Page 14

NOEL

We stay in a hunched over position until Alex stops shaking and looks up at me for guidance. It's such a different side of him I haven't seen before; even as kids, he was so guarded. Maybe now he realizes I really am here for him.

“Let's go to bed. It's like four in the morning.” I rub my thumb at the back of his neck, and he leans into it, exposing his throat to me. His face is so soft, his expression open without any hint of his usually detached emotionless shit. He's just… bare.

There's an urgency in me to kiss his face, but I don't pay that any mind. I just want to make him feel better, that's all.

“Can we hold off on questions until tomorrow? I'm so tired.” He blinks sleepily at me, and I help him up. He winces, his hand going to his side. That fight tonight must have hurt him.

“Do you want some medicine? I'll go get you some.” He looks at me strangely and then huffs.

“After everything I did to you, you're still the same.”

“You don't deserve to be in pain just because you did something fucked up to me.”

Something about my sentence makes him freeze up, but then he sighs and continues on to his bedroom.

Yeah, I have questions for him. And he better fucking tell me the truth. No more lies.

He slides under the covers with a groan, and I get in after he's settled. Staying on my side of the bed.

It's definitely weirder now that we're sober.

Just two people sharing a bed together. That have kissed. And were once best friends.

At least for me, that is.

Oh my God, I can't believe he remembers me.

I turn my head and see him already watching me.

“You know, back then, when you held my hand, I was so embarrassed,” he says with a breathy chuckle.

I blink, surprised he's bringing that up. “What?”

Alex’s eyes drop to his hands, fiddling with the blanket with long fingers that grip the fluffy comforter in his fist. “You reached out to me and held my hand. You didn't let go. Thank you.” He looks up at me then, and I lose my breath. “I needed that more than you can ever know.”

I don't know what to say, but he doesn't need me to say anything. He closes his eyes and eventually goes to sleep.

ALEX

Shivers erupt down my arms, and I gasp, sitting up, fully awake. Tears run down my cheeks. My hands grip my sheets in a tight fist—anything to help ground myself, to rid my mind of the very real image of my father and what he did to me.

His fists. His anger. His monstrous eyes.

An anxiety attack hits me like a fucking train.

I'm choking for air, just like when I was punched, unable to breathe. A hand slaps over mine, squeezing hard before gripping my wrist. I rear back, almost hitting the person with my other hand, but they catch that hand too, squeezing both my wrists.

“Shhhh, it's okay,” they whisper soothingly. “It's okay, I'm here. You're okay,” the voice goes on and on, shushing me, trying to calm me down.

I gasp, shuddering, when I take my first real deep breath. And then a sob escapes.

“Oh, Alex,” he says, right before letting one of my hands go so that he can grip the back of my neck slowly. He's gentle with me, so I don't freak out. He draws me in and hugs me against his firm, warm body.

Noel.

My brightest fucking light.

He's in my bed. Holy shit. I'm having a panic attack, and he's fucking watching it happen.

My body continues to shake and tremble, unable to come back to reality even though my mind knows I'm safe. Noel rubs my back in slow circles until my breathing finally calms. Having him here is helping.

“Focus on breathing. In and out. In and out. There you go, just like that.”

There are no words I can form to speak to him right now. It's all too much for me.

After minutes of listening to him repeat, it's okay, breathe with me, I sit back, unable to look at him or break the ice first.

I'm exhausted by the time it ends.

He lets me go easily, sitting cross-legged over the covers. “Are you okay? Do you need anything? Just tell me what I can do… I'll do anything, Alex. I get them too.”

Fuck me, this is too much.

“Just stay quiet,” I rasp, not fully able to speak like myself yet. He does. But I get a sinking feeling in my gut that feels a lot like guilt so I sigh. Before I can think of all the reasons why this is a horrible idea, I reach out my hand and touch his fingers that are splayed open over the blanket. His hitch of breath at the contact makes me shut my eyes, and I'm brought back to a memory of us, picturing his face as we held hands. I can remember the way I felt about it.

It grounds me. It stops the shivering and calms my breathing. He doesn't say a word, but the moment feels so damn heavy. My room is cold and dark; it reminds me of that chilly night. Still holding on to Noel's hand tightly, my head tilts back, and I fall onto my back. I thread my fingers through his slowly, and Noel lets loose a shuddering sigh, his hand relaxing in mine.

We hold hands like that until I pass out.

When I wake up, the sun is shining through my balcony doors, and Noel is no longer in bed with me.

“Fuck,” I hiss as I wash my face, wincing as my lip reopens.

There’s a chuckle over the speaker on my phone that’s propped up on my sink. I throw up a middle finger at the camera as Grady’s face fills up the screen; he laughs while he gets his braids redone, head tilting to the side while a woman tugs at his hair. “You’re lucky I pulled you off.”

“No, you’re lucky you didn’t hear him say that shit to Ace. I would have had to pull your ass back, so you’re welcome for that.”

“Yeah, okay. You're probably right.” He nods, looking at me with a serious expression.

“Is he good?” I ask, wiping my hands on a towel and picking my phone up. I walk over to my bed and plop down, laying back.

Grady hums. “He’s fine. He doesn’t let that stuff ruin his mood. I think he was more upset that Noel had to leave with you. He was having a good time with him.”

“Yes, I saw their coyote ugly routine.”

“They were the talk of the party. He looked good, man. He's always so stoic and quiet; it was wild seeing him dance like that.” I grind my teeth, picturing Noel half-naked dancing all over Ace, and it makes my heart speed up. “What’s that face for?”

“What face?” I ask, sounding pissed.

“Are you upset?”

I sigh, bringing my phone as close to my face as I can, propping it there. It's likely that Grady can only see my nose from this view. “Noel can do what he wants. What do I care?”

“You’re such a weirdo,” Grady laughs. “Hey, Ace is calling; I’ll hit you up later. Try not to get into any more fights this week. That includes Levi,” he emphasizes before ending our call. I scoff. I don't get into that many fights. But I do end up messing with Levi more often than not. He's just easy to rile up; I can't help it.

I sit up in bed and rub at my sore face. I’m not sure what I should do now. Call him again? Give him space? Shoot another text? He was gone before I woke up. I sent three texts, asking him where he went, but he never responded. Ace eventually texted me that Noel was with him and that they're spending the day watching movies as a duo, so don't stop by. It's code for, leave Noel alone today. He walked over to his house sometime after I passed out, all to get away from me.

He's ignoring me, and it's all because I spilled my guts to him last night that I've been lying to him.

Fuck, why did I do that again?

Oh, that's right, because I'm a scared little boy, in his words. I'm scared of what he makes me feel. He knows me. I needed him back then, and I need him now.

Lying to him every day, every interaction, has been shitty, and the more I spend time with him, the more I want out of him.

I want everything he is willing to give me.

Even before he took his damn mask off, I could feel that connection between us, pulling me into his fucking orbit, shifting our bodies closer.

I had a feeling it was him. When he did reveal himself, I didn't know what to do. So, I played it all off with a lie. I let him believe I didn't know him. I needed his eyes on me, so I kept teasing him, playing with him, and making him even angrier. I needed to feel something from him if I couldn't give him the truth.

But I can't help myself, so I ended up taking things too far. I started flirting with him. My attempt to flirt with him failed because he is blissfully unaware of such things. I wanted to know if he liked boys and if there was a chance we could play around because I fucking wanted him with a painful, burning desire.

He's always been my weak point, my crack in the armor, my damn Narushiki to my Shinso Kendo, and I don't know what to do with him.

I just know that I'd give up everything to have him as my friend again.

I miss him. I never stopped missing him.

Lacing up my boots, I decide to ruin Levi’s day since he’s the only one left that’s not currently busy and I don’t want to be home alone, so guess he's it. I walk over to his house, passing Ace’s on the way. I glare at the large door in disdain, mentally berating myself for being such an idiot. I should have told him sooner, like at the start of the night. Or sooner than that. I should've just told him the day we saw each other again, but I can't change that now.

Levi’s home has a really long circle driveway that takes me forever to walk up, and I find a car on his driveway that I don’t recognize from the last couple times I have been here to hang out. It also has a pink fuzzy ball hanging on the window, which means there's probably a young woman here.

I knock on the door while calling him on video chat. He picks up at the same time a maid opens the door.

“Hi, I’m from the Mormon church and looking to recruit young, hot males like myself to spread the word of–”

“No, thank you,” the maid says, shutting the door on me.

I look down at Levi on my phone. He’s in bed, shirt off, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. “Why are you here?”

“Recruiting. Let me in.”

“I’m with someone.”

I lean against a pillar, dropping my head back. Levi has a blanket pulled over his lap that keeps moving up and down. I sigh. “Is she sucking you off right now?”

“Give me five minutes, and I’ll let you in. The least you can do is wait since you just showed up unannounced.” He hangs up, and I sit on the steps, playing a game on my phone.

It takes less than five minutes, a fact that has me snorting in laughter when the door opens and Levi is standing there with the girl I recognize from school. Charlotte.

“Bye, Levi, I had fun. Text me.” She leans up and kisses his mouth before spinning around in her dress and walking down to her car.

Levi looks down at me. “Wanna game?”

I stand up and follow him inside, up the stairs to his room. His bed is unmade and stinks like sex.

I jump down on his beanbag chair, and he starts up his gaming system. “So, you got in a fight last night at the party?” he asks, not looking at me.

“It’d be more surprising if I didn’t get into a fight at a party.”

His lip twitches. “You’re a little shit, you know that?”

“That’s probably the nicest thing you've ever said about me.”

We spend hours gaming, and Levi doesn’t ask about Ace once. He does it because he knows I see through his bullshit. He can’t hide from me. Like attracts like.

“Stay for dinner if you want,” Levi offers. “And if you want to crash here.” He waves his hand behind him, gesturing to the bed.

“I’ll accept the dinner, but no way am I getting in your rank ass bed sheets smelling like cum.”

He throws a bottle of water at my head, and I duck. “I came in her mouth; there’s nothing in my sheets.”

I chuckle, raising an eyebrow at him, getting a really funny idea. “You know who else swallows?” I ask slowly, a knowing glint in my eyes, waiting for him to catch on.

His face darkens, warning me to shut the hell up if I know what’s good for me because Ace is off limits. I know it, Grady knows it, and everyone else at KVA knows it. Talking about Ace in any way that could be conceived as sexual will get you booted off Levi’s list of people he tolerates. He does not fuck with anyone that speaks about Ace in that way. He can’t hear it. He freaks out. Ace is his best friend, but also not. Complicated is the only word I can use to describe their relationship.

The wait is tense while he waits for me to say his name, but I don't.

“Your mom!” I yell out and run into his bathroom as he chases after me. I slam the door before he can fully grab hold of my shirt, ripping it at the collar as it's pulled back.

“I take it back! Get out of my house!”