Page 34 of Cueball & Double-Z (Alpha’s Rejects #5)

With a deep shuddering sigh, I sat up, wiped my face with the toilet paper, and blew my nose.

“I ended up drowning myself in drinking, but it just made me feel fucking sick and horrible. I moved back home, trying to stop drowning myself, not having anywhere else to go. There was no way I could live in that apartment again. I hadn’t worked, lying in bed all the time, knowing I was falling into a similar depression Shane had.

Eventually, I lifted myself up, shuttered all the pain, compartmentalized it, and left.

I haven’t seen my parents or brother since. ”

‘Did he stop taking his medicine?’ Cole finally signed after we all sat there, saying nothing. I fucking ached everywhere, like I had the flu. The pain ran so deeply, it literally hurt my body.

I nodded to his question. “Yeah, I found out later Shane had stopped taking his meds and stopped seeing his doctor. I had no idea—another failure. I should’ve kept up with him, but I trusted him when he told me he was okay.

He really put on a good fucking mask. Or I was just blind or saw what I wanted to see. Probably the latter.”

Needing to move, I stood, took my glass to the kitchen, and washed it out.

No more drinking. Once I set it in the dish rack to dry, I leaned against the counter, facing the two men who’d changed everything.

Who in such a short time had become important to me.

That was another terrifying thing. They had their own trauma.

What if they couldn’t take it and left me, too?

Left me like Shane had? God, me kicking them out…

that very well could’ve happened. I was such a fucking asshole for what I’d done.

They both looked at me with… love? No, not love. Affection, perhaps. Thank god it wasn’t fucking pity.

“People rarely want to die,” I finally said.

“Even those who successfully commit suicide. They would rather get better and be happy, or at least no longer suffer. But sometimes they see death as their only way out. That death and nothingness are better than their current life. It… feels like fucking shit to those left behind, shattered, knowing their loved one chose death over you. It’s selfish to think that way, but you can’t help it.

But deep down, it’s sobering to know that I wasn’t enough for him.

Even worse was how he killed himself. Why that way?

I wasn’t enough to keep him alive, even with all my fucking education and training.

And I hate myself even more for believing that. ”

I dropped my head as the tears spilled again, but at least I wasn’t fucking sobbing because my head hurt enough.

“This is all probably a lot for you. A lot of fucking trauma dumping. It’s not your burden to shoulder.

I just wanted you both to know where I’ve been in my head for the past seven years, and why I am the way I am.

It’s okay if you… want to walk away or back off.

I’ll understand. It’s a lot of baggage, and you have your own trauma. You don’t need to share mine. ”

I glanced down at the hand pulling on mine, where it was tightly gripping the counter, then I looked up to find Cole, his eyes glistening, sharing in my pain.

He tugged on me to face him, then he wrapped his arms around me, holding me close, telling me he wasn’t going anywhere.

I held him back. Admittedly, it felt good to be held again.

So good. Soon, Gio joined the hugging party.

My arms enveloped them, my head down, tucked between theirs.

“We aren’t going anywhere,” Gio said. “And not because we need a place to stay, but because you need us, too. I’m so fuckin’ sorry I’ve been so difficult.

It was never about you. All of us are dealing with some self-hatred, I think, and we all need to fuckin’ stop it.

I see that now and the damage it causes. ”

“You’re right,” I said, sniffling and squeezing them both tighter. “You’re absolutely right.”

“I’m not gonna tell you to stop feelin’ what you are, but, and I’m sure Cole agrees with me, we don’t see it as your fault. I can’t imagine someone, even as well-trained and intelligent as you, can see everything all the time.”

Cole nodded against my chest, fingers digging into my back.

“After our talk that day at the laundromat, I’ve been kind of crushing on you as my trust grew.

Of course, I already knew Cole’s feelings for you.

It’s not just how attractive you are, but your kindness and support.

Feelings had grown over these six weeks…

until last night. I haven’t said anything.

I haven’t let myself feel them. But now those feelings are back even more than before.

Hell, I never thought I’d ever like another dude beyond… ”

Gio’s eyes landed on Cole’s. “Beyond you, Cole. I’ve loved you for so long.”

Cole whimpered and gestured, ‘I love you.’

“You do?”

‘Always. You want this? All of us?’

Gio quickly nodded before looking back at me.

“As I said, I’ve never been into another dude, but I’m totally okay with that.

I’m only bringin’ this up because… I want to explore this.

” Gio’s eyes never left mine. Unwavering.

Confident. Not those angry eyes full of self-flagellation, but ones of determination.

“What you’ve gone through doesn’t scare me.

I see you. Everything makes perfect sense now.

” Then he eyed Cole again. “Yeah, I want to explore this thing with the three of us. ”

Cole nodded eagerly and spoke quickly, gesturing with his hands. ‘Yes. I want this.’

My arms were still wrapped around their waists, and I pulled them tighter to me.

“If we want to explore this, we need to talk about it, like really talk about it. I’m open to this, but it’s not simple having three people in a relationship.

But for now, if you don’t mind, I’m emotionally exhausted.

Drained. We can discuss it further tomorrow. I promise.”