Page 30 of Cueball & Double-Z (Alpha’s Rejects #5)

Once my distraction was over, my mind was drowning in pain and loneliness.

I almost headed straight back to Marco’s place to grab Cole, but I found the willpower from somewhere and headed outside into the cold instead.

It was just getting dark out, so I’d have time to find a shelter if I needed it, and maybe grab some dinner there.

And not the shelter where Marco volunteered. No way. Fuck him.

I lit a smoke and headed toward my car. When I looked up from lighting my cigarette, the breath whooshed out of me, and my knees nearly buckled. I blinked a few times to make sure I wasn’t seeing things.

Cueball. Marco.

Once I got past the shock, rage hit.

What the fuck was he doing there?

Stupid question. He was there because I’d left Cole behind. He was probably going to bitch at me for hoping he’d watch over Cole. I wasn’t changing my mind.

Marco was leaning against my car, his broad arms folded against his chest. He wore a coat, but had his usual beanie off. There was nothing on his face, as usual. Fucking robot. God, did he not feel anything ? He didn’t look angry, happy, or annoyed. Fuck, it was hard to read him.

And I hated how good he looked. I hated that he was attractive. Cole had been the only guy I’d ever been attracted to… until there was Marco. And that just fueled my anger at him.

I looked around the parking lot, but couldn’t see Cole anywhere. “Where is he?” I asked, taking a long pull from my cigarette, blowing out a stream of smoke, doing my best indifferent impression, trying to mirror Marco. Yeah, right. I was fucking dying inside.

“He’s understandably upset,” he said, not answering my question.

I shuffled my foot over the gravel in the parking lot as the guilt tried to consume me. Knowing I’d done the right thing helped keep it at bay. “Yeah, well… he’s better off, man.”

“Bullshit.”

My fist clenched along with my jaw. “You know what? Fuck you! You come into our lives, give us a place to stay, get us to trust you, and then you kick us out. Just like that. Over a fucking accident. I get it, dude. You ‘ need your damn space. ’” I thumbed behind me, taking another drag of my smoke.

“But Cole? He deserves the fucking world. Shelter. Care. Love. Success.”

Marco was unmovable. Unchanged. Frustrating as hell. “You already give him those things.”

I scoffed. “I give him fuckin’ shit.” With a sigh, I ran a hand through my hair, but it just fell back in my face again, so I tucked the strands behind my ears.

“Just… watch over him. Please. I don’t wanna beg, but he’s better off with you.

He takes up little space and money. Get over the fuckin’ picture, man. He learned his lesson.”

Marco stood tall and slowly ambled his way toward me and stopped just inches away, hovering above me.

Towering. At least half a foot taller than me.

His amber eyes glowed in the waning sunlight.

If he wanted me to back down, he could kiss off.

He couldn’t intimidate me. “Cole needs you. And you need him. You two will not do well without the other.”

I felt the rage boil inside me. What did he know? What was his fucking point? I couldn’t take care of Cole as I should. Why couldn’t Marco see that? Why couldn’t he see Cole was better off without me? I was a fucking disaster. A waste. I was in everyone’s fucking way.

I tossed my half-smoked cigarette on the ground, stepped on it, then paced.

“This isn’t about need , dammit! Fuck what I need or want.

He’ll adapt and survive better without me.

This isn’t an opinion. It’s a fact !” I pointed at my head repeatedly as I looked at him, still pacing.

“You’re so fuckin’ smart, right? See shit?

Why can’t you see that? Huh? You’re so blind all up in your own shit that you keep so close, you can’t see the disaster that I fuckin’ am? ”

“Bullshit,” Marco said again, so calmly. Too calmly. But it only enraged me more.

“Bullshit? Bullshit ? You’re bullshit! You got me to trust you, then you made me feel… feel…” My eyes stung, and I pinched my nose to stop the impending tears. Not in front of him.

“Betrayed.”

That stopped me. I looked at him and nodded before sighing, suddenly feeling exhausted after my long and emotional day. “Yeah. But whatever. I get it. You made no promises to us… only gave us hope. Too much hope. I hated it at first, you know. That it wasn’t me who did that. But Cole was so happy.”

Marco placed his large hands on my shoulders and pulled me into him, holding me tight, but I didn’t want to be fucking held.

I wanted him to go the fuck away so I could wallow alone.

Because I was going to fucking break if he didn’t let go.

I hit his chest. Punched it. I pushed him back, wiggling out of his grasp, but he didn’t let go.

“Let me go!”

“No.”

“Fuck you!”

“I’m sorry, Gio. I’m so sorry.”

“Let me go!” I demanded again, trying to free myself from his iron hold .

“Listen. Listen to me. You’re right. I gave you hope, then I dumped my trauma on you, forcing you to make a hard choice. That’s on me.”

My body froze as my eyes welled, and my lip quivered. I was goddamn-motherfucking sick of crying. I was fucking tired of hurting, struggling, fighting… I was exhausted down to my fucking soul.

“I’m so tired…” I rasped as the tears spilled.

“It hurts. I know, beautiful. The constant sense of failure. Looking back at what else you could have done. What led you onto the path you’re on?

What if you’d made different choices? Would your life be better?

Would it be worse? Would it have made a bit of fucking difference?

God, I think about that every damn day. Every. Single. Day.”

I looked up at him, his arms still holding me close to him, while I fought holding him back, my fingers gripping his wool coat.

His body was so solid and comforting… safe.

He shouldn’t feel safe at all. But he did, even if I felt betrayed, too.

Those strange eyes of his, flickering with emotion, he rarely showed. “You… failed?”

He let out a loud sigh, loosened one of his arms around me, and fingered back my fallen bangs. He’d never touched me like that. Like I meant something to him. Why ?

“Yes, in so many fucking ways. I’m not sure I can talk about it, but I’m going to try. Not now. Not here. But I will. For now, I’m here to take you home. Back home with me and Cole.”

“Home?” The word nearly choked out of me.

“Yes, you’re not leaving. You and Cole will stay with me for as long as you need to.

I’m so sorry I lashed out at you both. That’s my burden.

My trauma. It doesn’t belong to you. You shouldn’t have had to suffer from it.

I’m so fucking sorry for my reaction. It was just…

it cut fresh and deep. But again, that’s my issue. Not yours.”

The pain and stress of the past day, days, weeks, months… fuck, years , evaporated. At least for now.

Home. Home.

If I had a home with Cole, it would all be okay. It showed how important having shelter was—having a roof over your head. Not having that safety was claustrophobic. Slightly terrifying. Definitely depressing. It made me feel… helpless. Out of control.

My head fell forward onto his chest as he rubbed my back and rested his head on mine.

Comfort and safety. I craved this feeling more than I could breathe.

Then I let it out. All out. Every single pain I’d suffered for years from my grief to my failures.

Marco held me as I sobbed all over him. Tears and snot all over his coat.

I wanted to have hope, but I was so afraid of it.

Hope had been so fleeting for the past few years.

I wanted it, but it scared me. I had hope for Cole and me while staying with Marco for the first time in so long. Then he told us to go.

Soon, I started to calm down, yet my heart continued to race. At least I could breathe again, and the tears stopped. Kind of. I didn’t know how long he held me while I clung to him, sniffling. Time just stopped when he showed up.

My breath caught, and my already racing heart skyrocketed, hammering against my chest. He’d just kissed my head.

He kissed it. Why? First, the hair fingering.

Then the kiss. I looked up at him in shock, mixed with all my other struggling emotions, making me even more fucking confused.

Then he surprised me again by wiping away my tears with his thumbs as he held my face in his two large hands.

“You’re a beautiful soul, Gio, and you have no fucking idea. I see it. Cole sees it. You’re the only one who doesn’t.”

He looked down at me with kind eyes. Tender eyes.

Looking at me as if I actually mattered to him.

Did I? He made me feel that way. All that shit that went down last night became a wisp of a memory.

It was no longer tangible as he stared into my eyes.

Usually, I would’ve looked away, feeling uncomfortable, but he was trying to tell me something. What?