Page 27 of Cueball & Double-Z (Alpha’s Rejects #5)

I shut my stinging eyes as tears spilled from them, traveling down my face and falling to the ground. They wouldn’t fucking stop. I took a shuddering breath and held in the whimper that wanted to escape as I opened my eyes. But I had to stay quiet.

Cole was blurry for a moment before my vision cleared.

He lay there so peacefully and beautifully.

The moon cast a bluish glow over him, making him seem ethereal.

His fingers curled around the edge of my pillow as if seeking me out.

He lay on his side, knees drawn up, the covers slipping to his thighs, and knotted around his feet.

I let loose a quiet sob into the crook of my elbow so he wouldn’t hear me.

Fuck, I loved him so much, but Cole deserved a better life than this.

He needed a chance to grow. He’d have a better chance without me.

Without me, he could go to college as he dreamed, doing whatever he wanted.

I was just holding him back. I couldn’t find my path.

A future. A life beyond struggling and poverty.

There was no future for me other than surviving.

This life experiment was an utter disaster, and it was fucking me up mentally.

If I left now, maybe he’d have a better chance of staying with Marco.

He’ll feel bad for Cole once I’m gone and will tell him to stay.

Marco wouldn’t send him out on his own, right?

Not without a car or shelter. Then Cole could save his money and work on getting his life together.

He was destined for great things, too smart for his own good.

I was a nobody. Always had been. Never did shit that was important or worthwhile.

In the morning, I’d clear out a couple hundred from our shared bank account and open a new one of my own, leaving Cole the rest of the money.

After I set the note on the worn nightstand next to him, I wiped my runny nose with the back of my hand and picked up my suitcase.

The couple of boxes with my shit were already in the car.

I thought about leaving the car for Cole, too, but eventually, I wanted to leave Maryland altogether once I saved up enough cash. Maybe I could head somewhere warmer.

With a trembling lip, I turned away from him and headed out of the bedroom. By the front door, I set my suitcase down and shrugged on my coat before tugging on my scarf and the hat Marco made me.

I hated him. I hated what he did to Cole. But, in the end, neither of us would be in this situation had I gotten my shit together better. Then we wouldn’t have been evicted and wouldn’t have met Marco.

God, I was going to fucking miss Cole. My Zilch.

He’d been in my life for eight years. I’d loved him from afar for so damn long.

It hurt to want something I couldn’t have.

And I’d been so lonely, I even thought about just trying something with Marco because I’d been crushing on him, but Cole wanted him.

Not me. It didn’t matter anymore. I wanted nothing to do with Marco.

Leaving would also make it easier to find a second job.

Then, once I found a place to settle down, maybe then I could find someone to be with to kill the fucking crushing loneliness.

For now, I could use a fuck. I was desperate for one.

Just to be touched and kissed, even for one night.

Without Cole touching me every night, sending me into a tailspin of need, would be my fucking saving grace.

Before I left, I dropped the key and the phone Marco had given us on the kitchen counter, which divided the kitchen from the living room. Then I left, quietly closing the door behind me. The door handle locked automatically, so I didn’t worry about anyone breaking in.

Hefting my suitcase, I walked down the stairs, my sobs echoing in the empty staircase.

Once I was outside, I was hit with a blast of frigid air, stinging my wet face. I unlocked the car and shoved the suitcase into the back. Then I climbed into the driver’s side, started the car, and drove off.

I had no idea where I was going, not that I had a place to go.

I’d have to find a place to sleep for the night.

But where? I had to work the next day, so I just needed to find a place to hunker down and head in late morning.

Then, after work, I could spend time looking for a second job.

There were always clubs and bars looking for bouncers. I could do something like that.

My mind wandered to loss, loneliness, and heavy feelings of worthlessness. It weighed not just on my shoulders, but on my soul, lashing out at everyone who crossed my path. Even Cole suffered it. His infinite patience caused infinite guilt.

I drove, my brain on autopilot, as I headed north until I reached Towson, a suburb of Baltimore. Who knew what brought me to the house I’d grown up in? The house I’d lost—our safety and home.

I pulled up and parked the car across the street from the red-bricked rambler with white shutters and a black door.

Memories engulfed me, making it hard to breathe.

There was anger in that house from the time Mom left.

Wariness and fear of the unknown when Dad remarried and brought with him a new family.

Then there was love and a discovery about myself.

I’d told Cole I was pansexual, but I hadn’t really known until I’d fallen for him.

It’d been the only explanation for me, but it hadn’t scared me either. Not one bit.

Then there was pain.

Anger, sadness, wariness, happiness, love, grief.

That house represented all the mixed emotions one could possibly have, and I missed it .

At least whoever lived there now took care of it. The shrubs were neat and the house looked freshly painted. Even though it was winter, the lawn was perfectly edged. As long as someone loved it. That house deserved it.

My eyes watered again, but I let them fall. I kept myself from crying as much as possible for Cole’s sake. He’d needed me to be strong. Now, nothing was holding them back.

I never really got to grieve the loss of my dad.

Sandra was sweet enough. More of a mother to me than mine had been.

Our parents had been abandoned by their spouses, which was probably why they got along so well.

But Dad, even in his anger, took care of me.

He’d done a fucking better job than I had with Cole.

That was for sure. My failure proved there would be no marriage for me. No kids. I’d just ruin their lives.

I turned off the car, leaned the seat back, and stretched out, putting my head back on the headrest as I looked at the home that still felt like mine, even after two years. Cole and I held onto the house for as long as we could before the bank took it out from under us—my first failure.

Failure after failure after failure.

That word should be my middle name. Giovani Failure Segreto. It had a nice ring to it.

I wiped my nose with the sleeve of my jacket, curled up on my side, tucked my hands under my head, and closed my eyes as they continued to leak, refusing to stop.

The tapping on my window startled me awake. I sat up, confused about where I was for a moment. When someone tapped again, I looked out the window to see a cop staring in.

“Fuck me,” I mumbled. I hadn’t meant to fall asleep there.

I stifled a yawn and rolled down the window, shivering with the chill blowing in.

“You can’t sleep here,” he said.

“Yeah, I know. I fell asleep by accident. ”

“I need to see your ID and insurance.”

I groaned, needing coffee, but I dug in my wallet and handed my driver’s license to him. “I got my insurance in the console.”

When he nodded, I opened it up, pulled out the piece of paper, and gave it to him.

“Stay put.”

The cop went back to his car to look me up, making sure I wasn’t a shady asshole. He wouldn’t find shit. I may have sucked at life, but I wasn’t a criminal.

A few minutes later, he returned and handed my shit back.

“Am I free to go now?” I asked, shoving my ID back into my wallet.

“Is there a reason you’re parked out here, sleeping? Someone called and reported you.”

I looked over at my old house and jutted my chin. “Just… feelin’ sorry for myself. I used to live there. Grew up there. Just… I lost the house when my parents died.”

His brown eyes softened for a moment, but he maintained his cop persona. “Well, I’m sorry, but you can’t stay here.”

“Yeah, I know. I gotta get to work anyhow. Can I go?”

“Take this as your warning. I don’t want to see you back here again.”

“Yes, sir,” I sighed.

I rolled up the window until there was only a crack, lit a smoke, and started the car.

Before I headed into work, I stopped at the convenience store for a cup of coffee and drank the bitter shit down in my car. Once caffeinated, I drove to work.

After parking the car in the restaurant’s parking lot, I stared at the brick wall of the building. My breathing and heart sped up as I tried to get a fucking grasp on my emotions.

I was a little early, but I needed to get out of this fucking car and to work to distract me.

I climbed out of the car and headed to the front. When I tugged on the door, I found it locked, so I knocked hard on it. I knew Jim was inside because his blue pickup was parked in the lot. It took him a few minutes to unlock the door as I shivered my ass off waiting .

“Gio,” he said with wide eyes in surprise. “You’re an hour early.”

“Yeah, I… felt like comin’ in, if that’s okay. You don’t gotta pay me or nothin’ for being early.”

“No, it’s fine.”

After I walked in, he locked the door behind me.

“You okay?” he asked.

I turned around and shrugged, my eyes threatening to fucking leak again. “Yeah, man.”

Jim combed his hair from his face before shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans and slowly walking over to me. I looked away from his scrutinizing, pushing my own hands into my pockets.

When he was right in front of me, I saw him reach out in my periphery, his hand cupping my cheek to look at him.

“Gio…” he whispered. “Are you okay?”

My stomach dipped, and I took a step back. I knew enough that it wasn’t normal for your boss to touch your face like that. Did he… like me?

“What are you doin’?” I asked, eyes wide, heart beating widely.

“Oh, shit… I’m sorry. That wasn’t… I’m sorry.”

Jim stormed off behind the bar, getting it ready for lunch, completely ignoring me. He washed glasses that were probably already clean with a red face of guilt.

With a heavy sigh and a heavy heart, I headed to the employee lounge to put on my kitchen shirt and get ready for work.

God, please don’t make me need to find another job. Life was sucky enough. I wasn’t sure I could take more of life shitting on me.

The day was busy as hell, keeping me fully distracted.

It wasn’t until the end of my shift, when I was pulling off my kitchen shirt and tossing it into the bin for washing, that my thoughts drifted toward Cole.

I stared down at my cracked and dry hands from always washing and cleaning.

They represented how I felt on the inside.

I’d have to find another place to sleep for the night where the cops wouldn’t harass me. God, I wasn’t sure how long I could live like this. It was suffocating. Heavy. I felt like I was drowning in the middle of the ocean.

“Gio? ”

The soft voice made my heart nearly stop.

“Yeah?” I asked, not turning around to face him.

“I’m sorry about earlier. That was so inappropriate. You just looked so hurt, and I had no idea why. I was just… I wanted to make you feel better. I swear I’ll never do that again.”

I nodded, looking back down at my hands again before the tears punched fucking through again, and I let out a choking sob. Despite his promise, Jim reached for me and pulled me into a hug.

“This is just a friend holding a friend. That’s it,” he said. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I squeezed him back and shook my head before easing him off. “Thanks, but… I’m fine.”

“God, Gio. You’re anything but fine.”

I sniffed and huffed a wet laugh. “Life just likes to kick you in the nuts. That’s all. I’m used to it.” I stepped up to the locker and pulled out my jacket and backpack. “Thanks, Jim… for everything. You’ve been really cool. Not sure what I’d do without this job.”

“Do you need more hours?”

I finally looked at him, his brown eyes soft and kind. “Maybe. I’ll let you know.”

“You still have a space at my place if you need it. I swear… nothing untoward.”

“Thanks,” I said again, walking off before I stopped, not turning to face him. Thoughts hit me that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad fucking my boss. He was attractive and kind. It wasn’t that I’d be resistant, but for some reason, it didn’t feel right. “Maybe. Let me… think about it.”

“Sure. Night, Gio.”

“Night, Jim.”