Page 27

NOEL

I have Alex meet me at the field where I'm stargazing tonight.

It's a couple days after losing my virginity, or whatever it's called nowadays, when a boy rides another boy's dick.

Alex was so… warm and gentle above me. So open and vulnerable. He was still his mouthy self, but he was also… open. It was completely unexpected, but also very him. Alex always surprises me, doing things I don't expect of him. Asking me to take his… bottom virginity was not on my bingo card. I hadn’t given it much thought on how we’d have sex, but I kind of assumed our first time would be me being penetrated. I still want that to happen, but now that I know how it feels to be inside Alex, I want that again. To feel him tighten up as he comes, panting my name.

I did that. I made him feel good.

I huff a laugh as I think of him, cheeks flushed, body moving over mine in a lewd, sexual way. The noise he made when he came …

Okay, stop it, I’m getting hard.

I hear a car pull into the dirt path, and when he parks his car, I watch the headlights turn off. The moment feels almost like Deja vu as he walks towards me with his hands in his hoodie pockets. I'm sitting crossed-legged on a blanket with my telescope not yet set up.

“Hey,” he greets me, monotoned.

I stand up, reaching out to him for a hug. He melts into it, his chin resting on my shoulder while strong muscles pull me close.

“I'm glad you came.” He breathes in my scent. “Do I smell?”

“Yeah, fucking amazing.”

I scoff, turning away from him to begin setting up the telescope correctly. “Come sit; I was just about to—”

“I’m moving back to California tomorrow.”

I turn to stare at him, unblinking. “Um... is this... like one of your jokes?” I make a sound like a laugh, but it's fake.

He looks away, eyes not meeting mine. “It wouldn’t be a very funny joke if it was. I'm funnier than that.”

I stomp over to where he's standing, but he keeps his eyes averted. “Alex. Tell me this is a joke right now. Or I swear I’m going to—” I can’t finish because my voice quakes, tears filling my vision.

When he turns, finally looking at me, my stomach drops, hands trembling. He’s not joking.

For a long time, the only sounds we hear are the rustle of the trees and the passing cars on the road. Neither of us speaks.

“So, that’s it then? I’ll see you again in another five years, is that right?”

He doesn’t respond.

“Why are you going to California? What happened? Did your mom do something? Talk to me!”

“It's just until I get into college—”

“You're fucking kidding me,” I cut him off with a bitter laugh. “You're just going to leave, and without even telling me until the night before you go. How could you do that to me, you absolute fucking dick!” I kick his foot. “This is exactly like that night, you know. Except this time, you decided, oh, hey, I should let Noel know I'm leaving.”

“Stop it,” he finally says, voice low in his throat. It's almost like a threat.

“Well, fuck you, I’m not letting you go. I refuse to let you go back there to that monster!” I'm breathing heavily, too worked up to stop. He turns and stares at me with a detached expression while running a hand through his disheveled hair. He reaches in his hoodie for a cigarette and lighter.

“You mean everything to me,” I admit, thinking of how much of an impact he made on me at just thirteen and the years that followed where I pined after him, not understanding it at the time. I didn't want to, but when he came back to me, my feelings grew bigger and deeper the more I got to know him and understand him. He's this massive, engulfing space in my world that's always been present. He's the only planet in my universe.

I pace, walking in some weird back and forth motion while staring down at my shoes in thought. My cries are silent for now, a hot stream down my face. I can’t do this. Panic is fast approaching; my heart is beating too fast, it's making me lightheaded.

“Come here.” Alex startles me with a commanding order. I glare over at his stupid, easy-going stance where both his hands are at his side, one leisurely in his pants pocket while the other holds a cigarette. Fuck him for looking so relaxed and unaffected by life. By me.

“Look at me.” I don't look. His voice goes from detached apathy to a deadly command. “Noel, look at me.”

Our eyes lock.

“I have to leave. Sophia is selling the house. I'm moving back to my father's until I figure out what to do next... I've lived with his abuse for years; what's a couple more months?” he trails off and sighs. “I don't have money, and I don’t have a place to live, and it's just until I get into college,” he says instead.

“Like hell you don’t. You’re moving in with me.”

He glares. “I’m not doing that to your mom.”

“You don’t get a say! Let me fight for you, Alex. I know you feel like a burden, and I get it, I do. But I’m not giving up on you. I’ll never do that.” I get choked up, the words harder and harder to say when I'm crying for him. The rage is back in full force. It was all so easy to deal with when I thought I hated him, but now it's difficult for me to continue, projecting my heartbreak onto him in the form of anger. “I’ll never stop fighting for you—” My breath catches, voice lowering into a whisper, “and you'll always be the only person I want. Since I was thirteen years old.”

Alex flicks his cigarette to the ground, and I hope it's his white flag being raised in surrender. “I have to go, doe eyes. I'll stay in touch with you, I promise. Nothing will change with us. I just need to figure this out first.”

Guess not.

“God, I hate you.” My voice is a growl. I’m about to tear him apart; I’m so angry with him. How could he give up so easily? It's an easy fix! Move in with me, finish school, then go to college together.

Stern, angry eyes level with my own. “No, you fucking don't. Don’t say that to me.”

I scoff defiantly. “I despise you. I hate you so fucking much.” My voice cracks on a choked whisper. Hot tears fill up my vision, and I turn my head up, up to the night sky. The stars are twinkling so brightly, it's like they're playing with me. Laughing from millions of miles away at my pain. I blink them away before I feel warm fingers touch my cheek. Alex is standing in front of me. I try to turn away, but he grips my chin, forcing my wandering, wet eyes back to him.

“You love me.”

“I don’t—”

“And I love you,” he interrupts, hands cupping my face and pulling me into his embrace as harsh, bruising lips crash against my open, shocked mouth.

He drops one hand around my lower back while the other stays gripping my chin, moving me how he wants, like he always does.

I'm not given a single second to think about his declaration because his delicious tongue licks at the seam of my lips, demanding entry. I open to him with a strangled, keening moan that has his fingers digging into my skin.

We kiss for an eternity, our mingled gasps and sharp inhales of air filling the space between us, mouths slowing down from urgent and needy to something softer. My hands reach for his waist, and I squeeze with a little moan into his mouth. When our mouths grow tired and our shared breaths are staggered, we pull apart.

I can feel his hardness against my thigh, and I want to pull his sweats down just enough to grip his erection. I want to feel his hot, pulsing cock in my hand as I jerk him off slowly, savoring the moment where I watch him lose himself to the pleasure that I give him. But this moment isn't about that. It’s so much more than physical. It’s soul-deep love and everything that matters.

Because I do love him. I love him so much it hurts.

Alex shoves his hands through my unruly strands to fondle the back of my skull, pulling my face forward so our foreheads touch. It's so intimate and calming. I place my hands over his and my eyes shut in contentment.

It's peaceful. Both of us under the stars. The night air is crisp and perfect. Exactly how it was all those years ago.

“You want to know what I wished for that night?” he whispers. I hum against his head. “I wished for someone—” He exhales sharply. “Someone to love me.”

I pull back. His eyes are shut, but I place a palm on his cheek, and he leans into it, as his lashes flutter and his expression softens. “It's always been you, Alex. You are… my universe .” I choke up, finally able to tell him what he means to me. The words float around us like a cocoon. We stand still, letting the moment speak for itself.

I pull away first, his hand stopping me when he threads his fingers through mine, holding my hand with a harsh grip as I wait for him to look at me properly. There's a tinge of red on his cheeks, like he might be embarrassed. I’ve never seen him look so vulnerable, and it breaks something in me, wanting to give him the world.

“You know…I'm starting to believe we were written in the stars,” he laughs under his breath, and my chest spasms at his words.

“Alex,” I whisper, barely able to hear myself.

“Say it, please?” He asks gently.

And that please alters my brain chemistry. I would give this boy my life if he needed a heart. There is nothing I wouldn't do to protect him. He'll never be denied love and affection again. I don’t hesitate to give him what he wants as I cup his face, my hands palming him reverently. “I love you, Alex.”

Flashing a rare smile, he closes his eyes before gently whispering the words I never thought I’d hear from him. “I love you, Noel.”

Immediately, every ounce of anger I felt before fades, and I'm left grinning so big he can't help but kiss my cheek to get rid of it. I laugh; the sound is way too loud in the quiet night. Alex stares at my mouth with his own tell-tale grin that's just a tiny smirk.

I can feel it in my soul. His happiness is directly linked to my own.

And secretly, that's all I've ever wanted for him to be.

“You’re coming to live with me; you got that?” I tell him harshly.

He sighs. “I can’t ask your mom to do that for me. It’s too much, Noe.”

“It’s not. You’re eighteen, Alex. You aren’t under his control. Make your own decisions and fight for us… I want you here. With me. You're staying.”

It’s like a damn bursts. I can feel him tremble and gasp, as his head falls to my shoulder. “No one’s ever cared like you do, Noel,” he chokes up, words a watery, shaky, fragile thing. “No one has ever loved me like you do.” I pull him closer to me, making a vow to always be the kind of person he needs.

I'll be his crutch when he's broken.

Anxiety I didn't know was there suddenly leaves me, and I can breathe again, a weight off my shoulders because I know he’ll stay. “I’m your family, Alex. You’re coming home with me, understand? If it’s too much for you to fight, I’ll fight for the both of us. No one is going to stand in the way of us being together.” My throat feels tight, like I’m going to cry too. “We’re going to finish high school and go off to college together.”

Alex levels me with a look I know intimately. It says, you are an idiot. But this time it also feels like he’s saying, thank you.

“Okay,” he finally agrees, and it’s like I’m floating, so relieved that he’s finally getting it.

“I really love you,” I whisper, biting my lip so I don't sob with happiness. Alex shuts his eyes and sighs heavily. He plays it off like he hates it, but inside he’s elated that he’s loved and that he finally has a real home to go to.

And that’s always going to be with me.