Page 52 of Balancing Act
Was Jamie really telling her to go back to Sarah? To choose the “safe” option, the path that was easier but didn’t make her feel alive the way Jamie did?
She couldn’t breathe. Jamie’s words had taken the air with them. How had she read all of this so wrong? She wanted to say anything, to make Jamie understand that she wasn’t a burden—she wasn’t too much. That she was worthy of being with someone, with her. But all the words felt clumsy, inadequate in the face of Jamie’s pain. Beth’s heart ached with the truth of it. She could feel herself trembling as she reached out, her hand finding Jamie’s once more as she said her name, her voice soft and pleading. “Jamie, I don’t care about the risk. I don’t want to be safe. I want you.”
There it was. Out there in the open. She wanted Jamie, and she had said it out loud.
Jamie’s dark eyes pleaded with her to understand as they filled with sadness, her lips pressing into a thin line. “But I can’t give you what you want, Beth. Not in the ways you deserve. And if you have even the smallest part of you that thinks you and Sarah could work, you owe it to yourself to try. You owe it to Lily, too.”
She shook her head, quickly wiping at the tears threatening to fall from the corners of her eyes. No. She wanted to tell Jamie she was wrong and she was willing to take that leap with her. But before she could say anything, the sound of the front door swinging open made them jump, and Lily’s voice rang out. “Mama! Have you seen my tablet?”
They jumped apart like they’d been caught, the sudden slam of the door shattering the fragile moment between them. Beth’s heart raced as she turned toward the doorway, panic surging through her.Lily.She feverishly wiped at her eyes, trying to eliminate all signs of tears. She didn’t want Lily to see her like that.
Lily’s voice echoed down the hall and out of sight. “Mom’s in the car, and she’s waiting, and I need to find it quick. It has Dylan’s present on it.”
Beth’s pulse pounded in her ears as Lily strolled into the living room, completely oblivious to the charged air between them. She quickly peeked at her phone and noticed two missed calls from Sarah and a handful of text messages from Lily, no doubt trying to get a hold of her about the whereabouts of Lily’s tablet.
“Oh, hi, Jamie. What are you doing here?” Lily’s eyes darted between Jamie and Beth, a small smirk tugging at her lips, before slipping into concern when her eyes landed on Beth.
Her eyes connected with Lily’s, and for a moment, she was frozen as the realization hit her uncomfortably. Jamie had been thinking about how the possible implications of them together would impact not only the two of them but Lily as well. Beth had been so focused on her wants—it only now hit her how much this could affect Lily, too. Guilt crept in, sliding along her thoughts. She pulled her cardigan tightly around her.
Jamie stood quickly, her posture stiff, trying to maintain her composure. “Dropping off your tablet,” she said, holding up the device, her voice too casual as she handed it to Lily.
Lily paused for a second, her eyes flicking between them before she shrugged it off, deciding not to ask. “Thanks, Jamie. You’re the best,” she said, still smiling, but with a slight tilt of her head like she could sense something was off. She turned to Beth and wrapped her in a quick hug. “Bye, Mom. Love you.”
Beth forced a smile, trying to keep her voice steady as her pulse raced. “Love you. Have fun, Lils.”
Lily cast one more glance between the two women before turning and heading back toward the door, leaving Beth and Jamie standing awkwardly in the living room.
Once the door clicked shut behind her, the silence between them felt suffocating. Jamie shifted uncomfortably, her eyes avoiding Beth’s.
“I should go,” Jamie choked out, and Beth was sure she heard a hint of regret. “I’m... I’m sorry.”
Beth stood there for a moment, Jamie’s words still fresh in her mind. Her heart ached, but she wasn’t about to let Jamie walk out without saying what had been weighing on her for weeks. Not this time.
“I don’t want you to go, Jamie,” Beth said quietly, taking a step forward. Her tone was steady but soft, vulnerable in a way that wasn’t desperate, simply honest. “You don’t have to leave.”
Jamie sighed, rubbing the back of her neck. “But I do,” she said. “This... isn’t fair to you or me now.”
Beth took another step closer, her arms uncrossing loosely. “Why do you get to decide what’s fair for me?” she asked gently, her voice lacking any edge. “I know what I want, Jamie. I’ve known for a while now. And I think you know it, too.” She reached out, taking Jamie’s hand in her own.
Jamie’s eyes flicked up, meeting Beth’s gaze for a moment before she looked away again. “I wish it were that simple. I so wish it were as simple as wanting you.” Jamie’s eyes met Beth’s for a long, charged moment, and for the first time, Beth saw the full depth of Jamie’s inner struggle. “Because I want you, too,” Jamie admitted. “God, of course I do, Beth. But it doesn’t matter, because I can’t give you what you deserve.”
Beth opened her mouth to argue, but Jamie stopped her with a look—one that held more emotion than Beth had ever seen from her.
“You’re amazing and I wish things could be different. I wish I could be what you need.”
Beth felt a lump form in her throat. The vulnerability in Jamie’s voice brining a fresh wave of sadness, but she knew couldn’t force this.
“Me too.” She sniffed, realizing silent tears were streaming down her cheeks. “But I guess the only difference is that I’m not afraid of the risks if it means getting to be with you.”
Jamie didn’t reply as she gave Beth a long, searching stare. “I’ve got to go,” Jamie whispered, her voice strained. “But I’m sorry. I really am.”
“I know,” Beth said simply. She could feel the sincerity in Jamie’s voice.
Without another word, Jamie turned and walked toward the door. She hesitated, her hand resting on the doorknob, and for a moment, Beth pleaded in her head for Jamie to turn around, to tell her she changed her mind. But she didn’t look back before slipping outside, closing the door quietly behind her.
Beth stood in the middle of the living room, her heart aching, the connection between them still pulsing but now out of reach.
TWELVE