Page 63 of Balancing Act
“Did you ever think this was going to be our life?” Beth mused.
“Not in a million years, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.” Sarah placed her hand on Beth’s, giving her a gentle squeeze. “I mean it, Beth. You and Lily are my family, even if you and I aren’t—you know—‘you and I’ anymore.”
Her intense gaze softened as Beth nodded in understanding. “Family always,” she whispered.
As Beth and Sarah made their way down to the gym floor, the tension from earlier dissipated. This wasn’t about them—it was about Lily. It had always been about Lily.
The evaluator exchanged a few words with Jamie and Amanda before turning to the family, her face calm and professional. “Lily, I’m pleased to say that you’ve passed your evaluation. You’re eligible to compete at the Senior Elite level this season.”
Beth’s heart soared, and she saw a flash of joy cross Sarah’s face, too. They turned to Lily, whose excitement poured fromher. Sarah hugged Lily tight, whispering praise Beth couldn’t hear but knew was full of pride.
“You did it, kiddo,” Jamie said softly, as Lily turned to her, offering a high-five.
Lily’s voice wavered as she blurted out the question that had clearly been weighing on her. “Does this mean you’re staying, Jamie? You’re not going back to Oregon, right?” Her eyes were wide, hopeful, her hands clasped tightly in front of her as if bracing for the worst. As Beth watched her daughter—so confident in the gym, yet unsure now—something pulled at her. The possibility of losing Jamie’s presence felt all too real.
Her stomach dropped, her pulse quickening as she turned her attention to Jamie. She saw the way Jamie’s expression faltered for a moment. Beth hadn’t considered that Lily would be so direct, but of course she would. That was who she was.
Jamie blinked, her face softening. “Lily, I—” she began, clearly caught off guard. Beth’s breath caught in her chest as Jamie hesitated. Jamie never hesitated. She’d always been so steady, so sure. But now, her eyes flickered—just for a second—toward Beth, and in that brief glance, Beth saw everything Jamie was too afraid to say. She wasn’t staying. She had already made up her mind.
“I’m here for now,” she whispered, only, she wasn’t looking at Lily. Instead her eyes met Beth’s.
She knew it wasn’t the answer Lily wanted—or the answer she wanted. But the tone of Jamie’s voice, the way she quickly averted her eyes, told her Jamie was struggling with more than the logistics of her decision.
Lily’s face fell, her posture stiffening. “That’s not a yes,” Lily muttered, her shoulders slumping. The confidence that usually radiated from her seemed to vanish, replaced by the quiet veil of disappointment. Jamie was supposed to be steady, like the floor beneath her feet, but now, even that felt uncertain.
Jamie glanced at Beth, her eyes soft but conflicted. Their gazes locked, and she realized how deeply the stakes had risen—not only for Lily’s gymnastics career, but for all of them.
Jamie shifted on her feet as she glanced between Lily, Beth, and Sarah. “I’ll be here through the end of December, as planned,” she said finally. “But even after I leave, I’ll always be here for you, Lily. Any time you need me. I hope you know that.”
Lily crossed her arms. “I know but, for the record, I don’t like this at all,” she muttered, her voice firm but trembling enough for Beth to catch it. “Remember, my birthday is next week, and you staying for good would make a really awesome present.”
Jamie had sidestepped the real answer, they both knew it. So she stood there, with Sarah and Lily, their daughter’s future looking bright and her path to the Olympics clear, knowing this wasn’t the time to press for answers.
As they left the gym—Lily swinging her gym bag over her shoulder, and Sarah chatting animatedly with Amanda, her competitive energy still buzzing from the evaluation—Beth’s attention was elsewhere. She couldn’t ignore the distance growing between her and Jamie, nor the sinking feeling that time was running out to say what she needed to say.
FOURTEEN
JAMIE
The gym was empty except for Jamie, the echo of her boxing gloves hitting the heavy bag the only sound cutting through the stillness. She threw punch after punch, her muscles straining with each hit, sweat dripping down her face and chest. The storm inside her wouldn’t quiet, even as her fists slammed into the bag again and again.
She shifted her stance, jabbing with her right hand, then ducking into a sharp left hook. The impact jolted through her—a welcome pain—something she could focus on, something she could hold onto. Her fists ached with every hit, but it wasn’t enough. The bag swung back like it was laughing at her, like it knew her fear and wasn’t letting go. She only swung harder.
Jamie stepped back, gasping for air. Wiping her forearm across her forehead, she caught her reflection in the gym’s mirrored wall. Her face was flushed, her wild curls frizzing at the edges of the braids barely holding them in place. She looked wrecked—emotionally, physically, mentally—but that was the point. She wasn’t here to feel better. She was here to burn it all out. To pound her fear and uncertainty into something that made sense.
She stepped back up to the bag, planting her feet firmly on the ground, and threw another barrage of punches. Her muscles screamed with every blow, her lungs burning as she tried to catch her breath. Sweat dripped into her eyes, blurring her vision, but she didn’t care. She couldn’t stop. Not until she figured it all out. The raw ache in her arms matched the tension twisting tighter in her chest.
How could she be so strong here, with her fists against the bag, and still feel so weak when it came to her feelings?
It made the most sense to start with the problem that loomed the largest. That was the thought of the cancer coming back—of her body betraying her again. It clawed at the back of her mind, a persistent, gnawing fear. She could handle the fear alone and had been handling it for years, but that fear took on a new meaning entirely when Jamie thought about Beth and the ramifications of recurrence if she ever really were to let her in. If Jamie let her see how fragile she was, how easily her life could unravel. She had never been good at letting people see her when she was anything less than perfect. She had built her walls high for a reason—she wasn’t sure she was ready for anyone to see past them.
Her gloves slammed into the bag again, body twisting with the punch’s force. Beth’s face came to her mind—the steady presence, the warm smile—and it only made Jamie punch harder. The fear of wanting her, letting her in, letting Lily in, too, had become unbearable. For weeks now, she had tried to push those feelings down, to keep things simple, to shove Beth into the safe category of “friend” and nothing more. But deep down, she knew she’d been fooling herself. She wasn’t scared because she didn’t want Beth. She was scared because she did.
The bag thudded against the chains as Jamie hit it again, harder this time. Her breath clawed its way up her throat, each inhale stinging. The gym air, heavy with sweat and the sharpscent of leather, clung to her skin, and every drop of sweat felt like it was scalding.
Amanda had been right.
If Jamie wanted to be with Beth, she needed to get out of her own damn way. She needed to stop running. No more pushing. No more hiding behind excuses. The truth was staring her in the face, and she had been too scared to admit it, because admitting it meant letting go of the little control she had over the situation.