Page 21 of Cueball & Double-Z (Alpha’s Rejects #5)

It wouldn’t last long, though. Our days of skating there were numbered as the city had plans to revitalize the area. I wasn’t worried. There were plenty of abandoned buildings in Baltimore to choose from. We could rebuild. However, I wasn’t as attached to skating like the Rejects were.

After living in my apartment for nearly two weeks, I invited the chaos brothers to skate with my friends.

I wasn’t sure why, and perhaps it was a mistake.

It meant getting closer to them by allowing them to see my world outside of my apartment.

Fuck, I had no idea why I hadn’t kicked them out yet.

Guilt. No, it wasn’t just that. I’d actually grown to like them a lot despite the disruption of my life.

As if instinctively, Cole stepped back from his usual scrutiny and the asking of intrusive questions.

He probably didn’t want to upset the status quo.

I also hadn’t missed his growing attachment to me.

No, not just to me, but to Gio as well. Gio had relaxed and smiled more, especially right after our talk at the laundromat.

I had a glimpse of the young man he used to be, or I assumed to be, which, in turn, brought out the happiness in Cole.

He stopped walking on eggshells around Gio and being responsible for his emotions.

The Rejects were probably going to give me hell for this. They did love their ribbing. I wasn’t fond of the attention, but I also liked being around them. They were good people.

Cole walked into the building first, turned around, and, after tucking his board under his arm, he quickly signed, ‘I’ve never been here.’

“Have fun. There are some half-pipes you can skate on.”

Gio also looked more relaxed, his jaw no longer grinding his molars to dust as it had when we first met. Honestly, I almost hated how attractive it made him look when he was chill and happy. His eyes were brighter, too.

He pulled the hood of his hoodie off and looked around the place with wide, dark blue eyes under the thickest of lashes. Then he sniffed the air with his nose raised. “Mmm, weed. This place is pretty cool, man.”

I didn’t bother to bring my board, preferring to coast rather than go back and forth on the pipes. Not my thing.

“Come on. I’ll introduce you to the crew.”

“Your friends?” Gio asked.

“Yeah, I suppose so.”

“What does that even mean? ”

I sighed, debating about how much to tell him. I hadn’t really opened up to either of the chaos brothers, but I also wanted to give them something. “It just means I’ll always make myself an outsider.”

“Why would you do that?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said, pulling off my beanie and unbuttoning my coat. “They’re going to love you and Cole. They’ll take you into their little crew and dote on you. Everyone uses nicknames here, so I’ll introduce you using yours. Feel free to give them your real names if you want.”

When we walked further in, I found the Rejects sitting on blankets, drinking and snacking. It was cold as fuck in there, but not as cold as it was outside. It was still weird not to see them smoking like chimneys.

The first one to notice me was Aiden. He stood, jaw dropped, black eyes wide behind a curtain of long, black bangs. I knew how it looked, especially since I hadn’t given any warning that I was bringing Gio and Cole.

He headed my way and stopped, eyeing the brothers, back and forth, playing with the chain around his neck with ringed, tattooed fingers. He’d always gone overboard with the jewelry and tattoos, like he tried to change his very being, but it also fit him.

“Who’s this?” Aiden asked.

“The blond one here is Zilch. He can’t speak, but he can hear just fine. The other is Zero. They’re stepbrothers.”

Cole waved with a bright smile on his face.

Aiden twitched a smile and reached to shake Cole’s hand. “Nice to meet you, Zilch. I’m Aiden.” Then he shook Gio’s hand. “Welcome to Old Town Mall.” He looked at me with humor in his eyes. I could practically read the ribbing forming in that brain of his.

The Rejects surrounded Cole and Gio as I stood face-to-face with Aiden. “Taking in more strays?” he asked.

“You could say that,” I admitted. “Double-Z needed my help.”

Aiden smiled broadly, his black eyes gleaming. “Double-Z? Sounds like attachment to me.”

And there it was—the teasing. But I didn’t feed into it. He could have his fun.

The Rejects were, no doubt, curious about the new people with the loner and the outsider. The only ones who weren’t there were Alpha and Omega.

Of course, everyone came into it with their overbearing, loving selves, crowding in and introducing themselves. Cole ate up the attention while Gio was a little more wary, but remained relatively friendly.

When everyone’d had their fill, they sat back on the blankets. Some ran off to skate, along with the chaos brothers. And they were chaotic. Not in the hyper sense, but in the ‘ they’ve disrupted my entire life ’ sense. Thank god I had my own room to hide behind when I needed it.

I sat down, itching for a smoke, but refrained for their benefit, and rested my back against the graffiti wall, watching Cole and Gio skate.

I expected questions from the crew, and sure enough, it was Stone who was the first to sit next to me.

He’d been as closed off as I was, but with Stix in his life, he’d learned to find joy again.

“Where’d they come from?”

“Fate,” I said bluntly. I raised my knees and rested my arms across them.

“What does that mean?”

“I ran into them several times. They were living on the streets. During the last snowstorm, I took them in, and they’ve been with me ever since.”

“Like what you did for Aiden?”

“Something like that.”

“They’re lucky to have found you, then.”

I glanced at Stone, his dark hair longer than it used to be. His hazel eyes were bright as he watched me. “How so?” I asked, knowing he hadn’t meant my giving them shelter.

“You’re just a good soul, Cue, no matter how much you try to hide it or how blunt you can be. You do it out of love. Tough love, but love, nonetheless. Everything you do is to help others. Don’t deny it. It’s in your fucking blood. Like you helped me get my head out of my ass with Stix.”

I didn’t know what to say to that, so I turned my focus back on the two young men who were slowly taking over my life. While terrifying, I didn’t hate it as much as I expected to.

Stone went off to sit with Stix, and I stood to go outside to smoke.

I reached the doorway and lit up, resting my shoulder on the jamb to watch Cole and Gio.

Cole must have said something because Gio laughed.

I’d never seen him laugh before. Not one damn time.

Maybe a huffing thing, but nothing loud that showed true joy.

A part of me wished I could hear it from where I stood, but the space was noisy with the sounds of skating, music, and voices.

I wondered if Gio would ever tell Cole how he felt. What would be that moment that finally pushed him over the edge? Would he ever be pushed? He could be as stubborn as I was, and I was fucking stubborn, so it was hard to say.

They reminded me a bit of Pippin and Nacho.

The caregiver. The one with a disability.

Both loved each other from afar, too afraid to admit their feelings.

But when that moment came, their world just fucking righted itself, showing how much they were meant to be.

Just like Pippin and Nacho, Zero and Zilch were meant to be.

I loved and hated the idea of fate and destiny.

It could be wonderful to find your one true person who was always meant to be yours.

But just as fate gives, it also takes away.

I never wanted to admit that Shane had died for a reason.

That there was some greater purpose for him being gone from my life.

No. What happened was a goddamn fucking tragedy.

I’m exhausted after interviewing for three internships today. The competition is fierce, but I graduated from an amazing university, so I hope the name Johns Hopkins will mean something when they make their final decisions.

It’s dinnertime when I walk into our shared apartment. I expect Shane to be cooking. And he’s a great fucking cook. But there’s nothing. No smells of dinner on the stove or in the oven. Maybe he’s out. I’m a little disappointed because I want to tell him about my day and how the interviews went.

I check my phone to see if he texted me, letting me know he’s out, but there’s nothing.

“Shane?” I call out.

I’m met with silence. Maybe he’s meeting up with some friends.

He needs to get out. I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had a chance to do much of anything with him.

Guilt tugs at me. Shane has been feeling a little down lately, and I haven’t been around like I usually am.

This weekend, I’ll remedy that. I’m free, and a date would be good for us.

I could take him dancing at his favorite club.

He loves to dance, while I hate it, feeling too big and awkward. But it will make him happy .

I head to the bedroom to get the fuck out of my suit. I hate wearing them, especially choking ties. Give me T-shirts and jeans any day.

When I step into our bedroom, darkness floods the room, so I flip on the overhead light.

The first thing I notice is the lump in the bed.

Is Shane taking a nap? That explained the silence when I called out to him.

I hope he’s not coming down with something.

He can be a bear whenever he’s sick—an adorable, grouchy bear.

Usually, Shane is light, except when he’s sick.

I yank off my tie, tossing it to the floor as I make my way to the bed, grinning, expecting a whining little bear cub.

But when I pull back the covers, I’m not met with Shane having a cold, but Shane crying with swollen eyes, still wearing his flannel pants and a T-shirt from this morning. The bed is covered with used tissues.

He quickly pulls the covers out of my hand and pulls them back over his head.

“Shane, baby?”

“Go away.”

My gut twists and turns, knowing something’s wrong. I know he’s been feeling down, but not like this. My professional brain turns on, but it’s mixed with my emotional one, who loves this man, crying his heart out.

Everything that I’ve learned tells me he’s suffering from some sort of break. A depression. It could’ve been grief, so I had to make sure no one just died that he knows.

I pull the covers back again and slide into bed with him, pulling him close to me. He cries harder as he clings to my dress shirt, staining it with his hot tears.

“Shh, baby. I’m here. Tell me what’s happened. Did… did someone die?”

He shakes his head on my chest as I hold him close, my fingers massaging the tense muscles in his back.

“No one died?”

He shook his head again.

Okay. So he’s not grieving. Depression then. Shit. I’m not prepared for this. Not that I don’t have experience with depression, but it’s different when it’s someone you love.

“Are you feeling depressed?”

Shane nods his head.

“Have you been feeling this way for a while?”

He nods again .

“H-have you…” I swallow, not sure I want to know the answer, but I need to for his sake. “Have you been pretending you’re okay for the past couple of weeks?”

He nods again, and my heart hammers as I’m twisted with guilt for not reaching out to him sooner. For not pushing him to talk to me about this. He keeps dismissing it, telling me he’s fine. Is this what happens when I’m gone? He lies here crying? What does he do when he has to work?

I kiss the top of his head. “I love you, baby. We’re going to get you some help, okay? I’ll set you up with a therapist I know. Dr. Gina Marlow. Will that be okay?”

“Yeah,” he rasps. “I hate this.”

“I don’t doubt it. We’ll get you feeling good again, okay?”

“Okay.”

I had no idea why my failure hit me so hard at that moment.

Shane had been in and out of mild depression for years, most of it fleeting.

Not enough to warrant help. He seemed to hop right out of it, usually.

But that day, it was clear he had major depressive disorder.

It was severe enough to get him immediate help.

My cigarette was plucked from my fingers suddenly, pulling me away from thoughts of Shane. My heart was racing and my breathing was coming in gasps, but I kept it from being visible to others around me.

I looked down to find Jazz taking a drag from my smoke. Her hair was usually pink, but this time, it was teal, and she had shaved one side.

“You were just letting it burn. What a waste,” she said, blowing out the smoke.

“I thought you quit.”

She shrugged. “Yeah, mostly. But now and then, I get the itch.”

I folded my arms, my eyes dragged over to Cole and Gio again.

I’d been watching them a lot lately. Too much.

I could feel the growing attraction I didn’t want to have, and I was getting attached to them.

But I couldn’t bring myself to kick them out.

So far, it hadn’t been as bad as the first several days they were with me. I took it as a win and let it go.

And look at them. They were so happy. I liked to feel I had a hand in that.

“Soooo, Cueball… Making new friends, are we? Are they just friends, or are they friends ?” Jazz asked, waggling her brows at me.

“Has anyone told you how intrusive you are?”

She took another drag and winked at me. “All the time.”

“And that doesn’t make you stop to think first?”

“Nope. Too much fun.”

“You’re a handful, Jazz.”

“So they say. But I won’t change for anyone.”

I looked down at her again and quirked a smile. “That’s fair.”

“Are you attracted to them? They’re pretty cute.”

“Not your business.”

“So, that’s a yes, then.”

“That’s a ‘ none of your business ,’ Jazz, no matter the answer.”

“I’ll take it as a yes.”

I took my smoke back from her, taking a drag on the last of it before I dropped it on the ground and stubbed it out with my shoe.

“I don’t date,” I said and left it at that, walking away to sit back with the others.