Page 49 of Pistols and Plush Toys

Elliot had just… never been taken out like this. Certainly never touched like this, holding hands on a quiet evening. Everything was soft and careful, done without the expectation of more later.

Although part of it was possibly just the circumstances. Elliot knew nothing was going to happen later.

Because this wasn’t real.

It was still nice though. Nice to be touched and taken care of, without all the pressure. Even in the beginning with Mattia there’d been heavy expectations. Elliot had gone along with it, because it had been exciting.

Had it been exciting?

He tried to think again about those first few months.

It was hard to decipher now what that jittery feeling was.

He remembered the pressure more clearly, how badly he’d wanted to get everything right.

Mattia had been so much more than him, and he’d been clear about his standards.

About how often people fell beneath them.

Elliot had wanted to be the exception. He’d wanted to be good.

In the end, he was just like all the rest. Constantly failing Mattia.

“You okay?” Nikolai asked after a block of silence.

Elliot blinked away the direction his thoughts had taken. “Yeah, um, sorry. Just thinking.”

“About what?” Nikolai asked.

“This. Um, dating,” Elliot said.

“Yes?” Nikolai asked, tilting his head.

“I—I know this is… planned.” Elliot said quickly. He sighed. “I just… I can’t help thinking how it was never this easy with Mattia.”

“Never this easy?” Nikolai parroted.

“He’d take me to all of these fancy places, give me all these expensive gifts, but I never felt like…

” Elliot sagged. “It felt like it was all for something. Like he bought me all these nice things so I had to go where he wanted to go, and do what he wanted to do. There was always this—weight. Dragging me down.”

“What he’s expecting of you,” Nikolai said with understanding.

“Yeah! Yes, um, yes exactly.” Elliot shook his head. “It was like I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t have a different opinion. He never even let me choose the restaurants.”

“He is fool,” Nikolai said at once. “Your choices are best.”

Elliot smiled, ducking his head. It was so nice to be told that. To have someone say something positive about it.

“I guess I—I’m just realizing that maybe that was on purpose,” Elliot said after another moment.

“I tried so hard, but nothing ever made him happy. Things I knew he liked, he would hate the second I chose them. Nothing I did or said was ever right. It was always so, so hard. I thought–I thought it was my fault. That maybe I—I deserved it when he got upset, because I was the one messing up.”

“You were not deserving Vitale,” Nikolai said, scowling.

Elliot hiccuped a laugh. “I’m trying to tell myself that. Now, I mean.”

“Good,” Nikolai said emphatically, giving Elliot’s hand a squeeze.

Elliot glanced down at their joined hands. “So, yeah that’s… that’s what I was thinking about. That maybe dating… it doesn’t have to be hard?”

Nikolai hummed. “Is not hard being with people who love you in good way. For me, is not hard being with Gerard or Meredith. Men like Vitale, sounds like he’s changing rules when you learn them. Then what you do is never right.”

“Yeah,” Elliot said quietly. “Exactly.”

“My father was same,” Nikolai said, just as quietly, head tilted up to look at the dark sky. “Nothing I’m doing is right. I learn eventually is only one rule: he is right, I am wrong.”

Elliot swallowed. “Yeah.”

“Is part of keeping you, taking your power. Is hard to see it when is happening. When I’m leaving Russia, suddenly I’m feeling like I can breathe. Before, in Russia, I’m not knowing I was in pain.”

“Yeah.” Elliot stared at the sidewalk.

Nikolai squeezed his hand again. “American’s big on therapy,” Nikolai said, the words startling. “I go when I’m younger. Was helpful. Maybe is not bad thing for you to try?”

“You went to therapy?” Elliot asked. He hadn’t been expecting that at all. Nikolai was so strong. He had an untouchable quality to him.

But Nikolai also had cigarette burn scars dotting both of his arms. He carried lockpicks on him at all times to help him feel safe. Nikolai had his own traumas. Elliot was glad to know he’d been to therapy, if it had helped him.

“Yes,” Nikolai said solemnly. “At start, I’m no good friend to Gerard or Meredith. Very angry, very upset about little things going wrong. Was like my father, always angry. Meredith, she is saying she’s quit if I’m not going. So I go.”

“Wow,” Elliot said, once again impressed by Meredith’s power. “She really made you go to therapy?”

Nikolai chuckled. “Oh yes. Gerard, he’s saying she is right, and then is two against one, so I go. So I’m not being angry anymore. Not like my father.”

“I’m glad that helped you,” Elliot said with feeling.

“Me too,” Nikolai said. “Meredith stay and Gerard stay, and now we are successful business. Is no longer heavy. It is easy, these relationships.”

“I think that’s… how it’s supposed to be,” Elliot said. “Easy.”

They were nearing the theater now, the shimmering lights just ahead.

“Is nice,” Nikolai said. “Simple things are best, yes?”

Their eyes met and Elliot felt a throb in his chest. “Yeah,” he said.

Nikolai smiled at him and pulled him to a gentle stop outside the theater. The theater marquee above was casting an orange blanket of light on them. In just his crisp white button up, Nikolai looked like a silver screen leading man the way the light was hitting him.

“I’m glad you are not… disliking this,” Nikolai said, gazing down at Elliot.

For some reason, the memory of the other night flashed through Elliot’s mind. Nikolai sitting beside him in the dark bedroom, Sheep nuzzling his palm as Nikolai tried to comfort him.

Fierce heat crawled up the back of Elliot’s neck. “I hope you aren’t either?”

They looked at each other, and for a second Elliot could almost imagine Nikolai bending down. Kissing his cheek. In a movie, this would be the moment.

But this wasn’t a movie. This wasn’t even a real date.

“I’m not,” Nikolai said, the edge of his mouth curling into another smile. “You are easy to be with, Elliot.”

It hit Elliot like a well-notched arrow, and when Nikolai then prompted him forward by the hand on his back, Elliot fairly floated into the theatre.

***

That night, after Elliot had gotten ready for bed, Nikolai knocked on his door.

“Come in,” Elliot called from where he was settled in bed, Apricot in his lap and Sheep and Max on either side of him. He’d been contemplating doing a puzzle game on his phone to wind down for the night, but he—

He was happy to see Nikolai again before he turned in instead.

When Nikolai walked into the room, he had an uncertain expression on his face. “I’m knowing I wish you good night already, but I’m… wanting to say it again.”

“Thank you,” Elliot said, feeling shy. Especially so dressed down, in his dimly lit bedroom. It felt intimate, talking to Nikolai this way. “I had a really nice time.”

“Me too,” Nikolai said. He took a breath, eyes lowering to catch sight of Elliot surrounded by his stuffed animals. “I’m hoping you sleep better tonight. That you dream of nicer things.”

“I hope so too,” Elliot said. “I’d like it if—” he stopped, eyes wide.

If I dreamed of tonight instead.

Oh no. Oh no, that was… that was such a bad thought to have.

“What would you like?” Nikolai asked, coming closer to the bed where Elliot was tucked up. Oh no, he was so handsome. Elliot had always known it, even in the beginning. His blue eyes were focused now, focused on Elliot. “We can do next time.”

“I’d like it if I could dream of the dinner we had,” Elliot said in a rush. “The pasta was delicious, and I don’t think I’ve had better minestrone soup.”

Nikolai chuckled, sounding fond. “Way to your heart is with food.”

Elliot flushed. The way to his heart.

But to Nikolai, the date had been pretend. Even while he’d held Elliot’s hand, comforted Elliot in the restaurant and on the walk to the theater, the date itself wasn’t real.

It was just to bait Mattia.

“Do you think any of Mattia's men were watching us?” Elliot asked as Nikolai perched at the end of his bed. As Elliot tried not to react to Nikolai that close.

“I’m not knowing,” Nikolai said. “Gerard does not think he has many men left.”

“Oh,” Elliot said. “Then… do you think the dating idea won’t work?”

Nikolai shook his head. “I’m thinking it will work best of any plan we have.” He smiled. “But I’m will keep you safe, I promise.”

“I’m not worried about me,” Elliot said, rubbing his shoulder. “I-I’m worried about you. Or Gerard, or—”

Nikolai reached out and Elliot froze, but Nikolai immediately changed direction and plucked up Sheep instead. He nuzzled Sheep up against Elliot’s bare arm and Elliot’s whole body fluttered.

“You should not worry,” Nikolai murmured. Sheep trailed up to Elliot’s shoulder and then back down all the way to his fingertips. “I am strong, Gerard is strong, and I have many men, more men than Vitale.”

“I understand, I just–” Elliot shivered as Sheep stroked across the back of his knuckles. He uncurled his hand so its muzzle could press plushy kisses to his palm. “In my nightmares he comes here and hurts you and it’s all my fault.”

Nikolai made a soft sound. “Is not your fault. Look, see? I’m not hurt. Is okay.”

Elliot’s fingers curled around Sheep’s face. “Will I–” Elliot hesitated, the question squeezing his heart. “Will I ever not feel afraid?”

“Yes,” Nikolai said. “I’m used to worry about my father coming to America, forcing me back to Russia.

Big fear. But eventually it went away. With friends, with time, with therapy.

You move forward, then it has been twenty years.

Maybe you are still afraid of things, but I say before, you are brave.

Life is not about being fearless, is about moving forward even if you’re afraid. ”