Page 47 of Cueball & Double-Z (Alpha’s Rejects #5)

When I’d first taken the chaos brothers into my home, I’d never expected that I’d be fucking them…

No. It wasn’t fucking. Loving on them. And I was falling hard and way too fast. It was slightly terrifying.

A lot terrifying. Where had my caution gone?

Where had my protective walls gone? My sense of self-preservation?

Oh. Yes. Double-Z happened. The two young men had been sent to me to help me heal.

As I lay there in bed, I wondered if Shane had guided them my way.

I wasn’t sure if there was a god, souls, or what.

But the timing had been… strangely coincidental.

Right on the anniversary of his death, I stumbled into Gio.

He’d been so angry, so much like I’d been when I first lost Shane. And Cole, my ot her half. My guilt.

I couldn’t ignore the signs or that they were meant for me, placed in my life to heal, and heal I did.

I wasn’t all better. Therapy was in my future as soon as I got the balls to find a decent doctor.

Because if I wanted to do right by these two special men, they needed all of me healed.

I’d never be the same as I was before, but Gio and Cole showed me I could find love and happiness again.

That we weren’t destined for only one person.

There would always be fear that something would happen to them, which was why I could never try to be a therapist again.

All that education. All those student loans that I’d have to pay off for the rest of my life.

All of it, only to fail at something I’d spent most of my adult life studying.

No, it was out of the question. What I did for a living no longer mattered.

As long as I could contribute to the community and improve a few lives, even if only temporarily, it would be enough.

Cole rolled over onto his side, snuggling into me. His fingers rested on my chest, twitching in his sleep. I smiled down at him and kissed his head. Then I looked at Gio, who was also conked out, snoring lightly. He, too, rolled over and pulled Cole against him as if he were drawn like a magnet.

A surge of growing feelings for them started consuming me. They were so beautiful. Not in the supermodel sense, and while they were attractive, it was on the inside that mattered the most. They were such good souls. Loving. Caring. Empathetic.

Cole would try to convince me to go back to my career goals. Cole would push Gio, too. To find something he loved to do. It was he who would hold us together. He was the Band-Aid . And he sure handled his guilt better than I had, and I’d been trained for that shit.

Some would say he hadn’t coped well because he couldn’t speak because of his trauma, but I disagreed.

Cole did cope. Yes, he stopped talking because of his trauma, but he did what he could to keep moving forward.

He adapted to his wrecked world, eventually growing to accept that he couldn’t talk and lived with it.

Gone was his anxiety, as far as I could tell.

Or he hid it well, but I didn’t think so.

Cole was an open book. Gio was, too, but not intentionally.

Meanwhile, I hadn’t moved on. I just lived in limbo, simply existing. Now I had two men who needed me, allowing me to move on and finally let Shane go. It was my time to adapt and accept. Funny how I learned something from someone so young.

I eased out of bed, unable to sleep. I was seeing my parents tomorrow, and it was stressing me out, even after all that great sex earlier.

After pulling on a pair of underwear, padding out of my room, and closing the door quietly behind me, I went into the kitchen, opened the drawer where I kept my smokes and a lighter, and grabbed them.

In the spare bedroom, I opened the window and climbed out to sit on the fire escape.

When I sat down on the cold metal, I lit a smoke and took a drag.

The late May evening was warm enough to sit outside without a shirt. It was late enough that there wasn’t much traffic, so it was almost peaceful.

Movement suddenly caught my eye, and a blond head popped through the window. “Sorry if I woke you,” I said.

‘I missed your body,’ he signed. ‘You okay?’

“Yeah, I’m good. Just couldn’t sleep.”

Cole straddled my lap, facing me, and rested his hands on my shoulders. He looked at me with his see-through-your-soul eyes. Then he signed, ‘You’re nervous.’

I huffed a humorless laugh and took another drag, exhaling away from him. “Yeah, I am. It’s been a long time.”

‘You can do this. Gio and I will be there.’

I pressed my hand to his cheek, and he smiled, leaning into the touch. “I know you will. Thank you.”

Cole grabbed my face with two hands and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead before twisting around and curling up on me.

I held him as I smoked. We didn’t say anything as I got lost in my thoughts about what I was going to say the next day.

Then Gio climbed out of the window. I huffed another laugh, but was filled with so much love for the chaos brothers.

He came to sit next to us, kissing the top of Cole’s head.

“Nervous?”

A smile curled on my lips. We hadn’t been together very long, but my boys knew how to read me. They were the only ones who really could. Then again, I let them in. No more walls. No more hiding. I had to give them all of myself.

“Very. ”

“I’m sure they’ll forgive you.”

I nodded and took another drag. “Maybe. It’s my brother I’m worried about the most. We used to be close until…” I just let it hang. They didn’t need to hear the story again.

“He’ll forgive you, too.”

We’ll see , I thought, but I didn’t say it out loud.

We hired a ride-and-share to the house in Bethesda.

My old house. The house I’d lived in my entire life until college.

When the driver pulled up to the old rambler in yellow with white trim and a black door, I was hit with years of nostalgia.

Gardening with Mom. Mowing the yard every weekend.

Learning how to fix cars with Dad in the driveway.

Playing kickball and football in the street with the neighborhood kids.

My brother and I, wrestling and roughhousing in the thick grass.

Life in that house had been good. Really good.

Unlike the Rejects’ families, my parents had done their best with Hugo and me.

They raised us with loving care and acceptance.

It was one of the reasons why my brother and I had been so successful in school.

My brother, who was two years older than me, went on to be a cardiologist. I’d been so proud of him when he went into med school.

I only knew what he did with his education because my mom would leave voicemail messages on my phone, sharing stories about the family, hoping and wishing that one day I’d pick up the phone.

My hands grew clammy, and my heart raced as I was flooded with memories and guilt. Guilt was like a familiar friend, since I’d had it for so long. No, not a friend. A bully who pretended to be your friend and tormented you when no one was looking. An abuser. I was my own abuser. My own worst enemy.

Someone slid their hand into mine. Probably Cole. It was so like him. I looked down to find him looking up at me with an encouraging smile, telling me I could do this without saying a word.

I nodded and stepped onto the walkway with Gio close at my other side. When we reached the front door, I took a deep breath and knocked. They knew I was coming, but still …

The door flung open, and without preamble, my mother lunged at me, crying. God, even after all these years, she loved me unconditionally. She always had, even when I came out as queer as a kid.

“Mijo,” she said wetly, her arms encircling me. I wrapped my arms around her, too, and rested my head on top of hers. She was a tall woman, but not even close to my height. That was all Dad. But she had an inch or two on Cole.

“Hi, Mom.”

She stood straight, sniffled, and looked up at me through wet, dark brown eyes.

I swallowed thickly, looking at her, scanning her, remembering how much I loved her.

Her dark brown hair, threaded with more gray than the last time I saw her, was pinned neatly back into a ponytail.

She looked older. Both of my parents were in their sixties, and she’d definitely aged since I last saw her.

Mom gripped my arms before placing a hand on my face.

“Look at you. So handsome and healthy. Thank god.”

Her eyes dropped as she looked at my guys.

“This is Gio and Cole. They’re mine. We’re together.” I figured it was best to get that out there immediately, so I could take out all the guesswork. Not only that, but Cole and Gio needed to understand how committed I was to them.

She wiped her face of tears and smiled at them. “Hello, boys. Come in—all of you. We can talk in the kitchen. I have some fresh coffee brewing and some cinnamon rolls I made.”

Cole and Gio said their hellos and followed me as I stepped inside, greeted by familiar scents of home and nostalgia.

The house hadn’t changed at all. The walls were still painted a cream color, covered in photos of Hugo and me growing up.

The same traditional yet comfortable furniture was scattered in the living room and dining room.

“Your father will be down shortly. He’s showering. He was on the road all night to get here on time.”

My dad was a truck driver. Not for the company I worked for. He’d been doing it as long as I could remember, often gone for long periods. But when he was home, he made sure to stay connected to his sons, spending time with us before he was on the road again.

“So, ah, are you still teaching?” I winced at the stupid small talk. God, it wasn’t like me to sound so uncertain and insecure. Despite years of pain, I’d always come across as confident and strong. At least, that was what I showed the outside world.