Page 26 of Cueball & Double-Z (Alpha’s Rejects #5)

“Yeah, we’re fuckin’ outta here,” Gio said. He was so angry while I was fucking panicking. I didn’t want to go back out there. I wanted to stay here with the two men I cared about the most.

I thought for sure Marco would let us stay. But then I blew it by snooping around for a radio. I hadn’t meant to, but it was too late. The damage was done.

I fought Gio off, and he let me go, allowing me to sign again and tell Marco how sorry I was. To please let us stay. He couldn’t even look at us. He wouldn’t look at us as he headed back into his room, shutting the door behind him.

The tears suddenly spilled, and my lip quivered, trying to hold it in and be brave, but I desperately wanted to stay.

I loved it here. Marco needed us too. He was fighting something, but I wasn’t sure exactly what.

We were clearly making things worse for him, but we could help him if he’d let us in. He didn’t have to be alone anymore.

My head dropped, staring at my now silent hands in my lap, wishing with every fiber of my being that I could talk. It’d been so long that I wasn’t even sure my throat even worked anymore to form words.

Then the sobs came. If I could speak, I knew I could convince Marco to let us stay.

I knew it. I wanted to be with him as more than a roommate.

And he made Gio happier, even for a little while.

It gave Gio breathing room, allowing him not to stress out so much.

So much of my old Gio had returned. Now he was back to being angry.

In truth, I wanted them both. That one fantasy I had a while ago wouldn’t leave my head.

I imagined us as a happy family who loved each other and made love together.

We all needed that. I felt it so deep in my bones.

Dammit! I should have said something before now and opened up to Gio and Marco about how I felt. Now it was too late.

Gio growled and stood as soon as he saw me crying.

“Fuckingdammitmotherfucker!”

He stood and stormed over to Marco’s door, pounding on it.

“You know what, Cueball ? Fuck you! Thanks for your help and all, but we weren’t in the fucking way. We were contributing. Now Cole is crying, and for that… Yeah, fuck you! We don’t need your ass anyway. We’ve always been fine without you! Cole and I are better off alone together. Asshole.”

Gio slammed a fist on the door, making me jump, before he headed to our shared room.

He didn’t mean his words. He was just angry and frustrated. But Marco was right. At the end of the day, we were only meant to be temporary. He’d never lied to us. He never told us we could stay.

So why did it feel like we were being abandoned?

I quickly wiped my face and tried to be brave. There was no other choice. I turned off my game and the TV before heading to the bedroom. I found Gio not even bothering to fold clothes as he shoved them into our suitcases.

“We’re leaving first thing in the morning,” he rasped, his voice quavering, holding in all that rage. He literally punched a T-shirt into the suitcase. All his muscles were flexed and tense. His hair was a wreck, and he kept shoving it out of his face, growling each time in annoyance.

This wasn’t sustainable. His anger. My fears. The uncertainty of our futures. I didn’t want to live life each day as if it could be our last.

“And fuck you for making Cole cry,” Gio yelled at the wall so Marco could hear him.

I hated leaving, but a part of me understood why Marco needed us to go.

He was breaking, and he didn’t want us to see it.

He fought it. I could see that tonight in his room, even with his back turned to me.

I could’ve been there for him through it all, and I knew Gio would have, too.

He’d really grown to like Marco. But all that had changed. It was all my fault. Again.

I stepped in front of Gio, using my hands to explain that Marco was hurting, too. He wasn’t trying to hurt us.

Gio placed his hands on the sides of my shoulders and moved me out of the way. “Yeah? Well, we’re all fucking hurting. Life is fucking painful, Cole. You should know that by now.”

I tried to lighten the moment, needing Gio to focus, even if my soul was crushed.

To remind him we’d be okay, despite having my own doubts.

I playfully slapped his arm with the back of my hand to get his attention.

When he looked at me with his hard and cold blue eyes, I signed, ‘You have zero brain cells.’ I put on a smile I didn’t feel.

When he kept looking at me, not saying anything, the dread in my stomach felt heavy. He had to say it. He had to say it to tell me he was okay. We had to be okay.

‘Say it,’ I signed.

“I’m not in the mood.”

My eyes watered, and my heart raced. His brows furrowed, and he glanced away to hide his guilt. It was the first time he’d never said it back to me. I smacked him harder this time. ‘Say it!’

“I’m sorry, Cole.”

That was the moment when I knew nothing would be okay.

“No! Please,” I said out loud.

Gio’s eyes grew wide at hearing my words. “Cole…”

“No! ”

I tried to hide my sob, as I ran out of there and straight into the bathroom before he could stop me.

After slamming the door, I gripped the sides of the porcelain pedestal sink and stared into the water-stained mirror.

My eyes were red and wet, the tears streaming.

I furrowed my brows and begged my fucking brain and throat to cooperate with each other.

I love you .

I mouthed the words, and a little sound came out.

Come on! You just said words! Use your fucking voice! If they hear you speak. If they knew how hard you’ve tried to talk to them, they’d love you back, and Marco would want us to stay .

I wasn’t in love with Marco, but I knew I could be.

I wanted him. He was someone I could see myself being in a relationship with.

Same with Gio. But Gio was too angry, frustrated, and demoralized to notice.

All I wanted was for these two hurt men to be happy.

Love would do that. I knew it deep down in my soul.

I had to tell them… using my voice. Then everything would be okay.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and exhaled loudly. Then I opened them and watched myself fail at speaking. Failing over and over.

I love you.

Feeling deflated and pathetic, I came out of the bathroom and headed into the bedroom, where I found Gio standing there, smoking out of the window. He’d been smoking less, but now he was starting up again.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

I said nothing as I curled onto my side in the bed, facing away from him. The depression was growing and suffocating. Feelings I hadn’t experienced in a long time. I didn’t like it one fucking bit. But who the hell did? Gee, I feel great because I’m depressed today .

Gio walked over and squatted in front of me, so I slammed my eyes closed.

His fingers ran through my hair, brushing it away from my wet face before they trailed along my cheek, wiping away my tears. “I’m so sorry, Cole.”

I nodded, still not looking at him, my eyes squeezed tightly.

“It’s not just anger at having to leave and live in the car again, which isn’t Marco’s fault, but mine.

But I’d finally started having hope. You were thriving, and not because of me.

Because of him . At first, I was fuckin’ jealous of that.

But your happiness is more important. Now, I’m angry because he gave you hope and made you happy, giving you what I couldn’t.

Then he turns around and shoves it back in your face.

Over what? A fuckin’ picture you found by accident?

Fuck that. I’m not only angry about that, but… ”

He sighed, his breath puffing across my face. My eyes opened, and I signed, ‘But what?’

Gio rested his head against my forehead before kissing it, smelling of cigarettes and his body wash.

“I opened up to him, ya know? I haven’t opened up to anyone in a long time.

Sometimes, I hold out even from you. I told him our story.

A little bit of it, anyway. There’s somethin’ about Marco that makes you want to open up, even if you fuckin’ fight it. I trusted him.”

I huffed a humorless laugh and nodded. Marco was closed off—a brick wall. But Gio was right. He had this way about him that made you want him to know you. He had a good heart and didn’t want to hurt us, but his pain ended up doing just that. It got in the way. Still, I couldn’t blame him.

“I feel…” Gio sighed again. “I feel a little betrayed. Here I opened up, and it’s like he turned around and stomped on my trust.” I could definitely see where Gio was coming from.

“The most important thing is that you’re happy, Cole.

I’ve done my best with you, but… I’m fuckin’ failing so hard. I took our stay here for granted.”

Warm tears hit my face, pulling mine out some more. Gio rarely cried. He used his pain to mask his hurt. If he was crying, he must feel… hopeless. And that was a dangerous mix.

I moved him away and quickly sat up to argue, but Gio gripped my hands together and shook his head.

“Don’t. Don’t argue with me. Don’t deny it.

It’s true.” I hated when he held my hands still.

If I could talk, he wouldn’t have been able to stop me.

Then he breathed out a rough and humorless laugh.

“I suck at this adulting shit. M-maybe I’m just not meant to… ”

“What?”

His smile was sad as he ran fingers through my hair again, his eyes wet and in pain. “Nothin’. It’s nothin’.”

I didn’t believe him. Gio did nothing in small measure. He wore his heart and emotions on his sleeve, even when he tried to hide them. And he had big emotions. I knew they overwhelmed him sometimes .

I insisted he explain, but he ignored me as he stood and finished packing his things. So, I stood too and packed my clothes and shit.

“Mom?” I call out.

I hug myself, lost in a sea of people. They bump into me as if they’re oblivious that I’m standing there in the middle of the sidewalk.

I’m in a city I don’t recognize, the tall buildings looking more like monsters than architecture.

Despite the chaos, there’s no noise. It’s completely silent, like I’m deaf, but I know I’m not because I can hear myself calling for her.

“Mom!”

The people are faceless and slightly terrifying. The more they surround me, the more panicked I get. I’m frozen as the world moves around me, uncaring.

“Mom! Where are you?”

She was just there, holding my hand. Now she’s gone.

Suddenly, I’m about five years old. I can’t see over the people’s heads. I’m afraid to walk, but I do, pushing myself forward against the crowd. What if I’m walking in the wrong direction? What if Mom is behind me?

I turned around to look. My heart and breathing stop when I see complete blackness. The people and the city are gone, replaced by a void.

“Mom?”

My voice is now near panic.

I spin around, looking for any source of light or sound. There! A pinprick of light in the distance. I head in that direction. Soon, I’m running toward it as it grows bigger and bigger.

The light rushes at me in a blink, and I suddenly find myself trapped by the seatbelt in the backseat. It’s crushing my chest, which aches. My leg is in pain, stuck underneath Mom’s seat.

She’s there, her blond hair covered in blood. She’s not moving. Gino’s dark brown hair is also covered in blood. He slowly reaches for Mom’s hand and holds it before he drops it in death .

They’re both dead.

I cry out for them, for help, for anyone to save them. But there’s no one. Just me and my grief.

My fault. All my fault.

I sob, but nothing comes out but silence.

I bolt upright, my heart trying to explode out of my chest. Tears stream down my face, and I brusquely wipe them away. Annoyed with them. So tired of feeling like that.

Fucking nightmare .

I hadn’t had one of those for a while, bringing back all that pain and grief. Just when I thought I was finally pushing past it, it came flooding back.

I wasn’t stupid. The nightmare had a lot to do with my fear of going back to living in our car. But there wasn’t anything we could do about it. We’d just have to suck it up and hope for the best, save our money, and get a new place.

I looked over to the other side of the bed, the moon casting a glow through the blinds.

Empty.

I looked around the room, but I couldn’t see him, so I flipped on the lamp next to the bed, the light blinding me for a moment. I blinked them until they adjusted and looked around the room again.

That was when I noticed Gio wasn’t the only thing missing. All his stuff was gone.

“Gio!” I cried out.