Page 44 of Cueball & Double-Z (Alpha’s Rejects #5)

I nodded, confident in my decision. I was so ready to do more with my life. The idea had been fluttering around in my brain recently, but I hadn’t thought deeply about it until we just sat down to talk. ‘I can start with online classes. Work my way up. ’

“I think that would suit you perfectly, Cole.” Then Marco looked at Gio. “What about you, beautiful?”

I felt Gio shrug behind me as he slipped a hand underneath my T-shirt, his hand warm and calloused.

“I don’t know. I can’t remember the last time I had goals other than to take care of Cole.

Before the accident, I’d only been waiting tables.

I don’t know. I’ve just never felt good enough—or smart enough—for more. ”

I twisted on his lap to face him, and Nada jumped off, giving me a baleful look for daring to interrupt her comfort before trotting off to the kitchen for a snack.

‘You’re so smart,’ I insisted. ‘You can do a lot. Don’t do that. Don’t say those things.’

“I have to agree with Cole. You’re not giving yourself enough credit.”

Gio looked up at me with dark blue eyes and touched my face. “You’ve always been my focus. It’s hard to think about myself sometimes.”

“Damn sacrificial bastard,” Marco said affectionately.

Gio smiled in return. “It’s worth it. Cole’s worth it.”

Marco grabbed Gio’s foot and started rubbing it. “So are you, dumbass.”

I gave Gio a quick kiss before signing, ‘You can have a life and me in it. You can have both.’

“Yeah, I’m kind of starting to believe that.”

“We can talk more about what you’d like to do later. We’ll figure it out,” Marco said.

I turned back around and got comfortable again. ‘What are your other plans?’ I asked Marco.

“I’m going to fix shit with my family first and foremost. When I go to visit them, will you both come with me?”

‘Definitely,’ I signed.

“What will they think about us… Cole and me? Being with you? Or are you going to…”

“They’ll know. I’ll tell them about you,” Marco insisted, grabbing Gio’s hand to hold.

“You and Cole won’t be a secret. Not one bit.

You’re part of my life now. They’ve always accepted my sexuality, and they’ll be fine with this, too.

They may question it. They may have concerns, but this will not be the final straw that gets them to turn their backs.

But… there is something else we need to talk about. ”

Marco reached over to me and plucked me off Gio, so that I was sitting on his lap instead.

He gently pinched my chin to keep me from looking away.

I swallowed the growing lump in my throat because he was about to tell me something I wouldn’t like.

Something heavy. I’d grown to understand Marco enough to know that he liked to tell harsh truths and could be blunt.

“Cole, I think you should seek some therapy. I can find someone for you. For you and Gio both. Not to get you talking, though it could help, but to discuss the guilt you have. I’m going to have to fix my guilt, too. You and I have been harboring our pain for far too long.”

I shook my head emphatically and signed, ‘No, they will tell me it’s not my fault when it is.’

He raised a thick brow. “Why would they tell you it’s not your fault? If you truly believe that it is, why assume that’s what they would say?”

That stopped me. I scrunched my brows and looked at Marco under my curtain of bangs that needed trimming again. ‘I don’t understand.’

“I think you do understand, sweetness. You’re intuitive.

If you believe what you say is true, that you have absolutely no doubts, a therapist will work with you to live with the guilt of causing two deaths.

They wouldn’t placate you.” Marco rested a large hand on my cheek to pull me to look at him.

I stared into his beautiful gemstones, glittering with intelligence, kindness, and patience.

“By you saying they’ll tell you it wasn’t your fault, then maybe somewhere in the back of your mind, you must have some doubts that it was. ”

Did I? No. ‘I say that because everyone tells me that,’ I explained. ‘I was there. You weren’t. Gio wasn’t.’

My eyes welled, and I tried to pull away. Why couldn’t they see that? Why couldn’t they accept my truth? ‘I don’t want to let it go, or them. I accept this life.’

How did I explain with hand gestures that I wasn’t like Marco?

We shared the grief and guilt, but differently.

Then it hit me. I reached for my phone sitting on the coffee table, swiped open my app, and typed out what I wanted to say.

My fingers flew over the letters until I finished, then I read back over it as my guys waited patiently and quietly.

When I was happy with my words, I pressed play, and a smooth, male-AI voice spoke my thoughts. It sounded pretty good, actually.

“My guilt is not like your guilt. You never accepted the outcome. You never moved on. Because you know deep down it wasn’t your fault, but you wanted it to be.

That’s where you and I are different. I’ve accepted my guilt and involvement in their deaths, and have learned to live with it and my inability to speak.

I’m comfortable with it. Does it hurt? Yes.

Always. But our parents deserve more than my pretending I had no involvement.

They deserve my truth. Shane had his own pain, and you can’t control everyone’s pain all the time, no matter how well you’re trained.

Mine was an accident I didn’t see coming, and I should’ve listened when I was told to settle down, but I didn’t.

We both have guilt, but we handle it differently. We’re not the same in this.”

Tears spilled down my face, and I heard Gio sniffling along. Hearing my words like that… it felt different, almost real. That was how good the voice was. “God, Cole… to hear you speak in a way. Fuck…” Gio said. “That app is amazing. I know it’s not your voice. I miss your voice. But that… wow.”

I reached for Gio’s outstretched hand and held it, then I looked at Marco, whose amber eyes were red-rimmed with unshed tears.

“As I said, you’re intuitive, Cole. I get what you’re saying.

And I will trust what you say. Gio needs to as well.

If you believe you’re at fault and there’s no doubt in your mind, then Gio and I have to accept that. ”

“I don’t,” Gio snapped. “Nope.”

Marco stared at him firmly. “You will. This is what Cole wants, and we need to respect that. He does seem okay, more than I am, anyway.”

He sighed when I tugged Gio to me. The three of us held each other in silence. I loved them both. So much. They only wanted what was best for me. How could I not love them for it? Even more so now that they’ve accepted me and respected my wishes, even if reluctantly.

I let them go and used my app again. “Marco, you need to seek help. We won’t be enough for you.

You know this. Gio, you can do amazing things, and you’re such a good person.

Both of you are. I want you to be happy.

You’re happy for now, but eventually, you’ll want more out of life.

Start now because I want a life with you both. Forever. I want us to work.”

Marco kissed my temple, and I leaned against him, resting my head on his shoulder before sitting up. ‘Can we have sex now?’ I signed before grabbing Gio’s hand again. I was only half joking. I wanted sex, but I also wanted to lighten the heavy mood.

Both men snorted a laugh and sniffled away tears.

“We can, sweetness. Just say when, and we can prepare for it.”

‘When.’