Page 16

ALEX

Shit.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I like him. So why the hell am I being like this?

Noel was like my own shooting star.

Lame, I know, but his very being was so bright, and it lit up the darkness in my world. All of a sudden, he was in my life, and it seemed as though he was meant to be there. Even as a kid, I could feel it.

The pull.

And when I had to leave, it was the final thing that broke me. And I swore I'd leave Noel alone. Leave him to be that bright, shiny star that sparkled and wasn't dimmed by its surroundings. Or by me.

My depression took a nosedive that year.

Puberty had something to do with it, I'm sure.

After doing something really stupid, I took the steps to get help. Anything I could do to get me on a path that was less destructive.

As I got older, I occasionally thought about him, but I never thought to contact him or look him up. I couldn't allow myself to wonder.

Wonder what it'd be like to be his friend again.

And when I ran back here to live with Sophia after the fight with my father, it all happened so fast that I didn't have time to think about running into Noel.

Until I did.

And I panicked.

When he looked at me with those damn doe eyes, I freaked out. His smile was bright and joyful, but it was hesitant and uncertain. He was excited to see me. Waiting for our reunion to be something special.

I broke his heart. And I deserve his anger for lying.

I need to fix this, but I'm still doing the same shit that I was doing before. Playing with him. Not letting him in by keeping up this facade that I'm unaffected by him.

I need to apologize and ask for forgiveness. I need to be real with him. I just... don't know how.

On the bus ride back to school, Noel ignores me. Which, okay, yeah, I definitely deserve that. Grady and Ace sit together, whispering about what happened with Noel fighting, and Levi is in his own little world, staring out the window like a grumpy old man.

And it hits me all over again that Noel punched someone for me. He actually fucking hit someone because of what they said about my mother not loving me.

That one hurt.

Props to Colton for that one. He definitely knew where to hit me where it hurts.

I close my eyes as a headache pounds in my temples.

In no time at all, we're back at school and we exit the bus.

Coach Sarah doesn't say anything about the fight, which isn't surprising. It was Noel this time, not me. She didn’t even scold me for my impromptu speech. She had probably seen that coming though, all things considered. As if I’d let it slide that some punk hit someone from our team, and it being Noel of all people. She had to have known I wouldn’t let that shit go. Instead of beating his face in or breaking his knee caps, I embarrassed him. Which is way funnier.

I walk to my vehicle, needing to figure everything out before he ends up hating me for real. I guess I have Christmas break to figure something out. I don't exactly have plans this week. I don't have a tree up or a single decoration because Sophia hasn't been home. It's always been this way, though.

As I pass by other houses in the neighborhood, I see red and green lights strung up. It's not like I'm just now noticing it for the first time, but I look at them with admiration. Do those families go caroling? Make cookies together and sit by their fireplace watching whatever holiday movies are out?

I wonder if Noel does that. If he wraps presents and spends time with people who love him.

Ugh, why the fuck am I doing this? It doesn't matter. None of it matters because when I get home, there isn't a family waiting for me.

There never will be.

Although I'm happy that Sophia is not here, as I hate her guts, I'm not looking forward to being alone again.

I go straight to my room to get the supplies I'll need—some pre-sharpened colored pencils and my sketchbook. I walk into the movie room and plop down on the sofa, turning the projector on so I can start a new anime.

It's one that Noel likes.

I flip through my sketchbook to an empty page and start drawing while the opening song plays in the background.

When I finish my drawing and shake out the cramp in my hand, I realise I made it through six episodes.

Will he think this is stupid?

I imagine Sophia's reaction in my head." Why are you wasting your time with these doodles? They aren't even good!" As she rips the paper in two and throws it away. What if… no. Noel likes my drawings. He's always thought they were beautiful.

I rip out the page from my book and sign my signature to it.

If I want to win our friendship back, I should start making amends.

It was me who lied to him, so I should be the one to reach out. I've got to stop being such a dickhead and open up; be vulnerable. Show him what he meant to me all those years ago. I grimace. It's definitely easier said than done.

Noel doesn’t hate me yet, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t angry.

I keep messing it up with him, constantly playing everything off as a joke and acting like I’m not serious. He can’t read between the lines. His brain doesn’t work that way. I’ll need to be direct and open.

Tell him what I feel.

I’ll start with this drawing and hope he understands.

NOEL

I drive to Ace’s house to hang out after the shit show that was our last fencing match of the season. It's just me and Grady that are here; no word from Levi or Alex.

We’re in Ace’s basement, spread out on the couch, eating frosted green and red cookies his mom baked. If there's one thing I can always be sure of, it's baked goods in this home.

Grady has his legs sprawled out, moaning with each bite of chocolate cookie. “I can't believe our competitions are over. It goes by so fast.”

“And it was our last year together,” Ace pouts.

Grady toes at Ace’s side. “We'll play together in college.”

“But it's different; we were just starting to get along with Noel, and now it's over!” Ace whines, looking over at me thoughtfully.

“Sorry?” I say sheepishly, feeling a tiny smile on my face.

“You'll just have to come to college with us, won't you Noel?” Grady says, winking at me.

“Depends on the college. I'm hoping for scholarships to get me in for a full ride.”

“Fair enough.”

My phone vibrates with a text in my pocket, and I just know it’s him. I reach for it and stare down incredulously.

Alex: Can you come over?

I don’t know what to say. I’m still angry with how he treated me in the locker room. After leaving him on read for another minute, Alex sends a new text.

Alex: I’m sorry.

Another text comes through when he sees I’ve read it.

Alex: I’m sorry I made a joke after kissing you.

I respond back.

Noel: You’re not sorry.

Alex: Noel…

My name in text makes it feel weirdly intimate, like I know he’s being serious right now.

Noel: What?

Alex: Please come over?

Noel: Why should I?

Alex: I’ll tell you when you get here.

Noel: You’re being awfully bossy for someone who wants me to forgive them.

Alex: I’ll make it up to you, doe eyes.

The nickname makes me feel all fluttery, but I’m done with it.

I can’t keep doing this back and forth with him. I’m going to end it tonight. The season is over, so we don't need these dumb practices anymore. It's not like they were beneficial anyway. It was an excuse to spend time together. The friendship I craved since he came back isn't possible. I can’t do this anymore. I don't think Alex understands just how badly he's hurting me.

Noel: Be there soon.

This is our goodbye, Alex.

“Hey, you good?” Ace asks me gently, placing his hand on my shoulder and squeezing.

“I’m fine. I’m going to go visit Alex for a bit,” I tell them. Grady smirks. “He needs to talk to me.”

“You’re a good friend, Noel.”

“I’m—” I can’t finish what I want to say because I don’t know what to say. They chuckle at my reaction as my face warms. They don't even question why I punched that guy today. But I'm assuming they know it was for Alex.

“Go on, tell him we said Merry Christmas.”

“Oh. Right.” I nod as I get up. “I hope you both have a good week. You can text me if you want,” I tell them, and they both smile.

"Yeah, we'll text!” Grady responds cheerily, and Ace laughs.

“Well duh. I’ll miss you too much.”

I shake my head with a chuckle and walk up the stairs.

It’s about time I kicked Alex's ass.

ALEX

I shove the sketch I made for Noel in my hoodie pocket before I answer the door. I’m nervous and jittery as I open the door for him. He’s standing there, perfect and cute in his puffy jacket and messy brown hair tucked under a baseball cap.

Nothing matches, but that’s the appeal. It’s chaotic, and he manages to pull it off.

“Hey,” I greet him, but he brushes past me, not sparing me a glance.

Fuck, he’s really angry this time .

I follow him as he makes his way to the kitchen, stopping when he reaches the island. He turns his head to look at me. “Sophia still not home?” he asks, but then drops his head with a chuckle, turning back around. “Right. You don’t talk to me about personal things in your life. Not like I’m your friend.” His tone is mean and full of snark. “I brought my stuff, so let’s go fence. I didn't get to at the competition, and I really want to beat you.”

I open my mouth to say something but stop, running a hand through my hair. “If that’s what you want.”

“What I want is to not be here.”

I touch the paper in my pocket, fisting it. I crumble it up into a ball.

He must hear it because he glances down at my hoodie.

“Shall we?” I deadpan, walking past him down the hallway to the fencing room.

There’s obvious tension in the air. I sneak glances at him as we put on our gear to practice. Under his athletic shorts are tight, black stirrup leggings, and all he does is take his jacket and hoodie off to put the vest on, leaving everything else.

“You can play your music; I don't mind,” he tells me offhandedly.

I roll my shoulders, loosening up before we get into our bout. I walk over to where the music screen is, typing in my playlist I like to listen to when I'm in here.

Heavy, loud bass makes Noel sigh with a shake of his head. “I’ll need ibuprofen for my headache after this,” he grumbles as I slide my mask over my head.

My chuckle is drowned out by the thumping beat, feet already in en garde position and arm stretched out with my foil in hand. Noel follows suit, getting in his position quickly where the floor is outlined.

We salute before we begin.

Our steps are fluid, pushing us forward in an almost perfect synchronization. Our foils clash repeatedly, knocking our weapons together, a dance we both are very intimate with as I advance and he retreats back and forth. When there's an opening I lunge and he parry's, hitting my foil. It doesn’t deter him, only making his steps quicker and more precise as he advances and lunges, landing a hit to the sixte zone, my upper torso. The foil bends at the contact.

“Damn, someone’s been practicing,” I comment on his improvement.

He walks back to where I’ve placed tape on the floor, outlining where the strip would be.

“You said you’d make me the best so I could beat you. Well, get ready to lose, Alex ,” he says my name menacingly. It's like a caress, how he says it all slow and sultry-like. Goosebumps erupt down my spine at the threat. It's not because I don't want to lose, but the rare, cocky confidence that sneaks up in moments like this, making him so unbelievably sexy. I can’t help but be in awe of him.

I know he’s upset with me, and he had no problem hurting my feelings just a few minutes ago, but now that he’s here and being all cocky, I want to lick up his throat and bite his lips. Kiss his cheeks and tell him how sorry I am for being a fuck up.

I laugh to cover up my internal freakout. “So beat me then, doe eyes,” I respond easily.

Noel flies at me before I have time to collect myself, and it's definitely against official rules, but that fuels the fire inside me, knowing he's so pent up with wanting to beat me.

Noel goes full on rogue.

I can't stop smiling under my mask as he pushes himself, the tip of his foil aiming at my chest over and over as we dance in a flurry of movements, a sequence of events: I advance then retreat, he advances and retreats, I parry and attack, land a hit, and we start over at the line. Noel thrusts forward, and I parry four; a riposte follows.

Our bout turns into a warzone.

My laugh is loud, and the song is just the right background setting for this moment. Noel’s foil clashes with mine, and it hits so hard it feels like it could fly out of my hand, but he doesn't stop coming for me.

He shoves me hard, and I fall down to the floor.

The tip of his foil is held at my protected throat as he stands above me, arm stretched out with his blade.

“I win,” he states slowly, mockingly, and my breath stutters at seeing him look strong and confident above me.

He rips his neck protection and mask off, dropping his foil in the process.

I take mine off too, still smiling.

“You’re unbelievably hot when you're being an asshole, you know that?” My flirting goes amiss as usual with him. He completely disregards me. My approach needs to switch up, because he really doesn't get it.

I want him. I need him.

I like him, and he still can’t see it. Even after I made out with him at the tournament. Even after I told him I wanted to suck his dick. After everything I said to him when I confessed. How does he not get it?

“I came over to tell you I’m over it all. Fuck this and fuck you. I’m officially done. Clearly you don't want to be my friend, and I'm tired of these stupid games.”

Wait. What the hell?

He turns to leave without so much as a glare in my direction. My stomach knots up, fearing this is it. The final straw in our relationship that hasn’t even started yet. He has waited and hated me for years because of what I did to him, and if I don't say what needs to be said now, he will end this. Or maybe he'll still walk away after I say what I need.

I should let him go. Let him walk out of my life for good. It’d be the smart thing to do, honestly. What can I offer him, seriously? He’s better off without me and all my baggage. My life is shit.

I have a father that beats me and a mother that hates me. I am unlovable. I’m an eighteen-year-old incapable of expressing what he feels to the most important person in his life.

But

I need him.

And for once, I want to be selfish.

It’s now or never.

I stand up.

“Wait,” I demand hoarsely, the word a desperate plea. He keeps on walking like I didn't just sound pathetic to my own ears.

C'mon, just fuckin say it!

He makes it to the door, opens it and—

“I like you, Noel!” I scream over the song, over the sound of my beating heart that’s pounding in my chest so fast and hard I might pass out.

His head whips around, eyes rounded and incredulous at my outburst. Those pretty lips open to say something, but he can’t form words; he saunters toward me with purpose and determination in every stride.

I swallow roughly, not taking my eyes off him as his strong steps take him directly in front of me. He pushes my shoulders, walking me backwards a couple steps until I smack against the wall mirror. He presses his body into mine, our faces inches apart.

“Say that again, to my face,” he demands, and my breath hitches at his bossy attitude, sending shivers up my arms.

“I said I fucking like you, okay?” S hit, that was too aggressive.

His eyes turn into slits. “Say it again, but nicely .”

Oh, fuck .

My face flushes hot.

“Noel,” I manage to choke out. “I like you,” I whisper, staring at his lips so I don't have to watch those big eyes stare into my soul. “You think I mess with you because I don’t care?” I raise my voice to get my point across, too worked up and ready to confess to his dumbass how much he means to me. “I've always cared, Noel. I have a shitty way of showing it, but you've always meant something to me. You were…” I blink quickly, overcome with the emotional turmoil of explaining my feelings to him. They’re complicated. But my truth is also simple. I inhale a deep breath. “You were the brightest light in my fucked-up nightmare of a childhood. The only person that gave a damn about me. You made me happy when it was damn near impossible to do so. When I say I like you, I mean it. I really, truly mean it. I’ve been obsessed with you for a long time. And… I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything.”

He blinks, eyes watery. He might be on the verge of crying while biting his lip to hold back a sob. Dropping his head, he shakes it slowly. “All this time, and you could have just said that, Alex. Enough messing around with me. Say what you mean and be honest.”

He grabs the back of my neck, forehead pressing against mine. I gasp at the contact. We both sound winded, our breathing mingling together. I watch his lips, leaning close as he smiles. “I’ve waited years for this. Fuck you for making me wait.” I remain still, letting him decide when to strike. We stand close to one another and breathe in for a long minute, simply feeling the relief that comes from expressing our longing and frustration.

“Can I kiss you again?” His ragged whisper is like a gentle caress against my mouth. I lick my lips involuntarily.

“Yes,” I reply quickly, eager and desperate with my plea, but I don't care about hiding my real feelings anymore.

He makes his move, our mouths slowly making contact before he pulls away, and I strain my neck forward to get his lips back on mine.

He shoves my shoulder back using one hand, and the back of my head smacks the glass.

“ Fucking dick,” I groan at the sharp pain.

He smirks playfully. “You taught me well.”