Page 50 of Pistols and Plush Toys

Elliot had never thought about it like that. About fear being a roadblock he could climb over instead of a brick wall stopping him in his tracks.

Then his eyes drifted over the hand still holding Sheep, the scars on Nikolai’s knuckles. “He… he’s not going to come over here and make you go back to Russia, is he?”

“No,” Nikolai said gently. “I’m thinking that time has passed. I do his business here, and he is leaving me alone.”

“Okay,” Elliot said, relieved. “That’s good.”

“But now you must sleep,” Nikolai said. “Is long day, and you didn’t sleep well.”

He lifted Sheep up and Elliot scooted down properly under the covers, taking a quiet, shuddering breath when Nikolai placed Sheep back down at his side, snuggled up against him and then adjusted Apricot and Max to be tucked up too.

“Thank you,” Elliot said in the darkness, as Nikolai went to retreat.

“For what?” Nikolai asked, turning back to him, just a silhouette.

“For… for making me feel safe,” Elliot whispered. Because even with the nightmares, the threat of Mattia looming, he did feel safe.

Because of Nikolai.

“Thank you for being brave,” Nikolai replied. “Goodnight, Elliot.”

“Goodnight,” Elliot said, and then Nikolai left the room, closing the door behind him.

Once he was gone, Elliot lay in bed with his stuffed animals tucked around him and felt the phantom sensation of Sheep stroking up and down his skin.

Nikolai was always so gentle with him. So careful.

He was so kind, even when he didn’t have to be, when it was just the two of them alone in this room.

He… he liked when Nikolai touched him with one of the plush animals. It made him feel so warm and easy. It was also sort of a loophole in Mattia's threat. Because Apricot or Max or Sheep touching him wasn’t Nikolai touching him.

And that was okay, right?

Elliot sighed and rolled over, burying his face in the pillow. It was just so nice to be touched. A simple comfort he hadn’t realized until recently he’d gone so long without.

Every time Mattia put his hands on Elliot, it had been with desire. There had been an unspoken demand for sex, even if Elliot hadn’t really… let himself realize that that was all it was. He’d just wanted to please Mattia.

Which, of course, meant that all of the sex they had had… had revolved almost exclusively around Mattia's desires.

What of… Elliot’s desire?

Elliot thought about the warmth thrumming through his body now and tried to trace back the last time he’d felt like that. It had been a long time. Months? Years?

When was the last time he’d felt safe with Mattia?

Had he ever?

When he turned those memories of their early days over in his mind now, Elliot saw them differently. Duller. Like they’d once been bright polaroid pictures, and now they were yellowed and grainy, the edges warping.

Elliot’s hand fumbled out from under his covers to find Sheep and pull him close. He wrapped his arms around the plush and rubbed his cheek against Sheep’s soft wool.

As he did so, he got a lingering whiff of Nikolai's cologne in the fur, and felt more of that drugging warmth flow through him.

It was a sobering thought that Nikolai, who Elliot hadn’t met all that long ago, had cared for him more in the last few weeks than Mattia had in all the years of their relationship.

Nikolai didn’t even have to do any of what he’d been doing.

But he’d been making so much effort to make sure Elliot was comfortable here.

Elliot breathed out a hot puff of air against Sheep. The warmth from their evening was everywhere now, from his toes to his fingertips. His thighs shifted restlessly, and he could feel the heat concentrating between them.

Desire burbled up, syrupy and almost sweet. He hadn’t felt actual desire in so long.

Elliot hadn’t touched himself in months.

Hadn’t felt the need. But now, one of his hands wandered down to his sleep shorts.

He slid a hand over himself through the fabric, and the warmth there became gentle sparks.

He rubbed his face against Sheep, breathing in the scent of Nikolai’s cologne.

It was soothing, that scent. Not sharp, like so many of the ones that Mattia wore.

It meant safety. Comfort.

His hips pushed up against his own hand, and Elliot heard himself make a caught sound. It startled him, his own reaction, how good it felt in his body. Like he was coming back to himself. Like those simple touches with Sheep had made him alive in his skin again.

A small voice in the back of his head tried to tell him he should stop, but Elliot… Elliot didn’t want to. He wanted–

His hand wrapped loosely around himself, feeling his cock stiffen further. That was another shock, feeling himself harden. He’d had times, with Mattia, when even trying to get off had done very little for him. Nothing in his head could stoke him to finish.

Now it seemed all too easy.

Elliot’s other hand pulled Sheep away from his chest and trailed its nose down his arm again in a facsimile of what Nikolai had done. He shivered as his hips pushed up against his own hand. He remembered the look on Nikolai’s face, how watchful he’d been to make sure the touch was okay.

In the dark with his eyes closed, it was all too easy to conjure the scene again. Nikolai sitting on the bed beside him, moving Sheep across his skin. Controlling that softness trailing up and down his side, tickling his neck and then his cheek with the fluff.

The deep tones of his accent when he said, you are safe. You are brave.

Elliot’s hips hitched up as his hand gave just the smallest amount of pressure and friction. He felt so sensitive everywhere, his nerves lighting up, and it came to him suddenly, the realization how dull everything had been for him for so long. He’d been shuffling around half dead in his body.

And now he was thawing. Burning up, but it felt so good.

Sheep went back down his arm and then brushed the small patch of bare stomach revealed between his T-shirt and shorts. Elliot shivered, his thighs coming together, palm pressing down against the sweet ache between his legs.

He could feel the weight of Nikolai’s eyes on him. Not holding him down, not pinning him there, but a comforting weight. One that would make sure he was okay. Safe.

Happy.

Sheep slid lower, taking the place of his hand, and Elliot gasped at the touch. His body rolled back over automatically, onto his front, pinning Sheep beneath him, and he froze like that, body trembling.

He’d… he’d never done this before. Never thought about this before. He should stop. He shouldn’t—he shouldn’t do this. It was wrong, it—

But the pulsing desire in his body was unraveling him.

Elliot groaned as his hips pressed down into the bed, into Sheep. It was barely enough friction with how soft Sheep was, but for some reason that only deepened the pleasure. Everything was soft.

His whole body quaked under the surface, driving him forward.

Elliot was so hard now, wet and desperate as he slowly moved against his stuffed animal. All of the sensations were so loud in his head, and behind them was Nikolai’s voice, Nikolai's scent, the weight of his hand at the small of Elliot’s back.

His hands curled into the sheets to hold on as he panted hot against his pillow and kept moving. Heady pleasure seeped in, pulling him slowly, inexorably apart.

You are doing well.

The words came back to him unexpectedly. His hips thrust against Sheep once, twice, in desperate need—

And then suddenly Elliot was at the edge and tumbling over. Pleasure poured over him slow and steady, thick like honey. His body pulsed as he kept moving, driving himself in gentle waves against Sheep.

He moaned through the throb of it, through arousal so heavy it made him breathless. It went on for a long time, longer than he’d ever come before.

When he finally stopped moving, easing down the other side of the storm, Elliot was drained.

He rolled himself over to breathe.

“Oh god,” he whispered to the dark. He–he shouldn’t have done that. It was so wrong. So weird.

It was bad enough to have stuffed animals as an adult. But to do what he just did—to think about Nikolai like that—

He felt around in the dark for Sheep, and was horrified to find wetness on his fur.

His come.

Elliot flushed so hot he thought he might burn straight to the bed.

“Oh god,” he moaned again, and stumbled up on clumsy feet. His exhausted body wanted nothing more than to drop off to sleep, but he couldn’t just leave Sheep like this. And Elliot couldn’t leave himself messy either. He needed to clean up. Get rid of the evidence. Make it so it never happened.

Because it would never happen again.

In the dark, Elliot stumbled to the bathroom and wiped himself clean before returning to his room to get a new pair of sleep shorts. Then he brought Sheep to the bathroom and gently began to spot wash his fur.

The entire time, Elliot avoided looking up and seeing his own face in the mirror. He already knew there was shame written stark across his cheeks. He didn’t want to look into the eyes of a man who would do what he’d just done.

It took a few minutes to clean Sheep. Elliot tried to be thorough, and when he brought the stuffed animal back to bed, he set Sheep across the bed from him and out of his reach.

He couldn’t get rid of Sheep, because Nikolai would ask questions that Elliot would never want to answer, but he could keep Sheep out of his filthy hands. Prevent that from ever happening again.

Sheep was a gift Elliot didn’t deserve, but he couldn’t give him up. But it wasn’t… surprising that Elliot had taken a nice thing and sullied it.

There was something wrong with him.

Back in bed he groaned and rolled over and came face to face with Max.

He shouldn’t allow himself any more comfort tonight, shouldn’t trust himself with his stuffed animals, but he so badly needed the comfort. He drew Max to his chest, wrapping his arms around him.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered into the bear's fur.

He was so very sorry. Sorry for what he’d done. For how much he’d liked it. How much he wanted to do it again even though it was so wrong.

He couldn’t think about that. He wouldn’t think about that. He couldn’t ruin Nikolai's gifts like that.

Nikolai. Elliot was sorry for that too. For thinking of the man, getting off to the thought of him, his voice, his scent.

Nikolai was so kind to him, and this was what Elliot did to repay that kindness.

Elliot squeezed his eyes shut. Never again. Any of it.

Never again.