Page 10

NOEL

I leave the theater with an ache in my arm, courtesy of Deathblow.

“Are you coming over tonight to practice?” Alex pops up beside me as I'm walking. I've made it as far as the arcade, and he’s already back to his playful self, as if he didn’t just have me on the floor of a basement with his hand around my throat. I almost start laughing maniacally at his personality switch.

Is he fucking kidding me?

I keep walking, my eyes barely glancing in his direction. I turn to the left, trying to lose him, but he catches up to me with a couple long strides, not even looking guilty. I sigh. “You’re not serious.”

“I’m always serious,” he responds cheerily. I stop walking, turning to face his smirking mouth and bright eyes. It brings a heated blush to my face, so I quickly look back down and pull at the straps of my hoodie.

“What was that back there? Did I piss you off?”

He stays quiet, so I risk glancing up at him.

He’s biting his lip to suppress a smile. “You think you can piss me off?”

“What other reason would explain why you attacked me in there?”

“I already told you. I’m having a bad day. Don’t you remember?” He reaches out a hand to tap my forehead, but I smack it away.

“You treat me like shit because you’re having an off day? Real mature, Alex. You were an asshole to me.”

“I might have taken it too far. Just a bit.”

“You attacked me in there, grabbed my throat, and held me down to the floor,” I accuse him harshly.

He drops his eyes from my face down to the floor in a sheepish manner. It’s so unlike him. “Are you and Max friends?” His demanding question is hostile.

My eyebrows scrunch together in incredulity. “What? Why does that matter?” He sighs heavily, looking defeated by our conversation. His shoulders slump forward the smallest amount, eyes rolling at my question.

“If I apologize, will you come over tonight?”

I blink slowly at the weird whiplash of directions this conversation has taken. “You should apologize because you want to, not because you feel forced to.”

He looks me up and down in thought, jaw set. “If I mean it, will you come over?”

I blow out a harsh breath. “Fine. Apologize and mean it, and if you ever pull that shit again, I won’t practice with you. It’ll be over. All of it.” I put emphasis on all of it, so he understands what I mean. He grabs my wrist, pulling me along with him to a more secluded area. It burns my skin to have him touch me there. He lets go just as quickly, making very direct eye contact with me that has my breath picking up, and drops whatever bullshit funny boy charade he pulls all the time. It’s surreal. His eyes are sharp, clearly upset by whatever is going on in his head today. It breaks something in my chest seeing him so hurt, causing me to move closer to him. To show him comfort even though he was awful to me just now.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I shouldn’t have attacked you. I was being a dick. Today is just… it’s not a good day, and I was taking it out on you.” He pauses, taking a deep breath, lowering his voice even more. “You said…” He hesitates, physically struggling to say what he is trying to get out. “If I was ever lonely, you’d come over.”

All thought of anger dissipates because Alex needs me. This is a new side of him that I haven’t seen before. And a vulnerable Alex hurts my heart. I pretend to think about it, letting him stew in his previous bad choices, but I can’t tolerate the sad, pouty expression on his face, so I nod. “Yeah, I’ll come over.” He lets slip a little grin that feels genuine, making me smile too. Damn him.

“Great. Now that’s out of the way…” He walks away, leaving me flustered and startled. I follow after, towards where he parked his car.

What the hell was that? And why am I incapable of staying angry with him when he does something bad? I can’t understand my own thoughts, much less my actions. Alex obliterates all of my rational thinking. And one of these days it’s going to tear me apart.

ALEX

“I don't want to practice,” I tell him flippantly, throwing his backpack on the kitchen counter.

Noel rubs his eyes like he's tired. It has been a long day… and I didn't even go to school.

“Fine, it's not like I want to fence after that shitshow.”

“Dinner?” It was already my plan to do this instead of practicing, so I hope he agrees. Noel hums, running a hand through his hair.

“Yeah, I'm hungry.”

“Good. I'll order us something. Do you like pasta?”

“Sure.”

Noel's bored tone gets on my nerves, so instead of standing by the counter, I go sit by him on the stool. He looks at me, unblinking. “Yes?”

“I said I was sorry already,” I express harshly, probably a little too intensely.

He squints, glaring at me. “You are so damn rude.”

I let loose a chuckle. I can't help it. Noel's way of speaking is adorable, and my mood is already lightening.

He sighs. “Why are you laughing?”

“You're so cute. I can't help it.”

He makes a noise, and his lip curls like I offended him. “What have I told you about joking with me, Alex?”

"Yes, yes, I know.” I roll my eyes at his disregard for my flirting. Not like he knows I'm flirting. It's all harmless anyway. Not like it's going to go anywhere. But any sliver of attention from him makes me happy. I’m like a puppy begging my owner to watch me do a trick. It’s like I need him to pet me on the head after doing well.

“I can't stay very late; I need to get homework done that's due tomorrow.”

I nod, already putting in our food orders in the app with extra everything, in case he doesn't like chicken. Salad, rolls, soda, all of it.

“I'm ordering food for us now; do you want to watch anime until it's here?”

He relaxes out of the corner of my eye just like I knew he would. “Yeah, I'd like that.”

We get up from the stools and make our way into the movie room. Noel sits where he did last time, getting comfortable by pulling his knees together and hugging them.

I sit right next to him and flick the remote on.

It's just like last time. Noel watches the screen with enthusiasm and I watch him.

When the doorbell rings, I get up and answer it, grabbing our bag and plating all the food on glass plates. I walk into the theater room with both hands full, and Noel rushes to help.

“This smells so good.” He grabs a plate from my hand. “Thanks, Alex,” he says without thought.

“Anything for you, doe eyes. What did I miss?”

We sit back on the sofa, and he talks around a mouthful of pasta. “We can back it up; it's not much.”

“No, it's fine. I've watched it before.”

We eat quickly and finish the episode all within half an hour. We don't talk much. Just having him here is enough for me.

“I guess it's time I take you home,” I say after wiping my hands on a napkin.

“Yeah, thanks for the food. Although you do kind of owe me for hitting my arm with a foil and choking me.”

I drop his gaze, feeling like shit for what I put him through today. “Hey, Noel, I uh—”

He blinks up at me innocently. “What?”

And those eyes. What the fuck kind of sorcery is he pulling when he looks at me like that? He doesn't look at any of the other guys like he does me. With blatant trust and poorly concealed optimism. Soft, caramel amber. They shift shades, going from a dark brown to this. They're prettier in direct sunlight when the color is lighter, like my morning cup of coffee drenched with creamer. And I want to taste him badly. He blinks, and his eyes shift around, uncomfortable at the weird silence I made.

“Never mind. It's nothing. Let's go.” I stand up and grab the takeout bags to throw out. Noel follows me out.

The ride to his house is short and quiet. He yawns, obviously exhausted after what I put him through, like the piece of shit I am. Fuck me, dude.

“See you tomorrow at school?” He asks before opening his door to get out.

“Yeah, I'll be there. Um, thanks.” He tilts his head slightly, unsure why I'm thanking him. “Thank you for hanging out with me tonight.”

His eyes soften. “‘Course. I said I'd be here for you, didn't I?”

My hands squeeze the wheel. “Even when I'm being a massive dick?”

“Even then.” He opens his door, getting out. “But… you're not usually like that to me. I hope I was able to change your mood, Alex. Come to school tomorrow,” he demands of me, and then leaves.

I stare after him for a long time, making a sound like a laugh, but it's more a blow of air from my lungs. “Anything for you, doe eyes,” I whisper to myself while I drive off, heading back to a house that’s empty. As I'm pulling into my driveway, my phone lights up with a call.

My father.

No fucking way. And today of all days?

“Hello?” I answer somewhat reluctantly.

“Alex. How are you?” His deep voice is cordial at best. Underneath all that pleasantry is a man that can break bones for fun. Can bruise and batter my face better than any high school fight I get myself into.

“Fine.”

“Sophia asked me again if you'd come back home. It's hard on her to have you back after so many years, Alex. Let's be honest, she was never the motherly type to begin with.”

“What?” My tone lowers, incredulous. He sighs, like I'm an inconvenience to him. “She's never fucking here,” I say.

“And why is that? Hmm? She's never there because you’re there. Alex, how long is this going to last? You ran away from a good home to go live with a woman that doesn't love you? After all these years, that's what you run to? A whore who doesn't give two shits about you? Come back home, Alex. Where you belong. Knight's Valor is a fine school, but I'd prefer you finish your senior year at the same high school I attended. Let's talk about it; come back to California, son.”

I laugh once to cover up the golf ball-sized lump on my throat. My eyes water, but no tears fall, thank God. I'd rather die than have my father listen to me cry on the phone.

“I'm here because you beat me so badly, I had a broken rib. I'm here because you took it too far. You think I want to be here? With Sophia? Well, guess what? That woman may be gutter trash, but she doesn't beat me for fun, father.”

There's silence, except for the grinding of my teeth. He clicks his tongue, annoyed at my tirade.

“Fine. If you must continue to rebel against me, go ahead. You have until graduation. Then you're coming home and going to college here. A son needs to be near his father.” Click. He hangs up.

I throw my phone at the dash, and it hits with a loud bang, bouncing off it and landing on the floorboard.

“Fuck you!” I yell out, gripping at my hair and pulling hard.

There's so much hate... but for some reason, I still love him. How can I viscerally hate him but love him too? It doesn't make any sense. How can I love the man that hurts me? It's disgusting. Fucked up. Why am I like this? He has never been what a father should be. There's only ever been his displeasure, animosity, and anger towards me, and I don't understand where it comes from. I'm not a bad son. Sure, I get into trouble every once in a while, but it's insignificant, trivial stuff. So why does he treat me this way?

My cheeks feel wet. Teardrops run down my neck and into my shirt.

I start to laugh so I don’t sob, dropping my head back.

I thought I was better than this. Crying because of him? I haven’t done this in ages. My phone vibrates from the floor. Not broken then. Picking it up, I swipe my code and blink through the watery vision to see a text from Noel.

It’s a picture of Shinso Kendo from Commander Kendo Demon Assassin , holding a sword high above him with the caption: Don’t allow the option of giving up, deter you. Choose to fight!

I sniffle, wiping my face as I huff a laugh, a smile forming slowly on my wet face. No fucking way. It’s a powerful quote from our anime. And just this one simple thing has already shifted my mood, giving me some kind of hope.

I almost sent a picture back of a hentai girl holding up heart hands, but that doesn't convey at all what I feel. How do I let him know without exposing myself that I need his stupid little texts and his obsessive anime ramblings to keep me sane? That this quote probably saved me from spiraling tonight.

I text back, I love that quote.

It doesn’t show half of what I want to say, but it’s vulnerable and honest .

He responds back, me too.

I wipe away my tears and go inside my house, where it's dark and silent. Today is my eighteenth birthday, and this is my celebration. A cold, dark house.

I’m officially an adult. So why do I still feel like I'm a kid, alone, afraid, and at my breaking point?

Happy birthday to me, I think to myself as I stand alone in my kitchen. I stare down at my phone in my palm and read Noel’s text again.

My chest doesn’t feel so empty when I have Noel to breathe life back into me.