn’t like hearing it.

Not because he didn’t want the outcome where Elliot chose to stay with him, but because the hope of it was almost too painful to bear.

It was one thing to brace himself for Elliot leaving.

It was another to consider he might not.

Hope could be even more painful than keeping oneself shut off altogether.

“I think you should ask him,” Gerard said when Nikolai had nothing to say.

“Elliot already knows what to expect, with this life. He’s already been unsafe in basically every sense of the word.

So man up, yeah? Be honest about your feelings and see what he wants.

That's the only way you’re going to know.

The only way you can actually respect his autonomy. ”

There was movement from the building, Nikolai’s men coming out, having finished cleanup.

“Maybe,” Nikolai conceded. “I have to go.”

Gerard laughed. “Honestly just surprised you hadn’t hung up on me yet. See you tonight?”

“See you tonight,” Nikolai said, and hung up the phone.

***

When Nikolai got home that afternoon, he managed to make it across the house and into the shower without running into Elliot. He was glad for it, because he needed to wash off the day.

Needed to wash off the thoughts rattling around in his head, before he could face Elliot again.

By the time he was out and dressed, he knew one thing for sure: he needed to tell Elliot about Vitale coming back. Now that they had more concrete information, Elliot deserved to be kept in the loop at least somewhat.

Because a lot of what Gerard said rang true in other areas too. Nikolai didn’t want to control Elliot. Didn’t want to make decisions for him. So he had to be honest.

Maybe not about the other thing, not now. Nikolai had decided that kind of honesty would be best left for later. For when Elliot wasn’t relying on him for everything.

But he could at least tell him about Vitale returning.

As he strode into the living room, he found Elliot standing, one hip leaned against the arm of the couch, eyes on his phone. He was frowning, his brows knit together. But when he noticed Nikolai, he looked up and smiled.

Nikolai’s stomach flipped.

“Welcome back,” Elliot said. Then he paused, looking Nikolai up and down. “How did… things go today?”

It was painfully touching that he cared. And it made everything so much harder. “Was fine,” Nikolai said. He didn’t want to go into detail about his “meetings.” What was done was done, and now he was home. “But I have something to tell you. Vitale is returning next week.”

He saw the news hit, the way Elliot sucked in a breath, his hand tightening around his phone. “Oh.”

“He won’t hurt you again,” Nikolai promised. “He won’t touch you.”

Elliot bit at his lip, rubbed at his shoulder with his free hand. “No, I—I know.” His smile was a tremulous thing, but he was trying. So fucking brave. “You’ve, um, you’ve really done a lot to… to help me feel safe.”

“Is… very good,” Nikolai managed, feeling like he’d been sucker-punched. “I’m glad you feel safe… here.”

Safe with me?

Elliot leaned forward, looking up at him. His eyes were such a pretty color, and this close Nikolai could see the flecks of green and gold within them. His lip was reddened slightly from being bitten, but it was smiling now, a soft little thing, and Nikolai listed forward helplessly—

“I—” Elliot started, and the phone in his hand buzzed. Startled, he broke their eye contact to look down at his phone. It snapped whatever tension had spun up between them.

Nikolai took a deep breath and took a step back.

“Sorry,” Elliot said. “Sorry, I—” He started typing on his phone, looking troubled.

“What is wrong?” Nikolai asked, frowning.

“Xander’s… having some trouble at home,” Elliot said quietly, glancing back up at Nikolai. “We’re just talking about it.”

“Is he okay?” Nikolai asked, frowning harder. Xander was a good friend to Elliot, for all that they hadn’t been back in contact for very long. Was Xander in trouble too?

“Sort of,” Elliot said, eyes on his phone again. “He lives with his parents. They’re, um… not great.”

“He is not wanting to be there?” Nikolai clarified.

“Yeah,” Elliot said. “It’s just… a bad situation.”

No wonder Elliot was so visibly upset. He knew exactly how difficult it was to be unhappy at home. To be living with someone who wanted to make you miserable.

“Invite him to come out with us,” Nikolai said as soon as the thought occurred.

“What?” Elliot asked, eyes wide.

“To dinner,” Nikolai said. “He is not wanting to be at home, so he can go out with us.”

“But… but tonight is for you and Gerard and Meredith,” Elliot said.

“Is no problem,” Nikolai assured him. “He is important to you, and is hurting. So he’s come, get away from home.”

“You’re–you’re sure?” Elliot was tentatively hopeful, like he liked the idea, but was still afraid to believe Nikolai meant it.

“I’m saying yes,” Nikolai said, doing his best to project encouragement. “Invite him. Will be nice.”

“Okay,” Elliot said, his smile unfurling like a blossom. “I—thank you. Really.”

Nikolai pulled out his own phone. “I will tell them we have guest, okay? Don’t worry.”

“Okay,” Elliot said again, still looking at Nikolai and smiling so brightly. “I’ll let him know he can come, if he wants to.”

“Good,” Nikolai said, turning to his own phone and resolutely ignoring the butterflies.

***

Meredith and Gerard were already at the restaurant when he and Elliot arrived, so they were guided back into the private booth seating they’d reserved.

Gerard had left off the leather jacket tonight and was just wearing a black button up.

Meredith was in a deep blue dress that matched the sapphire teardrop earrings dangling from her ears and the polish on her nails.

They did greetings all around as Elliot slid into the booth next to Meredith and Nikolai followed after.

“I like your dress,” Elliot said shyly to Meredith.

“Oh, thank you,” Meredith said with a smile. “And you look very nice in your new clothes too. Everything we get working out for you?”

“Yeah. Um, thank you,” Elliot said. “It’s all been—everything’s been great.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Meredith said.

Elliot opened his mouth to speak, but then his eyes caught on something across the room. He waved, and Nikolai turned to see Xander walking in, his bright shock of red hair unmistakable.

Xander scanned the room, lighting upon Elliot, and started in their direction. He was wearing a button down and a pair of dark wash jeans, and uncertainty was written all over his face.