Page 24 of Pistols and Plush Toys

“You’re, um, you’re welcome,” Elliot said.

“Here.” Nikolai nodded at the bag. “Is for you.”

Elliot approached the counter and peeked inside the bag. Then his eyes widened as he took in what was inside.

“You got me puzzle books?” He breathed as he started to pull them out.

There was a huge variety. A book of crosswords, another of cryptograms and word searches.

There were two sudoku books for varying skill levels, and a numeric and logic puzzle book.

All of them looked brand new and made for adults.

At the bottom of the bag was a fresh, unopened pack of mechanical pencils.

Elliot turned to Nikolai, hugging the pencils to his chest.

Nikolai rubbed the back of his neck. “I know you have puzzle book, but I’m thinking maybe you like other kinds? So you are not so much bored.”

“Thank you,” Elliot choked out. “Thank you so much.” The gift was shocking. Nikolai could have easily gotten Elliot a single sudoku or crossword book and called it a day. He didn’t have to do anything like this.

Elliot had gotten so, so many gifts from Mattia in the time they’d been together, but none of them had hit him like this.

None of them had felt so personal. So attuned to his interests.

Even when Mattia had bought Elliot cooking accoutrement, Mattia hadn’t consulted Elliot about the purchases. He’d picked those things out himself.

Puzzle books weren’t expensive, this was all probably under fifty dollars worth of books, but it still–

He bit his lip when he felt it wobble, and tore his gaze away. There was something wrong with him that a few puzzle books made him feel like he wanted to cry.

There was something wrong with him that he liked a gift from his kidnapper more than any gift he’d ever gotten from his boyfriend.

Nikolai cleared his throat. “You like?”

“Yeah,” Elliot said after swallowing. “Yes, this is—thank you. This is really great.”

“I’m not thinking you will be here to do so many puzzles,” Nikolai said, “But you can take them with you when you go, okay? Little gift from me.”

Just like that, Elliot’s stomach twisted unpleasantly again. Right. When he left.

To go back to Mattia.

He took a breath. Now was as good a time as any to ask.

“Um,” he started. “Actually I… I wanted to ask. About what you said earlier. A-about Mattia.”

Nikolai grimaced. “Which part?”

Elliot licked his lips. “About how he’s… killed people before. Is that… is that really true?”

He saw it on Nikolai's face before the man nodded. “Is true.”

It wasn’t any more devastating to hear the second time around. This time Elliot was only angry with himself that he’d been so blind. “Oh.”

Nikolai watched him silently as Elliot struggled to stay in control of himself. As he fought to ask his next question.

“Does he…” Elliot could only whisper it. “Does he hurt them first?”

Will he hurt me, first?

An emotion passed over Nikolai’s face that Elliot couldn’t name. Then Nikolai opened his mouth again. “Most times,” he said.

Elliot nodded, biting his lip. “Have… you? Killed someone?”

He watched in real time as Nikolai's face went blank. He looked suddenly exactly as he had the first time they’d met. Cold-blooded. Ruthless. Not the type of man who had gifted Elliot half a dozen puzzle books.

“Nevermind,” Elliot said quickly. “Sorry I–I wasn’t thinking. I–sorry—”

Nikolai held up a hand to stop the babbling, and Elliot couldn’t help the way he flinched back.

Nikolai dropped his hand, moving to instead cross his arms. “Is fine. You are here, and you know I make deals with Vitale family, who kill people.” Nikolai’s expression was still flat, but he met Elliot’s eyes. “Yes, I have killed before. A long time ago. I don’t do that anymore.”

“How long ago?” Elliot asked. He had no idea why he’d asked, what made him continue the questions, but there was an unevenness in Nikolai’s voice that spoke of pain, not—not victory or satisfaction, at having killed.

Maybe Elliot just wanted to know that if Nikolai did end up killing him too, there would be some remorse.

“Almost twenty-five years ago,” Nikolai said.

“Twenty-five…?” The amount of years was startling. Because— “Wait, how old are you?”

Nikolai let out an almost amused huff of air. “Forty-two.”

“You were seventeen?” Elliot gasped.

Nikolai looked away from him, jaw clenched. “My father… he is not good man. He want me to take over family business. Trained me.”

“Your father…?” Elliot said, horrified. This was not at all what he’d expected when he’d asked the question. “Your father made you kill someone?”

Nikolai's face spasmed. “He’s not making me. I did of my own–”

“But you were a child,” Elliot blurted out, because he couldn’t not. He knew his own face had to be doing something too, his expression conveying his horror. “You can’t believe–”

“I was not child.” Nikolai said sternly. “I was seventeen. I made my choice. Now I live with it.”

“What? No! What?” He was stuck on a loop, trying to grasp what Nikolai was saying. “Seventeen is–and if your dad was making you–” Elliot could barely get the words out he was so distressed. “How did it happen?”

He didn’t really want to know, but he felt like he needed to know.

Nikolai met his eyes again, apprehensive. “I’m not thinking it would be good to tell you.”

“You’ve already told me,” Elliot rushed to say. “And if you don’t tell me the details, I’ll—I’ll just fill them in myself and they’ll be twice as bad.”

Nikolai frowned again, his brows furrowing as he looked at Elliot. “You are not part of this world.”

“But I’m here,” Elliot said simply. Because it was true. “Would you tell me? Please?”

Nikolai held out for a moment longer, then he leaned back against the counter, pulling something out of his pocket to fiddle with.

It looked like a little piece of metal with a tiny hook at the end.

“I was seventeen,” he said again. “My father trained me growing up for the business. Hard things. Before my birthday, he gave me test. To see if I was ready.”

Nikolai paused, and for a second Elliot thought he might not continue.

Then, after a long moment, he said, “I wake up on my seventeenth birthday in basement of our house. I was in cage my father kept down there for–for business.” He swallowed and Elliot thought there must be a lot of things packed into that one word.

Business . “I was locked in with another man. He was older, maybe forties. Unconscious. Between us was gun. We were alone, but I understood. We were locked in. It was him or me.”

Elliot gasped, his hands coming up to his mouth. “Your dad locked you in a cage to–?”

Nikolai frowned down at the little piece of metal in his large hands.

“I’m think at first, maybe… maybe let him shoot me.

To sit and wait for that. It would be easy, then would be over.

” His voice was cold and flat, any emotion he might have had gone without a trace.

“I went and picked up gun. I knew this man worked for or against my father. He was not innocent, but maybe did not deserve death.”

“Oh my god,” Elliot whispered, still covering his mouth.

His vision was blurring, heart crumbling in his chest. “Oh my fucking god.” He couldn’t imagine a parent doing that to their child.

Putting them through some unimaginable trauma.

Elliot certainly wasn’t close to his dad or stepmom, and he barely even knew his half siblings, but he couldn’t conceive of his parents being so cruel.

Nikolai was silent and Elliot said what he couldn’t. “You shot him.”

Nikolai's head dipped. “Before he could wake up. I thought… maybe better, this way. If I had let him shoot me, my father would have killed him anyway. If I manage to convince this man so neither of us shoot, my father would still have killed him. He was in cage with me because my father say this man was meant for death.”

“Holy shit,” Elliot rasped. “That’s–that’s fucking horrible .” He couldn’t even imagine the pain that Nikolai must’ve gone through.

He could feel Nikolai's stare. “I—why you are crying?”

“Because that’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard .” Elliot almost shouted it. “I’m so—it hurts just to hear about it! What your dad did to you.”

“He is… not good man,” Nikolai said with a shrug. “But I’m make the decision.”

Sudden misdirected anger exploded out of Elliot.

“No! You were a child!” He pointed a finger at Nikolai, who had opened his mouth for rebuttal.

“No, no . Your dad–he made you do that. That’s not your fault.

” Tears were dripping down his cheeks but he couldn’t stop them or the words that kept bursting out of him.

“You didn’t have a better choice! You didn’t have any choice . ”

“I could have chosen not to.”

Elliot shook his head, losing his words. Nikolai looked startled, like he genuinely didn’t understand why anyone would be upset on his behalf.

Elliot angrily scrubbed a hand over his eyes, and then looked back over at Nikolai. “W-was that the only time?” He had to ask, but he was afraid to know. Afraid of what else Nikolai’s horrible father had made him do.

“Yes,” Nikolai said heavily. “I leave day I turn eighteen. My father… I do work for him, but he is not in my business.”

Elliot nodded, wiping at his eyes again because his tears kept falling. Poor Nikolai. Elliot’s stupid little problems were nothing compared to Nikolai’s fucked up childhood.

“I am… sorry for telling you,” Nikolai said.

“No—” Elliot’s voice was clogged, and he cleared his throat. “No, I asked you. I wanted to know. It–it helps, knowing that about you. About your dad. That you’re not like him. Or…” he swallowed. “Or like M-Mattia.”

Nikolai sighed, and tucked the piece of metal back into his pocket. “I’m not good man either. A woman almost died because Vitale is angry with me. People who work for me are in danger. I’m not knowing if I can fix what Vitale broke.”

Elliot sniffed and forced himself to breathe. When he thought his voice wouldn’t crack, he said quietly, “Will… will you tell me what Mattia did? Exactly?”

“Why?” Nikolai asked, sounding baffled.

Elliot made himself meet his eyes. “Because I want to know the kind of man I’ve been dating.”

Nikolai stared at him, and after a long moment, nodded.

Then he told Elliot everything that had happened in the last week.