Page 55 of Pistols and Plush Toys

Xander: So hey, can I ask what’s been going on with you since you left Melrose? Or… what happened after you left?

Xander: Unless you want to wait to talk in person!

Xander: Or if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay too!!

Elliot stared at the texts from Xander. They’d been chatting casually for the last few days, just updates about what they were doing and how their day was going.

Getting used to talking to each other again.

Elliot was happy to reconnect and he appreciated that Xander seemed so excited about it, but he’d been kind of relieved that Xander had kept most of their conversations slightly more superficial, at least to start.

But now Elliot had a choice to make.

He thought it over as he made breakfast. What did he want to say?

What could he say? Obviously he couldn’t tell Xander about any of the…

mafia stuff. And Elliot wouldn’t want to anyway.

He would rather not relive Mattia hurting him or the terror of being kidnapped, for all that Nikolai had turned out to be—

Well. Had turned out to be a total sweetheart.

There were other things he could talk about though.

Other details he could give that wouldn’t implicate anyone.

Certainly Xander deserved some explanation as to why Elliot had suddenly quit Melrose and then essentially disappeared, ignoring all his friends’ texts until they finally stopped making attempts to contact him.

So what did he want to say?

By the time he and Nikolai had eaten and Nikolai had excused himself for work, Elliot had decided on a version of honesty. Obviously he couldn’t be completely open with Xander, but he wanted to tell his friend at least part of the truth. He owed Xander that much.

And Elliot wanted his friend back. He wanted to be able to connect and talk about more than just superficial things.

Elliot: It's okay. I want to tell you. It might be easier to tell you in text anyway.

He got a reply almost immediately. But that made sense—Xander must not be at work yet.

Xander: I’m ready for whatever you want to tell me. But no pressure!!

Elliot left the kitchen and paused in front of the couch in the living room.

Nikolai had told him at breakfast that he’d be out of the house today, handling more of his father’s business, so Elliot had run of the house.

It was odd to be in Nikolai’s space while Nikolai wasn’t present.

Even on the days Nikolai had to shut himself in his office, Elliot had known he wasn’t by himself.

But now Elliot was alone and he found… he found that he felt okay. Like he didn’t have to tiptoe around like he used to, walking on eggshells because he was terrified to crack one.

He took a seat on the couch.

Elliot: Well, I guess to start, I left Melrose because of my ex-boyfriend. Mattia? I don’t know if you ever met him, but he picked me up a few times while I was there.

Xander: I think I remember him. Tall guy, olive skin, vaguely disapproving look?

That’s him, Elliot thought with a sigh. It went along with his baseline personality, which was also vaguely disapproving.

Elliot: Yeah. He, uh, didn’t like how much time work took up. So mostly I didn’t work. I did the occasional shift at a small diner he owned, but not much else the last few years. It wasn’t… a good situation.

He stared at the text message a long time before he hit send.

It was hard to explain what had happened.

At the time it had felt like what he was supposed to do, but now he was embarrassed about how he’d let Mattia shave his life down to nothing.

How he’d stayed so long— years. Even without knowing what Mattia did for work, it shouldn’t—it shouldn’t have gone on like that. Elliot loved cooking so much.

Why had he ever let someone convince him to stop?

Xander: Oh…. I’m really sorry to hear that, Elliot. Are you okay?

Elliot: I’m a lot better now. It’s been so much better now that I’m not with Mattia anymore.

Xander: That sounds like a huge improvement. Good for you for leaving!!

Elliot smiled down at his phone and decided to offer up something else.

Elliot: Thank you. Nikolai, the guy that I was with at your restaurant, he’s helped me a lot. He helped me leave, and for right now he’s letting me stay at his place.

Obviously not exactly how things had gone, but it was the closest version of the truth that he could give.

It was still painful to put into words just how bad everything had gotten with Mattia, but Elliot wanted to look forward. He was doing so much better now, and that’s what he wanted to focus on.

Xander: Gotcha, wow, okay. I’m glad you’re out of there!! And SAFE!!

Elliot: Me too.

Elliot: Sorry again to have disappeared on you and everyone. It was a shitty thing to do.

Xander: Hey, no. Look, it’s totally water under the bridge. It sounds like you had a lot you were trying to handle. I’m just happy I spotted you at Blue Snake and that you wanted to reconnect!

Elliot: I am too. I really did miss you.

Xander: I mean who wouldn’t ;P

That made Elliot laugh. He could picture Xander’s face and tone, as well as the wink he’d definitely be doing.

Xander: But really, I’m so happy we ran into each other. You’re going to get so annoyed with me wanting to hang out with you all the time now.

Elliot: I’d never get annoyed with you.

Xander: Well OKAY but maybe your friend would if I monopolize all your time.

Xander: Wait.

Xander: Are you and Nikolai together?? Or is he just helping out as a friend?

Xander: Wait, wait, is that too invasive of a question??

Xander: Don’t tell me if you don’t want to!!

Elliot read the string of texts once and then twice. He knew what he should tell Xander, if only because he and Nikolai were trying to keep to a certain story, but thinking about typing it made him blush. For some reason the idea of writing it out to Xander made it feel more real.

Maybe because to Xander it would be.

For a moment Elliot fell into the fantasy of it. If all of this were real. The dates, the dinners, the evenings after…

If Nikolai actually touched him. Kissed him—

His face got hotter. What would it be like to have Nikolai kiss him? Hold him? What would it be like to be tucked in bed for the night with Apricot and Max and Sheep and Nikolai…

A jolt went down his whole body and Elliot swallowed hard.

Fuck, he shouldn’t be thinking about that.

Nikolai wasn’t actually interested in him.

He was kind, so utterly kind to Elliot, because Elliot was in a bad spot right now, but there was nothing beneath the surface of the dates they were going on.

That was all to lure Mattia back to the states.

Nikolai was too good for Elliot anyway. He was handsome and powerful and wealthy, with a devastating smile and a delightful sense of humor.

He had several successful businesses and close friends that he’d loved for twenty years.

What was Elliot to someone like that? Elliot, who was meek, who still jumped at shadows and flinched when Nikolai tried to reach out to offer comfort.

He made himself type a response.

Elliot: It's okay. And yeah, we’re… I guess you’d call it dating. We’re figuring things out?

That was a safe enough response, right? It didn’t commit to too much.

Eventually Elliot would have to take back this story, so he didn’t want to build too heavy on the lie.

Xander: I think figuring things out is a good place to be in, after everything you went through with your ex. Nikolai’s not pressuring you or anything, is he?

Elliot thought back to last night, when Elliot had confessed to his fear of more nightmares and Nikolai had picked up Max and had the bear kiss his cheek for comfort.

Elliot had startled, because the memory of what he’d done with Sheep the night before had been too close, and he’d felt like it was written all over his.

But Nikolai had backed off at the smallest amount of uncertainty. He’d quickly put the bear down and left right after. Elliot had laid there in bed swamped with conflicting guilt afterward, but now there was a sweetness in the memory.

Because Nikolai, time after time, was nothing like Mattia.

He was so gentle with Elliot, so careful every time Elliot was nervous or jumpy.

Elliot couldn’t imagine the man pressuring him.

Not Nikolai, who bought Elliot stuffed animals and then used them to kiss his healing bruises.

Not Nikolai, who fled the room at the thought that Elliot might be uncomfortable with him there.

No, that was the farthest thing from the truth.

Elliot: No. He’s not that type of person. He’s been really careful to make sure I feel safe and supported here.

Elliot: He’s been really kind to me.

***

In the days after having the conversation with Xander, Elliot couldn’t stop noticing Nikolai. Couldn’t stop his thoughts from wandering in the direction of what if this were real?

Despite Nikolai’s workload, they had every breakfast and dinner together, and when Nikolai was home, Elliot would bring him lunch.

They talked the most at dinner, Nikolai complimenting the meal and then asking Elliot for details about it.

The questions never seemed forced either—he would gently coax Elliot into talking and all Nikolai’s questions then were thoughtful, engaged, and relevant.

Sometimes he’d talk about his own day, usually complaining with humor about issues, or sharing fun or funny asides from Meredith or Gerard.

After dinner, they’d fallen into the habit of watching an episode or two of Checklists, and afterwards they’d relax on the couch together in quiet companionship.

Sometimes Elliot would read or play games on his phone, sometimes he’d go and get one of his puzzle books.

Nikolai would usually read himself or do some extra work, interspersed with texting Gerard and Meredith.

He’d share funny asides from those conversations with Elliot, making Elliot laugh.