Page 18 of Cueball & Double-Z (Alpha’s Rejects #5)

Aiden hadn’t been much easier on me. While he wasn’t stupid, he wasn’t the most emotionally intelligent, so he was easier to control. He also enjoyed being controlled, so I molded him to fit my life, not the other way around. Still, he’d been fucking work. Not as much as these chaos brothers.

Gio stood there, finding an interesting spot on the floor, with sagging shoulders.

His hair, threaded with copper, fell in his face, and I hated how it matched the color of Shane’s hair.

It was hard to ignore the signs, no matter how much I tried.

I knew he was torn. I understood it all too well.

He wanted to be the provider, not me. He wanted to take care of Cole, and he felt like he wasn’t doing his part.

His life was out of control, and he struggled to put it into some semblance of order.

I related to that so much. Then there was the new information that I’d gathered.

He was in love with Cole, which probably exacerbated his emotional collapse, turning him into a snarling dog because he had nothing else to lash out at.

Cole inched his way toward Gio, like approaching a rabid animal.

He lifted the backpack from him and set it on the floor in the corner.

Then he gently took his hand. Gio glanced up at Cole underneath his thick lashes, looking like he was barely holding it together.

But there was love in his eyes, too. So much affection.

At that moment, I knew if something were to ever happen to Cole, Gio would never recover .

Cole tugged on him, leading him toward the kitchen. He dropped his hand, pulled out the stool, and grabbed the leftover sandwich, opening the deli paper wrapper.

Gio sat there, staring at his food as Cole rested his head on his stepbrother’s shoulder.

Cole was Gio’s glue. Cole was the one who kept Gio going and from falling apart.

I had to admit that they were fascinating to watch.

Maybe not to others looking in, but they were to me.

I had no idea what had happened to them that’d sent them down this path, landing in my lap.

But they were together through thick and thin.

The loss of one would destroy the other.

The two young men were connected in a profound way that I doubted even they understood.

‘I found a job,’ Cole signed, still resting his head on Gio’s shoulder.

“Oh, yeah?”

‘Yes. I make sandwiches. It pays thirteen dollars an hour. The boss is really nice.’

“I’m so proud of you, Cole.”

I quietly left them to do their thing and headed to my bedroom, falling into my bed and closing my eyes.

Three more days .

I could handle three more days, right?

Yeah, right .

Tomorrow morning would be another dreaded day, and one I didn’t look forward to. I felt the walls closing in on me. The suffocating walls that slowly inched closer, and no matter how hard you pressed against them with all your strength, they wouldn’t stop.

With a frustrated groan, I sat up and pulled out the knitting I’d been working on, needing to drown out the impending anxiety that Cole had tugged out of me earlier without even trying.

It was early morning when I stepped out of my bedroom to make some coffee, doing my best to ignore what day it was. A day so close to the one that changed me forever.

As I headed to the bathroom, I stopped at the cracked door to Cole and Gio’s room. Temporary room. I needed to remind myself of that.

I peeked through the door, feeling like some creepy voyeur.

They faced each other in sleep, arms tangled together, clinging as if they were afraid one of them would vanish in the night.

Gio was facing the door, and Cole’s back was to me.

Gio appeared so relaxed. So at ease. Yes, sleep did that, but it really softened his features.

They looked so beautiful together. Angels.

Again, my mind wandered to fate and destiny.

Were they sent to me? Part of that was why I was reluctant to let them go.

But I had to. I wasn’t ready. Maybe I never would be.

Still, I couldn’t pull my eyes away from their beauty.

Beautiful in a way that goodness shines through from the soul.

Not the attractive kind, which they were.

How could they not know their love for each other? How, with the way they held on to each other?

Double-Z. Chaos brothers.

Gio suddenly stirred, pulled away, and rolled over. My breath caught, and my heart raced, that I’d almost been caught. I stepped away and pulled the door tightly closed.

After making coffee and having a shower, Cole and Gio still weren’t up yet, so I headed out into the overcast and frigid day.

Ice was expected later tonight, then possibly turn to snow, making driving and walking dangerous.

I probably should’ve volunteered at the shelter, but I felt it best to spend time with Double-Z.

As soon as the phone store opened, I purchased a smartphone and put it on my network. I knew buying the phone was to assuage my guilt when I finally let them move on. Let them down. Turned them away. Abandoned them.

It seemed over the top to pay for internet service for them, though limited, but I didn’t want them out there alone with no way to communicate with the outside world. What if an emergency happened in the middle of the night after everything was closed?

Maybe I’d give them an extra blanket. It was the best I could do .

Despite making coffee at home earlier, I grabbed three cups of freshly brewed coffee and some pastries at the coffee shop down the street and headed back home.

I’d only been gone an hour when I walked inside my apartment, noticing Gio and Cole were still asleep. I put their coffee cups in the microwave to keep warm and the pastries on the counter. After removing my shoes, I sat on the sofa, stretching my legs out onto the coffee table.

My phone suddenly buzzed with a text, and my gut instantly bottomed out. Resting my head on the back of the couch, I closed my eyes, willing them to stop texting me. As always, they did what they always did, so I knew there would be several texts waiting for me.

Soon, Cole came out, his blond hair askew, rubbing his eyes and yawning. He wore sleep shorts and a huge purple T-shirt. When he saw me, he waved and skipped into the kitchen.

My breathing and heart kicked up for some reason.

A reason I needed to ignore. But it was hard to take my eyes off him.

He reminded me so much of Shane, though they looked nothing alike.

Their vibrancy and energy were the same.

Shane had been fucking life. Sunshine. He and Cole were both beautiful in their own way.

“There’s coffee in the microwave for you and some pastries.”

He smiled brightly and gestured, ‘Thank you,’ grabbing his cup.

He turned on the TV and video game console, and then he came to sit next to me.

Right next to me. Practically on top of me, without sitting on my lap.

My body reacted to the touch. It’d been a long time since anyone had touched me that wasn’t a simple handshake or a pat on the back.

Aiden hugged me once, which was really awkward.

He wasn’t exactly a hugger. I used to be. I used to love it.

Cole seemed to be very touchy. His nearness reminded me how touch-starved I was. Yes, it was of my own doing, but it was easy to forget about it until someone was as near to me as he was. But I didn’t ask him to move.

He put his cup on the table, then grabbed the controller, turning on The Last of Us , playing where he’d left off.

Cole brought his knees up, toes curling around the cushions, and leaned his back against me as he played. I hadn’t played a game since Aiden had lived here. He enjoyed it, so I played with him. I should’ve given him the damn thing when he moved out, but I was now glad I hadn’t.

I looked down at him, so much smaller than me in height and weight. “How old are you, Cole?” I asked out of the blue.

He paused his game and signed, ‘20.’

He looked younger. How much younger was he than Gio? It was hard to tell how old Gio was because of the hardness in his face. Regardless, he was a lot younger than I.

As he continued to play, I lifted my phone. With a deep breath and a slow exhale, I opened it to read the text—the same text, or similar, to the ones I received this time every year.

Mom: Mijo. Happy birthday.

Mom: I don’t know if you get my messages.

Mom: Just tell me you’re okay. Please. It’s been years now. The only thing telling me you live is that you read my messages.

Mom: I miss you. I love you.

Mom: I’m waiting for you.

I knew her words would feel like a throat punch. They were every year. After that hell seven years ago, I became a virtual hermit. Hell, I still was. I couldn’t bring myself to reach out to my family. The guilt of how I treated them… the abandonment.

The truth was that I was a fucking coward.

The pain had been so overwhelming that I did everything I could to keep from reliving it.

‘It’s your birthday,’ Cole signed. Fuck, I hadn’t realized I left my phone where he could see the messages.

“No.”

‘Yes, it is. Your mom says so. She would know. She gave birth to you.’ He looked up at me and grinned as he elbowed my ribs playfully. Then he frowned, probably from the look on my face.

‘Bad day?’

Jesus… I was a goddamn open book around Cole. Instead of lying, I just nodded. “Not really on my birthday, but… It’s comp licated.”

He rested his head on my shoulder and kept playing, not pushing me. I was grateful for it.

Suddenly, Gio came out of the room and went straight to the kitchen until he stopped at the sight of Cole and me and our nearness.

“It’s nothing,” I said to stave off any conflict.

Cole signed. ‘Cueball feels bad today.’

Day four.

Four days.

I wasn’t going to fucking make it.