Page 13

ALEX

I can't do this anymore.

I'm cruel.

Fucked up.

I deserve his hate. I deserve to feel the guilt and pain he's going to throw at me with this revelation.

But I can't keep up with this lie anymore. I don't want to. Noel doesn't deserve that. He never did… But after tonight, after he kissed me, something changed. He cares for me, and I can't pretend I don't know who he is anymore.

“You hate me because you think I don't remember you.” I start talking, breathing in deeply. I lower my voice into a whisper. “Noel, you think I could ever forget that face?”

He stays still, eyes widening. “Why did you lie? Why did you pretend not to know who I am?” His voice picks up, louder and louder. Anger then. Not the first reaction I expected from him. I thought for sure he'd start crying before this stage.

With my legs spread wide, I sit back down on my bed and pretend that everything is perfectly fine and that I'm not a fucked-up piece of shit. “I played it off like I didn't remember you because I didn't want to.”

Noel looks down at me, horrified. He takes a step back. “Why would you–”

“It wasn't that serious. I didn't think our time together meant so much to you. Hell, it was just a school project we did together for a month,” I lie, instead of saying what I really want to say.

Noel's eyes well up with tears as he takes a sharp breath through his nose. “Don't say that to me. Don't you say that to me. How could you do something so cruel?” He whispers, broken and devastated.

Shit. I was not prepared for this. My gut twists up, and it feels like knives are being plunged into my stomach.

“Why?” I laugh bitterly to cover up my inner turmoil. I shrug, but it feels all sorts of wrong. I know what that night meant to him. What it still means to him.

Because I feel the same way.

Inside, I'm freaking the hell out, but you'd never know it. I don't mean what I'm saying. I just can't explain myself to him or tell him the truth.

I can't even face my own truth.

Fuck, he looks like I'm killing him. Like his chest is flayed open, exposed to my foil that's repeatedly jabbing at his vital organs.

“Why are you so silent? Will you not explain yourself? You're... you’re horrible for doing this to me. What the fuck, Alex ?” He stares, looking down at me, hands running over and over again through dark hair. “All this time you've known who I was? Every time we’ve talked and hung out, you were just lying to me? Was it funny? This whole time, was I just a joke to you? You were my best fucking friend!” He screams at me, and yeah, I feel like I've been hit by a car. “Did I mean nothing to you? Did you even like me back then? Or was I just a kid to do a project with?”

I clench my jaw and refuse to answer him as shame, guilt, and regret wash over me in a wave of dispair.

With an incredulous laugh, he huffs and clenches his fists, pulling at the strands so hard that I fear they will tear from his scalp. He looks half crazy. “You're a terrified little boy that can't accept true friendship from someone who genuinely gave a fuck about you. And I would have given you everything you ever wanted. Anything you needed. But yet you chose to leave and never contact me again as if I were nothing. I wasn't ever your friend, was I?”

Noel gives me a long, devastated look, and it haunts me. My body turns cold, and the air is sucked from my lungs.

Everything is ruined.

I broke the trust and friendship we were just starting to develop since I came back, and I broke his heart. I messed up. I never should have lied to him. He thinks what we had was nothing. As if he wasn't ever my friend. God, that's so far from the truth.

“Noel—”

He turns away and runs to the door, throwing it open.

“Noel!” I jump up and race towards him. He's already at the end of the hallway, but I reach him before he can turn around. “I don’t know how to explain—”

He pushes me hard, and I topple backwards, falling on my ass.

He towers over me with a dark, menacing look. “Fuck you! I feel so stupid! I never want to see you again.” Noel turns away, and I stare at the back of his retreating form, unable to comprehend what the hell I'm going to do to fix this.

I don't want him to be angry with me. I can't have him hate me. I just can't. What do I do, what do I do, what do I— “I did it because you mean too much to me!” I yell out.

Noel pauses mid-step. Not turning around, but at least he's listening. That's all I need. An opening. He just needs to understand... I'm finally done pretending he doesn't mean anything to me. Keeping him at arm's length is hard . I stay on the floor, showing just how pathetic I truly am, needing him to know how sorry I am without saying the words. I rise to my knees but stay down. I can't be on his level right now. I know what I did was wrong and stupid.

“The look in your eyes that first day in fencing club… it scared me. When you took off the mask, I couldn't breathe. I was terrified. I could see so clearly what I meant to you. And I couldn't handle that. I played it off like I didn't know you. I kept up with the lie every time I saw you, even though I knew you were upset because I didn't ‘remember’ you; I just… wanted your attention on me. I wanted to be near you, but also keep my distance, because I knew if I let myself give in, I'd…” I trail off with an embarrassing swallow. “I'd end up needing you like when we were kids. It was so hard leaving you behind. I shut you out after I had to move… and that's on me. I just—” I wipe my eyes with my palm. “I was going through so much shit and I felt so weak, that I thought it'd be best to just let you go…”

Noel drops his shoulders in defeat. He must understand it now. It's not anything like he thought. It was about what I was going through. It was never something he did wrong, not at all.

“I had to move. There was… something that happened. Shit, there was so much happening at that time with my parents. I was drowning in my misery. I fucking sank . I hated everything. I wanted to fuckin’ die.” He flinches with an audible gasp. “I didn't want you to see me like that. Didn't want to ever taint your world with mine. I let you go because it was the right thing to do. At least, that's what younger me thought.”

He turns around suddenly, and his eyes are shiny and wet. “Alex—” He croaks my name.

“No, let me say this,” I cut him off with a frustrated sound. “I regret it.”

Noel blinks in shock.

“I regret not reaching out to you after I moved. I regret so much, but most of all, I regret pretending I didn't remember you when I came back here. I should have walked up to you and hugged you when you showed yourself. What I wanted to say was…” I take a deep breath and just say it. “I missed you so much, Noel.”

He flinches like it physically pains him to hear.

“Our time together… it meant something to me. And you were my friend. Don't you ever think for one second that I thought of you as just a science partner. You were—”

“Stop!” Noel shouts, tears trailing down his cheeks. He wipes at them angrily. “I need time to think. I just—” He drops to his knees in front of me. “I need more answers, Alex. This is not what I… I can't wrap my head around it. You lied… I hate you right now, you fucking asshole.”

I flinch, my head drops in shame.

Gentle fingers touch my cheek. A thumb caresses under my swollen eye.

“I'm furious, but more than that, I just want to be here for you. Like I've always wanted to be. I want to be your friend so bad I can't stand it . Even now, after everything.”

I stare at him with wide, blurry eyes. My chin trembles. His fingers are cradling my cheek, and when I blink, the hot trail of tears is like fire, burning all the way down.

I bite my lip with a strangled sound, trying to hold back a sob. I sigh, weightless, and crash into Noel, hugging him hard. His response feels so genuine. Arms wrap around me tightly. His warmth is comfort and peace.

It's like I'm finally coming home.

“You didn't say goodbye,” Noel mumbles into my neck, and I crumble at his words.

I press him closer to me, my fingers curling into the back of his shirt.

It brings back memories of us from so many years ago.

Noel rants off constellations as we lay on a blanket under the meteor shower. The sky is lighting up brightly, so beautiful while I huddle in my puffy jacket from the frigid breeze. Noel has the biggest smile on his face as I watch him in awe of the scene above. The sky is clear and open, making us feel like tiny, insignificant bugs on earth. His eyes sparkle and shine so beautifully that it seems like he has stars in them too. I think I already told him that before though. It's kind of beautiful.

My stomach tightens, and I have to stop myself from reaching for his face and grabbing hold of it roughly, just so I can feel that he's here. The only person who fucking gave a shit about me. Not my mom, not my father, not a single fucking person. But Noel? He thought of me as his best friend. He cared for me so much he never forgot about me when I left him all those years ago.

Shit, don't cry, don't cry. I swallow back what I want to say. It feels like there's a golf ball stuck in my throat as I work through the painful emotions.Ugh. He cared about me so deeply. Even back then, I could feel it. “I think I need another drink.”

“No, Alex,” he chastises me with a breath of disbelief.

“Dick,” I automatically say.

He chuckles softly. “I want you sober when we talk. I need answers.”

“That's why I need the alcohol.”

“Alex,” he says my name again, a deep sigh following after. “You shouldn't be drinking anyway; what about your medication?”

“Yeah, I know.”

I finally pull away from his embrace to look at him. His eyes are kind and gentle. A show of peace that he'll listen and be there for me.

It's always been there; I just didn't care to notice it.

It hurt too much.

I know he thinks I didn't care about him, but the truth is he's always been my person. I know he doesn't understand it and doesn't believe that, but it’s the truth. That short time we shared together was special for me too.

He has always been special.

Alex, past

I shove a hoodie over my long-sleeved shirt. There's not much time left before the shower starts. Noel has probably been there since before sundown. I chuckle under my breath, glad I have him to keep me company. I haven't told him my birthday is next month. I'll be thirteen. I bet he'd probably want to spend the whole day with me. I'll have to invite him over so we can do something. Maybe I can take him to that 3D show of the space documentary. He'd love that shit. So what if it's my birthday and not his? Just seeing his dumb, wide, and carefree grin would be kind of nice for my birthday. It's not like my parents would give a shit about spending time with me.

As I shut my bedroom door behind me, thinking of what I can do with Noel for my birthday, I hear gasping and whimpering cries. It makes my skin crawl.

“—stop! Please, please, I don't—this!”

I stop moving, straining my ears to make out the words. It's muffled. Something's definitely wrong. I keep walking, following the sounds of distress, keeping my steps slow and quiet. When I hit a corner, I pause. It's coming from the left. If I just peek around the wall… Even though I don't want to, I force myself to look. I gasp when I see my father’s back while he thrusts his hips up. The new housekeeper is lifted against the wall with her legs spread around his waist.

What is he doing? What the hell is happening—oh.

Oh, no. It suddenly clicks.

Father is having sex. Out in the open.

I gag and step back, but continue to listen.

“You're going to do what I say, you disgusting slut. I write your checks. So be a good maid and do what I tell you.”

Without thinking, I make myself known, throwing my body around the corner and screaming, “Get off of her!”

Father drops the maid, his hand falling from her mouth, and she gasps for air.

“What the—”

“Run!” I scream. He pulls his pants up to cover his dick, his face furious as he tries to pull the maid back. She rears back and slaps him across the face, tears streaking down her cheeks.

She runs, almost tripping over her skirt that's past her knees, but she pulls them up in a haste, giving me a terror-stricken expression before fleeing.

He lets her go, but only because I'm standing in his way.

“Get the fuck out of my way, boy.”

“How could you do that?” My voice shakes, eyes filling up with unshed tears. I can feel they're about to fall the moment I blink.

He zips up his pants, eyes darkening, forming slits. His fist flies at me, punching me right in the chin, and my teeth cut into my lip as I fall backwards, landing on my butt.

It hurts, oh fuck it hurts so bad... I groan, holding my face in fear and shock and pain.

He crouches down to my level and grabs my throat, choking me. The tears start to roll down my cheeks and land on my dad's wrist. “You think you're so brave, don't you? Saving some help from me? I may not have brought you into this world, but I can sure as hell take you out. Your own mother didn't even want kids, you know that? I had to make her. Because all men need a son. A boy to pass their legacy on to.”

Gasping for air, I scratch at his hand. My nails dig into his wrist so hard I think it makes him bleed; if it does, he doesn't show any signs of pain. He finally lets me go, and I shudder as air fills my lungs, desperately taking in as much as I can. I crawl away from him, shaking and shivering.

“It's about time I show you what it means to be a real man. The same thing my father did to me when I turned thirteen. A good beating will do wonders for your attitude.”

I get up to run, but he grabs my shirt and drags me back. A fist lands directly on my stomach, and I fall forward by the force of it. I can't breathe! Fuck, it hurts. It hurts!

Another hit, this time to the other side of my stomach. I can't take a single breath. I'm incapable of breathing. Oh my God, am I going to die? Is he going to kill me?

He doesn't hit me again. He just pushes me up against the wall and stares at me as I desperately try to get air. I can't move. I can't do anything but stare into his black eyes. He looks completely unaffected by what he's just done to me. Like he's a monster. I tear my gaze away.

The tiniest amount of oxygen finally enters my lungs, and I savor it.

Please, please, please let me breathe!

His hand grips my chin, forcing me to look at him. “Don't ever try to stop me again. I will fuck what I want, when I want. You are not some savior like you think you are. You're my son. And don't you ever forget it.” His hand drops, and he leaves me alone in the hallway, my lungs finally letting me take in oxygen.

I cry, sobbing while I pull at my hair, trying to ground myself. I need to get out of here!

I need… I need…

I need Noel.

As I think of him, I remember our project tonight. Shoving my hand into my pants pocket, I pull my phone free to check the time. Crap! I need to get going. I need to meet him!

I wipe furiously at my eyes, ridding myself of my tears, and run down to my room to get my backpack, struggling against the pain in my face, ribs, and stomach. Adrenaline pumps in my veins, and I'm already forcing myself to forget what just happened. I don't want this! Think of something else; think of Noel.

Mom is in the living room watching trash TV. I level my voice to match the calm atmosphere, not wanting to sound afraid. “Sophia, I need a ride. My project is tonight.” My voice wavers clearly because I'm still in shock.

She doesn't look up at me.

“Sophia.”

She sighs and glares at me. “Can't you just walk?”

I give her the same glare she's giving me. “It's too far.”

“Fine. Give me a minute. What happened to your face?” There's no concern, only a vague curiosity.

“I don't have a minute. I need to go now!”

“Jesus, when did you get so needy?” She gets up and takes her time putting her shoes on.

Once we're in the car and driving, I think about telling her what happened. But then I shake my head. She wouldn't care.

She never cares.

And the woman my father forced himself on—what do I do about that? Will she call for help? Do I call for help? My brain shuts down thoughts of it happening, not wanting to see it anymore. I shut off all thoughts of tonight, not wanting to dwell on my father beating me...

Sophia's car pulls up to the side of the road where Noel and I are meeting in a field for the meteor shower.

I grab the insulated cups I made an hour ago and my backpack, then fling myself out of the vehicle. Sophia doesn't bother to ask how I'll get home. I know she doesn't give a shit. I'll have to walk after we finish tonight.

I see a lantern and Noel's silhouette a few meters out with a telescope set up for the shower.

I smile, and the motion makes me wince. The cut from my mouth floods with blood, and I spit out the copper taste.

“Hey, Alex,” Noel greets me affectionately, and my chest fills me with gratitude at his warm presence. He's always like this. Kind and sweet and gentle.

I'm glad to have him with me tonight.