Page 6

NOEL

There's a knock on my door as I'm sitting at my desk working on last-minute homework for school tomorrow.

“Come in,” I say, not looking up from the math equation.

Mom walks in holding a plate of food that smells delicious. “Dinner is served!” She places the plate of chicken and mashed potatoes on my desk, and I give her a smile.

“Thanks, Mom. I'm just busy trying to finish this up. We can watch TV together in a little while.”

“No worries, baby. I've actually got plans tonight I wanted to talk to you about.”

I turn my full attention to her and notice her clothes. She's in a black dress with her hair pinned back, make-up on her face, and a big, bright smile on her red lips.

“You look beautiful,” I tell her, and she blushes, eyes crinkling at the sides.

“Yeah?”

“You're always beautiful, though.” I shrug.

“You're too sweet to me, Nono.” She places a warm hand on my cheek for a quick second before dropping it.

“So where are you going?” I ask, thinking she might be going on a date, but she doesn't do that stuff. Or she hasn't before. Once upon a time she dated this guy, who got her pregnant and dipped. I don't have a relationship with my dad. He's a deadbeat. I don't care to know him or spend time getting to know him. It's always just been me and Mom, and I love that. We're really close, and I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Mom is all I need.

“Just going to dinner with friends from work. It's been a rough week, so we're all getting dolled up for drinks and good food. I'll probably be home late. Not anything out of the ordinary for you, but I don't want you to worry. Is that okay?”

“Of course it's fine. Go have fun. I'll just be doing homework.”

“Yes, yes. I know. Try to get some sleep, okay? School isn't everything. Maybe you should text a friend from school and have them over? Like a study thing?”

“Why would I do that?” I laugh at the absurdity. What is she trying to do?

“Just… you're alone too much. I worry about you.”

“You don't have to worry. I'm doing great.”

“I know, you're so smart, and you make me so proud, baby, but are you having any fun?” She asks hesitantly. I can feel my head tilt, unsure of what she means. “Your teammates look nice. Maybe we can invite them over for dinner one day soon?”

Grabbing my dinner plate, I pick up my fork and dig into the mashed potatoes, not exactly avoiding the question but not answering right away.

“Nono? Are they your friends?”

And there's the big question.

The reason why I joined the team in the first place.

Friends aren't easy for me to make, and my mom knows this. Which is why I became a Knight and started fencing. It was my way of placating her—to get her to stop worrying so much about me.

I can't say I've made friends, but I do enjoy the sport.

I swallow down a big bite of chicken before looking back at her. “Yeah. They're cool.”

She looks relieved. “That's good.” Her cell phone sings with a text message. "Alright, I've got to head out. Call me if you need anything. Love you.” She leans down and places a soft kiss on my cheek.

“Love you too. Be safe.”

“You too.” With one last smile, she shuts my door, and I'm alone.

I finish my food as I work through my homework quickly, wanting to be done with it all for tonight. I have plans.

Well, kind of.

Stargazing isn't exactly something I can be late to; I just want to be outside and enjoy the night for a little while. It's Sunday, so I don't want to stay up too late.

After finishing my dinner, I change into an extra-large hoodie, my green puffer jacket, baggy sweats, and my converse that I don't mind getting dirty since I'll be walking a few blocks.

I grab my spare backpack and neatly place a blanket, flashlight, and my water bottle inside. My telescope is next, but it's in its own case with a handle for easy transport.

Right before I leave, I remember to grab my cell phone from my desk.

It lights up with a text as I'm on my way out, and it surprises me when I see all the names.

Ace- Why don't I get mandatory fencing practice with anyone?! Coach Sarah has a favoritism problem.

Grady- Your ass doesn't need practice. You're the best on the team.

Levi- You know I'm also in the chat, dick face.

Alex- Jealous? can't help that Coach loves me most

Levi- She wants to tame you, that's why she set you up with Noel. You're too fuckin wild.

Alex- It's cause I'm a Sagittarius

Ace - Stargazer! What's your zodiac?? I bet you know all about that stuff.

I had their numbers saved against my will from when I first joined the team, but never been in a group chat before. Alex's is new though. Why did I get added to this? I make my way down the street, heading to my destination while I stare at my phone.

I don't really know what to say. Astronomy and Astrology are two very different things, and I’m not sure why it matters, but I look up what sign I am just to shut them up.

Noel- I'm a Scorpio.

Ace- That explains so much.

Levi- You know that shit isn't accurate, right?

Grady- My mom's a Taurus, and it seems pretty solid. All the characteristics fit her to a T.

Ace- Anyway, Stargazer! What you up to tonight??

I blink down at my phone. It's Sunday. We have school tomorrow. What is he trying to do? I don't really know how to feel about being part of this chat, but I text back.

Noel- Take a guess.

Ace- Ooohhhh okay! Watching a movie?

Grady- Doing homework?

Levi- Why are we guessing what he's doing?

Alex- Stargazing.

It's so stupid, but my stomach flips. All because Alex guessed correctly.

Ace- Is that what you're doing?

Noel- Alex guessed it.

Ace- Want some company??

Noel- No, thanks.

Noel- Sorry, it's something I do alone .

Grady- That's deep, bro. I dig it.

Levi- See you idiots tomorrow at practice.

Ace- Okay! Xoxo! Maybe one day you'll take us all with you *smiley face*

When I reach the open field, I put away my cell phone. Talking to them is still weird to me.

My mom's voice rings in my ears, “ Nono, are they your friends?”

I'm so used to being alone in everything I do that it's an adjustment to have people speak to me so casually.

Like friends do.

Placing my backpack down and spreading my blanket out, I get comfortable before setting up my telescope. I get lost in the beauty of the universe, as I always do when I’m stargazing.

However, tonight feels lonelier for some reason.

The text messages from my teammates are heavy on my mind. I don’t know why, but all of a sudden, I feel like I’m missing out on something.

I’m a senior, about to be officially done with Knight's Valor Academy, so why am I feeling like this?

Like, I maybe… want to make friends. Or really, just a friend.

Maybe I could try? Like what my mom has been asking for me to do?

They seem alright, I suppose. Ace is nice and fills up our interactions with his babbling, but it’s a good thing since I don’t talk all that much. And Grady, he has a big smile and genuinely cares about what I have to say the few times I've talked to him. Every time we’ve had to chat has been pleasant. I don’t really know about Levi, although he seems to always be there, a heavy presence beside Ace, like an overbearing shadow.

And then there’s Alex.

I’m not exactly sure what I want from him.

I have the rest of senior year to figure it out, though.

But in the meantime, I’ll do what I’ve always done.

Enjoy my solitude and stargaze.

On Monday, after my last class of the day, I headed to the fencing building with my bag hiked on my shoulder.

“Noel!”

I turn around and spot Ace running behind me to catch up. His uniform is wrinkled at the collar, and his tie is loosely hanging around his neck.

There was a time back when I first started school here that uniforms were not a thing. Kids wore their own clothes to school, and I would get picked on for my thrifted shirts and pants. When Knight's Valor Academy introduced uniforms, I was secretly pleased. They're black with dark blue and small lime green details on the breast pocket of a knight riding a horse into battle, and waving a sword. The tie is blue with a thin lime green stripe down the middle, but they're optional. I like the structure of it all, the equality of it.

“I missed you at lunch,” Ace says, disappointed. “Where were you?” Ace seems to be worried, giving me a sad pout.

“I had to work on some things for my Astronomy assignment in the library. I ate there.”

“Bummer. I brought us chocolate muffins for dessert! I saved yours though. Here.” He reaches into his bag, pulling out a small, pink wrapper.

I take it from his open palm graciously. “Thank you.”

“Of course! So how are things? How was stargazing last night?”

We make it to the fencing building, going inside and straight to the locker room.

“Relaxing.”

He smiles prettily, like he's genuinely interested in what I say. “I bet. The stars are really beautiful, aren't they? I remember one time I went on this date with a guy that took me to a concert at night, and by the end of it we were in some field, drunk as shit, staring up at the sky. I felt so small. Like, we're literally just so small compared to space. It's so freaky.”

His little rambling makes me grin. “I know what you mean. Immensity. Something so large you can't really comprehend it. That feeling of being small is common when looking at the stars. There's this quote I really love, ' If people looked at the stars each night, they’d live a lot differently.' It makes you think about the things that matter. The people you love, things that bring you happiness. Life is such a fleeting, short thing and we should just… live, you know?”

Ace stares at me without saying anything. His attention seems more introspective and thoughtful, so that's good. Nodding, he breaks into a smile. “I love that.”

“Sorry, I was rambling a little,” I say as a shy smile tugs at my lips, a hand roughly shoving into my hair. “You asked about stargazing, and I got a little obsessive.”

“No! I love it! Please continue to do so.”

We're interrupted from our conversation when Alex strolls into the locker room unbuckling his pants and pulling up his shirt all before reaching his locker. I look down the second he tugs the shirt up over his stomach, feeling my cheeks heat as I think about the way he answered the door when I came over. I think I see something on his side, but Alex tugs his shirt down fully before I can look up.

“Hi, Alex!” Ace greets him after getting his own breeches on, still shirtless.

Alex glances over and grins, but it looks evil. “Your little boytoy did quite the number on you. What's Levi got to say about that?”

Ace doesn't move. I watch his color change to a deep red in his cheeks, touching a spot on his neck. “You already know he doesn't care,” he mumbles, blowing out a frustrated breath.

Alex scoffs. “C'mon, you can do better than that. Make him care.” He changes into fencing gear quickly, all the while Ace stares off into space, taking what Alex said into consideration, I guess. Whatever it is they're talking about.

If Levi and Grady weren't already practicing in the fencing area, they wouldn't be speaking so openly.

“How do I do that?” Ace asks quietly, hands in his hips. Alex finishes lacing up his blue and black sneakers before responding with a glare.

“You’ll figure it out.” Then he stands up and leaves the locker room.

I blink at Ace, who looks two seconds away from crying. He turns to me, giving me a wobbly smile. “C'mon, let's go fence!”

I reach out and pat his shoulder. I'm not very good at deciphering emotions, and I'm even worse at comforting people. “Do you want to partner up with me?”

His eyes light up. “Yeah!”

We meet up with the others on the mat.

After we're all present, Coach Sarah tells us about our upcoming competition with the Vikings, our rival school. They’re the only other school with a fencing team.

“I want you all busting your butts with practice! You all have what it takes, but you all are lacking focus and discipline. Find that something that will take you to the next level! Ace!” Coach storms across the tiny room, bellowing loudly at us.

Ace jumps. “Yes, coach!”

“Your scores would be higher if you'd focus on your opponents! You're always thinking about something else when you're in a bout. I need you to get in the zone! Focus, focus, focus. ”

“Yeah, I guess I do kind of get distracted…” He looks at his feet sheepishly.

Coach Sarah points a finger at Levi. “Same goes for you. You're lacking a key ingredient that could push you past your limits. Practice more. Figure out what it is.”

Levi scowls.

I glance at Alex, who's standing off to the side of the mat with a gleeful expression, waiting his turn.

“Grady!” She spins on him next. “You don't take this sport seriously. We are not a joke. If you don't give a shit about fencing, then get off the team. Yes, it’s high school fencing, but others take this seriously.”

Grady has the sense to look ashamed by her observation and apologizes immediately. “I'm sorry, Coach Sarah. You're right. I'll be better.”

She nods before moving on to me.

“Noel. You just need to practice more. You don't have a lot of experience. You're still a newbie, but I like your drive. I've already assigned you and Alex some practices together because I think you both can take something from each other. Stay on track, and you'll see improvement. I want to end the season on a positive note, especially for you seniors.”

I nod at her and focus on the last person on her list. Alex. He watches her with a condescending smile. “My turn?”

She levels him with a harsh glare. “And Alex, you're also lacking focus. However, I believe Noel can help you with that. Keep it up, you two, and you'll both improve. Senior year is meant to be fun, but I want you all to work harder. Make your coach proud.” With that, she walks off the mats, towards the younger teammates.

“Let's get started!”

The first match is me against Ace while the others watch and critique.

Ace beats me embarrassingly fast, which isn’t surprising. He really is an incredible fencer who could take this sport further if he wanted to, especially in college. He's short and small, but none of that matters in fencing. He's fast and flexible, but when Levi is his opponent, it's like he's a completely different fencer.

Coach comes back to look over our bouts with a clipboard in her hand.

The next match is Levi vs Ace, and Ace’s hesitation in attacks is what makes him lose. It's as if he's holding back on purpose.

Levi lunges, his foil making a direct hit to Ace's torso, bending the foil into an arch.

Ace could easily parry the attack, but he doesn't.

Coach Sarah drops her clipboard, and it smacks the floor with a slap, all her little notes flying away. She glares at him before walking back to her office. “Why do I even try?”

Alex snorts, eyes on their bout. “Idiot.”

They both remove their masks. Ace moves to get off the mat but is stopped when Levi throws his foil down at his feet. Ace flinches back.

“Stop fucking doing that!” Levi's deep voice makes all of us freeze.

Ace blubbers out an apology. “I-I'm sorry! I don't know what happened!”

Levi walks right up to him, snarling in his face. “Yes, you fucking do. Don't lie to me.”

Ace shrinks back, cheeks flooded red, the green of his eyes glassy. Grady steps forward to get in between them, but Levi steps away and storms off the mat. Ace lets out a sob, and the rainworks start, tears falling down his puffy cheeks. Grady pulls him into a hug.

“I d-don’t know why I keep doing that,” he chokes out, barely audible.

“It's okay, Ace.” Grady hugs him even tighter. “You're too sweet, you know that? Why can't you like someone who's sweet like you, hmm?”

Ace pouts, tugging at Grady's braid at the back of his head. It looks like a comforting gesture, as if they're close friends and do this often. “Cause I like 'em mean, I guess?” he chokes out, a wobbly smile forming on his pouty lips.

Grady chuckles. “Yeah, you do. Mean fuckers that should get their asses kicked for making you cry.”

“It's my fault though,” he grumbles into Grady's vest.

I turn my head to see what Alex thinks of this, but he isn't watching them at all. His eyes are on me. Tilting his head, he stares at me, smirking at my apparent confusion.

“Are you not following along?” he asks. “Want me to break it down?” Embarrassment makes my face heat up at being called out for my inability to comprehend the situation. “Ace likes Levi, but Levi has a girlfriend. Ace does this thing where he purposely lets Levi win against him because of love,” he says the word mockingly, chuckling under his breath.

“Oh.”

“ The path to true love never did run smooth,” he quotes blandly.

Grady and Ace break apart from their hug and join us.

“We heard that jackass,” Grady says to Alex. Ace looks sheepish, rubbing at his wrist.

“Are you okay?” I ask. Ace looks up and smiles.

“I'll be okay! Nothing a little hanging out with friends won't fix. You guys want to join? Grady and I are going to Clovers for coffee.”

Alex is already walking away, back to the lockers, a clear refusal to that question.

“I'm sorry, I actually need to study some more for my test. Maybe next time?” I say just to make him feel a little less like I'm outright refusing him.

“Promise?” He holds out a fist for me to bump.

I stare at his fist, thinking about last night. Maybe I should try and make a friend.

“Yeah. Next time,” I promise, fist bumping back with a sure nod, and this time, I mean it.

ALEX

A driver gets me from the airport when I arrive in California after a long day of flying and I already miss the little town in Vermont I've gotten used to. I sling my bag over my shoulder and walk towards my name.

When the driver acknowledges me, he nods, and I follow him to the car. “Mr. Madison will see you tonight at the party. Your suit is in your room, sir. I’ll be driving you tomorrow morning back to the airport for departure.”

“Super.”

“I’m sure your father just wants you back at school quickly.”

I look at the driver in the rearview mirror, my mood sour. “Sure.”

A guilty glance up, and then he drives us to the beachfront property my father owns. I’m meant to make him look good and be a pretty distraction, passed around from one business mogul to the next, speak about where I attend private school, sugar coating my life like I'm not dead inside. The usual.

It feels weird to be back here after leaving so suddenly.

I head to my room immediately after arriving, bypassing the hired staff for the event. It’s some kind of game-night theme. There’s a roulette table, red and black flowers on every surface, and a large ice sculpture of a joker card in the middle of a food spread.

I grab some sushi that’s spread out like a smorgasbord since I haven't had any food since the flight, dipping it in a tiny bowl of special sauce. Fucking delicious, as expected. Father always hires the best of the best for his parties.

The event will be starting soon, and I know I need to get dressed, so I make my way up the endless staircase to my bedroom. Guestroom, now I suppose. The suit laid out for me is black with red details. A perfect match to the night's theme. I change methodically, needing this night to be over quickly. I’m getting my tie situated around my neck when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket with a call. I reach for it and almost drop it when I see who it is.

“Hello?” I answer carefully. Hesitantly.

“Alex?” The voice asks, small and barely recognizable.

I blink in shock. “Noel?”

“Um… I just… Ace told me you left and I just… Well, I thought I’d be practicing, you see–”

I interrupt his rambling with a huff of disbelief. “I’ll be back tomorrow night.”

He exhales into the phone, relieved. “Oh. That’s good.”

“Is it?” I chuckle, amusement laced in my question as I tug at my sleeves, my phone propped on my shoulder.

“I wanted to practice… and you weren’t here at school–”

“You were worried about me,” I cut him off with a teasing lilt. “How sweet.”

He makes a choked noise. “I was not!”

“Gotten used to our practices already, huh? One time and you’re hooked.”

“You’re so annoying.”

“You missed me,” I tease lightly.

He doesn't say anything back, and my stomach tightens. “Do you miss me?” I ask seriously, all jokes aside, curious at his silence.

“I… I’ll see you at school, Alex.” He hangs up and I stare at my phone for a long moment afterwards with a strange fluttering in my gut. I bring shaky hands up to my undone tie, knotting it appropriately. A hint of a smile makes my lips turn up. I bring a palm up and cover my mouth, wiping the expression away. I try not to think about what this means for Noel to be calling me.

I finish getting ready and head downstairs into the party, where guests are starting to arrive looking like it’s the Goddamn Oscars. I take a drink from one of the staff holding a tray, watching the crowd of guests mingle with other rich assholes.

A soft melody plays in the background of bland elevator music.

I stay somewhat hidden behind a vase of red flowers as I people watch when a cold shiver erupts down my neck, sensing someone at my back. I take a deep breath and turn around, knowing who it is already.

“Alexander,” My father greets me cordially.

I acknowledge him with a nod. “Father.”

“The suit looks good.”

He chose the same color suit to wear tonight, and I want to gag, but hold back my usual remarks where I roll my eyes and say something snarky. We’re in public, which means I can’t really get away with being a dick. And I’m not in the mood to test his limits tonight.

He stands beside me as we both drink from our glasses.

“Are you behaving in school?”

“Define behaving, ” I say before I can reign in my stupid mouth.

He sighs and lets loose a chuckle that is anything but genuine laughter. My hand trembles as I take a large gulp of the alcoholic beverage that I shouldn’t be drinking.

“You still haven’t learned when to keep your mouth shut, have you, boy?”

I smile even though my hands are shaking. “I might have gotten that bit from Sophia; I hear her mouth is open for just about everyone.”

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

His head turns, and the expression on his face turns my blood to ice. His hands pull at the lapels on his jacket. “She was clever with her tongue, too.”

I stiffen at the innuendo. He doesn't speak this way often. It's rare. It makes my hands shake with rage. They're both so disgusting.

“Enjoy the evening, Alexander,” he says smoothly, walking away. “And greet my guests cordially.”

I laugh to myself, a hollow, pathetic sound, knowing that in a few short hours, he’s going to beat the shit out of me.

Worth it.

After the last of the guests leave, I hesitate in the kitchen area, waiting for him to come to me.

He always does.

I feel his presence before I hear him come around the corner, undoing his tie. He sighs deeply, hands going into his pockets.

“You did well tonight.”

I lean against the counter. “I'm doing what you asked of me. Obeying your rules.”

He squints, not saying anything back. After an awkward silence, I push off from the counter, walking towards the stairs.

I'm shoved against a wall in the main hallway, his forearm pushing my back into it with an angry grunt.

“You will do as I say. I am allowing you to live with Sophia because I respect your wish for space.” He sighs. “Things got out of hand last time. You made me quite angry. I understand being a teenager is hard; you're busy with schoolwork and friends, planning for the future I laid out for you, but if you step out of line and disobey any of my commands, I will cut you off and force you to move back here. Now repeat after me: Thank you, Father.”

My jaw clenches. “Thank you, Father,” I speak through my teeth.

He lets me go with a pat to my cheek. “Very good.”

My breathing has picked up, anxious at not knowing if he'll strike. When he'll strike. It's almost like a game to him, I think. When the mood strikes, so does he. I don't have to wait long for it. All I have to do is lift my lips into a cruel smile, and he's backhanding me. It's better to speed up the agonizing wait time and get it over with.

The driver drops me off at LAX at five in the morning.

I slept most of the way home on the plane, only waking up to take Ibuprofen for the pain in my face and to eat lunch.

When I get back, the first thing I do is make coffee while reading the latest chapter in my manga series on my phone.

The house is quiet, as usual. I cook and clean myself. Well, the cleaning is mostly done once a month by a cleaning crew, but the simple stuff is all up to me.

I’m alone ninety percent of the time, especially with Sophia taking these long ass trips to be away from me.

Which is another reason I joined the fencing team when I moved back here.

I need some kind of human interaction after all.

While I’m scrolling down to the next chapter of Dreamkills , I get a text. I ignore the two from Ace and go straight to Noel.

Stargazer: Have you gotten home safe?

I blink down at the message, my breath hitching at the meaning of his words. He’s checking on me. I chuckle softly, squeezing the phone in my fist. I stare down at the message while figuring out what to say back.

I end up with, Yes. I’ll see you in school tomorrow.

It’s simple and doesn’t convey what I’m feeling at all, but what can I do? Hey, Noel, you’re the only one who cares. Thanks for that.

Stargazer: Good .

Suppressing a smile at the one word reply like a pathetic fool, I finish my coffee and head to my room to draw. I put my headphones on, using my phone to listen to a playlist while I start on a new drawing. A blank sheet of paper soon turns into a rough sketch of an anime character. He’s tall and muscular, with long black hair done up in a half ponytail. When I finish it, I crack my neck and get up, wanting to stretch out and loosen my limbs. My eyes catch on the face mask that’s on the floor.

Fencing doesn’t sound too awful right now.

It's late and I should be sleeping, but the silence of being alone in this large house is making me restless, and I have been flying all day.

I don’t get fully dressed, only throw on my tight black stirrups, socks, and sneakers. My chest is bare and unprotected, but it’s not like I’ll stab myself . I forgo wearing my mask and vest, only wanting to practice my lunges and footwork.

I step into the mirrored room, make sure the sound system is on, and select my choice of music before I get into place on the mat I made in the middle of the large room. Lunging forward, my foil straight in front of me, I watch myself, critiquing my movements in the wall mirror. Pretending I’m up against an imaginary opponent. I mess around with a hanging ball that helps with aim for a while, then switch to leg workouts.

The speakers are blaring, drums and screaming, and guitar riffs giving me the drive to push myself out of my mind.

I’m alone, and there’s no one to hear my heavy panting breaths or the way my sneakers squeak against the floor. No one here to care that my fucking face hurts from the hits I had to take from Sylas Madison, a good man in the public's eye but a monster in mine. There's no one to care that my ribs are sore and I’m sporting ugly bruises over my body that are most definitely not from fencing.

I’m always fucking alone, and I hate it. This feeling that I'm not good enough, that I'm worthless regardless of what I accomplish. It doesn’t mean anything when no one gives a fuck.

What would it be like to have my father look at me like I’m his son and not resent that fact? Just once, give me an affectionate touch like a real family. A fucking hug. Is that too much to ask for? Or a mother that doesn't insist on me calling her by her first name and actually wants to be here with me instead of fucking off for weeks at a time.

“You’re a disappointment, Alexander,” my father would tell me like it was his daily mantra.

“Thanks for ruining my life,” Sophia grumbled under her breath when I was eight years old.

Grief stabs me like a sword through the gut. Grief for a family that could have been, but life gave me two of the worst people to be my parents. I grieve for all the what ifs.

“Fuck …” My ragged whisper is lost in the heavy bass reverberating in the room. Sweat beads on my forehead, on the back of my neck. In the mirror, I watch my reflection, my torso heaving with breaths, my chest and abdominals glistening with sweat.

I've been at it for a while, so I finally sit down, laying on my back like a starfish. I close my eyes and sing along to the song that’s playing. Get lost in the music for a little while so I don’t do something dumb again. I bring a hand up to my side, rubbing over an area high on my ribcage, a memory sparking in my mind that takes my breath away.

Eventually, I get up off the floor and take my meds.